


-Error-

by Selienne



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Asphyxiation, Brain Damage, Character Study, Coma, Coping, Dependency, Depersonalization, Depiction of Death, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, First Kiss, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Hero/Villain Syndrome, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Identity Issues, Identity confusion, Inspired by Music, M/M, Memory Loss, Mental Disorders, Mental Health Issues, Mental Health Study, Mentions of Death, Mentions of Psychotherapy & Physiotherapy, Mentions of pregame too, Nightmares, Ouma not Oma, Oumota, Panic Attacks, Partial paralysis, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Really this shit is almost 100 pages long someone please help, Seriously guys it's mostly chapter 5 but the whole game is mentioned, Sorry Not Sorry, Spoilers for NDRV3, Trauma, Trauma study, Trust Issues, Tulpas?, Unrequited Love, Virtual Reality, conflicts, lying, postgame, vr au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:48:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 45,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28078704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selienne/pseuds/Selienne
Summary: Kokichi wakes up in a strange room, although he was sure he would never wake up again. He's visited by the last person he was expecting to see, their behavior towards him way different than he had anticipated, their eyes boring into his soul.Oh, but that's a lie. It's actually the second to last.
Relationships: Harukawa Maki/Momota Kaito, Momota Kaito/Oma Kokichi, Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 58
Kudos: 141





	-Error-

**Author's Note:**

> Oh man. Can't believe I'm finally posting this, after more than 4 months of grinding. I've started this one in January 2020, and when I got back into DR for the nth time, those three pages I wrote were.. too good to simply abandon them. It's surreal to be posting this now, in the middle of December, with this awful year already ending. 
> 
> What was supposed to be a small character study, combined with exercises about depicting characters with trauma, turned into.. a 99 pages/45+k words monster. I regret nothing, it's been the most fun I've had writing in years.
> 
> Inspired by the Vocaloid song -Error, a couple of songs by Deco*27, as well as @rev_eerie and their amazing works! Most of the inspirations were completely unintentional, aside from the very first part of the fanfic, which I did take from them and twisted a bit, as I had no idea how to even do something like that, sorry! But seriously, guys, imagine my face when I was rereading their 'Getting Along' series while also in the middle of writing this one and I realized half of my headcanons come from rev.. I'm really sorry, I truly am!
> 
> Also forgive me for any grammar mistakes, not a native speaker so I did my best!
> 
> Enjoy~~

load.avtr=13_supr_lead+vrtlkllngm= **-ERROR-**

status: UNAVAILABLE

time_of_death: UNAVAILABLE

_Continue?_

**Yes** /// No

Booting…

Initializing.. “rehabilitation.program”x=1 FAILED

Initializing.. “rehabilitation.program”x=2 FAILED

Initializing.. “rehabilitation.program”x=3 SUCCESS

 **DANGANRONPA 53 POSTGAME.exe** <START>

**Thank you for using Danganronpa V3 Killing Harmony TM Rehabilitation Program, all rights reserved by _Team Danganronpa_** **_©_ ** **.**

**Please wait for the application to launch.**

Initializing.. “disconnecting.protocol”s=13

**-ERROR 706f69736f6e!!-**

status: UNAVAILABLE

cmd.restart

Initializing.. “disconnecting.protocol”s=13

**-ERROR 706f69736f6e!!-**

status: UNAVAILABLE

cmd.restart

Initializing.. “disconnecting.protocol”s=13

**-ERROR 706f69736f6e!!-**

status: UNAVAILABLE

cmd.manual

_Perform a manual procedure?_

**Yes** /// No

Please wait..

Please wait..

cmd.chck_stat

Loading..

status: **- _ERROR 7072657373-_**

cmd.clr_data

_WARNING. CLEARING ALL DATA MAY RESULT IN UNWANTED SIDE EFFECTS, INCLUDING COMA, PARALYSIS, MEMORY LOSS, DISSO-_

cmd.frc_clr_data

_OOOOOOOOO-_

Initializing.. “clr_avtr_data”s=13

Please wait..

Clearing.. 12% complete

Clearing.. 39% complete

Clearing.. 75% complete

Clearing.. 11@#037!$^% c0..mpl..373

**-ERROR 64696365- -ERROR 64696365- -ERROR 64696365- -ERROR 64696365-**

_Reboot the action?_

**Yes** /// No

Initializing.. “clr_avtr_data”s=13

Please wait..

Clearing.. 12% complete

Clearing.. 39% complete

Clearing.. 75% complete

Clearing..

Please wait..

Clearing.. 99% complete

_Clearing avatar data successful_

Initializing.. “disconnecting.protocol”s=13

status: SUCCESS

_Subject No. 13 KOKICHI OUMA ready to log off_

cmd.log_off

Please wait..

Logging off..

_Log off completed_

_Disconnecting pod no. 13_

**Thank you for participating in Danganronpa V3 Killing Harmony TM, KOKICHI OUMA.**

**DANGANRONPA 53 POSTGAME.exe** <END>

* * *

When he wakes up, the first thing he feels are tears. His tears. He’s crying. Whether it’s because of the sun rays softly kissing his cheeks or the sterile white walls of the room he’s in, he doesn’t know. He doesn’t want to know.

**Ah. Is that how the afterlife feels like? It’s… nice**

Too nice for someone like him. He should’ve ended up in hell.

Ouma Kokichi remembers how he died, even if the memories of his last seconds are somewhat hazy. He remembers the poison eating away at his body, he remembers the tiredness stealing his breath from his lungs. He remembers the press and the darkness that surrounded him after that.

The previously silent tears change into sobs when the memories start flooding in, one after another, as he covers his face with his arms. The academy, the Killing Game, the murders, trials, goodbyes, screams, **lies, lies, lies, lies-** all the lies he said, thought, forced himself and others to believe in.

He struggles to calm himself down but finally the tears stop flowing. When they do, his attention shifts to the room he’s in. It’s basic, all in white, with two windows, some empty wooden shelves, a nightstand with some flowers on it and a bed he’s laying in. Funny. It looks and even smells like a hospital room.

**Hospital. If I’m here, that means...**

**…they’re here too..?**

Kokichi bolts out of the bed he’s in, suddenly desperate to escape the weird sterile room and search for... _what exactly?_ He isn’t sure but he has to do it nonetheless, otherwise he’ll go crazy. It doesn’t matter that his legs immediately give out under him and he has to grab the bed’s frame to avoid falling on the floor. It doesn’t matter that his whole body _hurts_ and that he has next to no strength. Nothing matters as long as he has even that little string of hope in his heart.

Even if it does feel more like the biggest, cruelest lie he has ever told himself.

But his body doesn’t want to listen to him, taking revenge on him for all that mistreating, for the poison and the press, for that one time he almost tripped to death as well, for every stupid thing he had done to it. His arms finally betray him too and he stumbles on the floor, landing on his ass and hitting his head on the same frame that was supporting him just a moment ago.

The boy stays in that position, unable to as much as lift his head. Instead, he closes his eyes and slowly exhales air to then inhale some again, trying to ignore the fact that even his breathes seem shaky. He can feel the skin under his eyes begin to swell slightly from all that crying before.

Then he hears muffled voices from the outside. They seem to be familiar, but he can’t quite understand what they’re saying until they’re behind his door.

“Don’t… for me. Gotta… on him first” says a strong male voice and is met with an exasperated sigh from a female one.

“Why… to yourself? He’s not gonna… soon. The doctors said it” the woman _or a girl?_ adds.

“She’s right… -kun. You shouldn’t… like that, it’s not healthy. Besides... your fault” a third voice speaks out, this one also male but a lot quieter and calmer.

“I don’t have to, but I want to. I’ll see you guys later”, the first voice cuts the others out.

Kokichi can hear the footsteps of the other two as they leave their companion behind. He thinks he can also hear the guy sigh but his brain is a mess so he can’t be sure.

When he opens his eyes though, the door opens as well and he’s met with magenta eyes. He can’t help but smile slightly as they fill with both shock and relief.

Really, out of all people, he wouldn’t expect _him_ to look at him like that.

“O-ouma?”

“Heh... if it isn’t Momota-chan” he says, his voice hoarse and hurting but it suddenly becomes too much, and his body hits the reset button on him.

The darkness overcomes him again, as his eyes close on their own.

* * *

When he wakes up, the first thing he feels is a hand that’s caressing his own. Furrowing his brows, Kokichi slowly opens his eyes and blinks a few times. The sun is no longer present in the room, instead a single lamp is illuminating the walls, a stupid pattern of stars and constellations forming on them because of the lampshade. He snorts.

 _Of course_ it’s stars.

“Hi”, he hears on his right and when he looks that way, he sees the same magenta eyes as before, watching him closely. Momota Kaito is sitting on a chair next to Kokichi’s bed and is the one who’s rubbing circles on Kokichi’s hand with his thumb. He’s smiling and that smile instantly makes Kokichi think that everything will be okay.

But he also thinks it’s a lie.

“Hi.” Kokichi says back and this time his throat hurts a little less. His voice is still hoarse though and Kokichi winces. “How long was I out?”

“A couple of hours.” Momota shrugs, looking down. “You really shouldn’t have tried to stand up, you’re only gonna hurt yourself.”

“Nishishi, is Momota-chan worried about little old me?” Kokichi asks, trying to sound carefree but even to him it feels.. forced.

Momota doesn’t immediately respond. Instead, he’s looking at Kokichi in a weird way, magenta eyes piercing right through his body and looking into his soul. Kokichi quickly becomes uncomfortable.

It’s bad. He’s still tired and confused, he can’t maintain his masks. It frustrates the hell out of him.

“We didn’t know...” Momota starts and it’s quiet. It’s hesitant. It’s… as if he’s scared. Nonsense. Momota Kaito doesn’t get scared. If Kokichi believes in something **can someone like me even believe in anything-** it’s just that.

Momota Kaito doesn’t get scared of anything. He will go through any obstacle and solve every issue that gets in his way. It’s as admirable, as it is stupid.

Which is why seeing Momota acting hesitant and afraid makes Kokichi _sick_.

“Didn’t know what?” he asks angrily, against his better judgement. Whether he’s angry at Momota for his hesitance, or at himself for showing he cares and being unable to **_lie, lie, lie, all you do is lie, why are you doing this to yourself, oh shut up, you know nothing, just shut the fuck up, shut the-_**

“We didn’t know if you’d wake up. Like, at all.” Momota finally says and it breaks Kokichi out of his trance, out of his self-deprecating mantra that’s been following him for as long as he can remember.

And his memories are foggy alright.

_Huh..? For as long as he remembers? Is that the truth or is it a lie? He doesn’t remember._

That doesn’t change the fact that Momota’s quiet words immediately pique his interest.

“What?” he smiles unsure, trying, _desperately trying_ to put any of his masks in place. They all refuse. “What do you mean, Momota-chan? ‘ _Wake up’_? From what” he snorts, half with fake humor, half with annoyance. Momota is being ridiculous, doesn’t he even notice that?

He only looks at Kokichi with sad and guilty looking eyes. For the first time since he woke up, Kokichi takes a moment to have a proper look at the astronaut.

The other boy is tired, that Kokichi can notice straight away. There’s no way he would ever miss those gigantic dark bags under Momota’s eyes. He can also notice a little bit of stubble growing on Momota’s cheeks. What’s more is that his hair is down. It’s missing its usual gelled up spiky self and seeing it like that makes Kokichi’s gut irk in a weird, unpleasant way. He doesn’t like it.

It normally looks stupid with all that gel and normally, _normally_ , Kokichi would make fun of Momota or tell him that he looks awful without his hair spiked even if it’s a lie, even if it actually hugs Momota’s face nicely and makes him look more attractive and approachable, and he should wear it like that more often, but today, _today he doesn’t like it one bit._

It doesn’t give off a vibe that Momota tried to change something or try a different style. No. It’d be fine if it was that.

Instead, it gives off a feeling that Momota gave up. And Momota Kaito, the fucking Luminary of the fucking Stars, **does. Not. Give. Up. He can’t. He just can’t. He’s the hero of the story, he cannot give up no matter what happens. If he gives up, then what can I do? I’m no hero... no, quite the opposite**

**I’m the villain**

///

“Ouma, are you alright?” Kaito gulps quietly while looking at Ouma who’s staring at him but it’s as if he doesn’t see him at all. It’s almost as if Kaito wasn’t here and Ouma was only looking at what’s in front of him, blank stare, blank expression, everything a piece of blank paper. He resumes rubbing circles on Ouma’s hand and that seems to do the trick.

That seems to bring the boy back to him, to reality, at least for a little bit. At least for now he’s back. Kaito releases a breath he didn’t even know he was holding.

_It’s alright. Ouma’s back. Doctors said he might disassociate a lot and that you gotta just find something that can bring him back. You got this, Kaito. The worst is already behind you, remember._

_He’s alive, he’s breathing and he’s talking to you again. That’s already a win, Kaito, remember._

///

“Momota-chan…” Kokichi starts and it’s quiet, it’s hollow even to himself. Momota seem not to like it at all, Kokichi can tell that from the way Momota’s fingers stop massaging his hand for a moment but then they resume their action. They’re gentle. Kokichi focuses on the feeling, taking deep breaths. He wants to ask; he wants to ask so badly what Momota meant when he said they didn’t know if he’d wake up. Why are they in a hospital, what’s going on, where are the others, where are-

_..their friends?_

_-Friends?-_

Slowly, painful memories make their way into the back of his eyes again. The bad memories, the awful ones that make him want to hide somewhere or just lay down and not do anything anymore or even shut his eyes _but if he does that, he can see them all again, he can see all the blood and_ **I’m sorry Gonta, I’m sorry Iruma-chan, I’m sorry Amami-chan, I’m sorry Akamatsu-chan, I’m sorry-**

But Momota’s here and Momota’s waiting for him. Why is he like that? After everything that happened? After everything that him, _Ouma Kokichi,_ had done?

The mattress suddenly bends under an additional weight when Momota lays next to Kokichi and just hugs him tightly. Kokichi’s whole body freezes at first, completely surprised by the unexpected action but then all of his muscles just sag, and he eases himself into the embrace, too tired to care, too tired to do anything about it.

For the first time in forever, he just accepts what life has thrown at him. Even if that something is an annoying guy with a stupid goatee and a hero complex, who’s currently trying to break all of Kokichi’s bones with his a little too tight hug.

Stupid Momota. Does he think they’re friends now or what?

**Oh, weird. Are those tears? Am I crying? Huh. But that should be a lie… right?**

* * *

_It was a virtual reality. A game. They were kept in machines and the whole thing was a computer system._

Kokichi isn’t sure which of these statements scares him more. They’re all equally terrifying, the concept of them killing each other but not really, going through death but still alive. But the worst part?

_They all willingly went with it. They agreed to it._

When Momota told him that for the first time, Kokichi couldn’t help but laugh at him and accuse him of lying. Because it sounded ridiculous, it sounded outrageous. **A virtual killing game? Really, Momota-chan, you could’ve been more creative**

But he knows Momota. And he especially knows when Momota is ~~trying to lie~~ lying.

He definitely wasn’t lying when he said all that.

Kokichi can’t get used to life in a hospital. Which is where they really are – in a big hospital complex designed to take care of the Killing Game Participants. They are supposed to spend at least the first year under the close observation of various psychiatrists and other doctors.

Momota also said that everyone else already woke up. While some of them took longer than others, they’ve all been back in reality for quite some time now. It was Kokichi who took the longest – they waited three months for him to wake up.

Or at least Momota did. Kokichi isn’t so sure about the others.

Three months. It’s been already three months since the end of the Killing Game. Three months since the press and all his shenanigans but as soon Kokichi stepped **but that is a lie, I haven’t, I haven’t used my legs because I’m in a damn wheelchair** out of his hospital room, he understood, he understands now that nothing has changed.

They haven’t changed. They still don’t trust him, not one bit. Even Shuuichi.

_Especially Shuuichi._

_//You’re alone, Ouma-kun. And you always will be//_

**_can’t stop shuddering, just please stop, you don’t need to remind me anymore, please_ **

The only one acting weird, the only one acting unnatural, ruining the carefully crafted balance of distrust and pretending that was between Kokichi and his other classmates, is Momota. Momota, who decided _who the fuck knows when_ to act as Kokichi’s guardian, a fucking knight in shining armor, ready to assist Kokichi with whatever he needs.

It’s annoying as hell. It’s also the complete opposite of the Momota he knew during the Killing Game. The Momota that would punch him in the face without hesitation, the Momota who would chase him around the whole academy while yelling like an idiot, the Momota who hated him, the Momota who didn’t treat him like a porcelain doll, the Momota who kill- **but seriously why is he like that? It’s frustrating, frustrating, frustrating, what does he want from me, I can’t even give him anything, I’m broken, useless, just a liar that couldn’t even win against a fucking robotic bear**

The Momota who is now bringing their breakfast to his room and eating with him every day, and playing games with him, even if he should do it with others, he should spend time with them and not with him, _especially not with him._

“Damn!” Momota hisses after he’s beaten by Kokichi in chess for yet another time. “Seriously, you’re too good at it, man. I can’t even predict half of your moves.”

That’s good, that’s very good, that means his masks are working. Momota isn’t an ideal subject to try them on as he believes in stuff easily but there’s nothing else Kokichi can do, _no one else to test them on._

Kokichi smirks and then giggles.

“Nishishi~, Momota-chan is just too~ stupid to win against me!” He exclaims proudly. “Did ’ya know I once won a match against the President of Russia? I got half of the country as a reward!” He adds, watching the astronaut closely to see his reaction.

Momota doesn’t get angry at his lies, no, at least not at the silly ones. Instead, he just laughs and for a moment he looks just like during the first days of the killing game. Before any of the murders happened. He looks relaxed and genuinely happy.

And Kokichi feels happy about cheering him up too, with his white, innocent lies. If only just for a moment.

“Yeah, right, Ouma, and I’m the freaking Queen of England”, he snorts which only makes Kokichi laugh too.

“Nice to meet you, your Majesty”, he winks and immediately gets hit on his face with a pillow. “Hey!”

“That’s what you get for goofin’ around, you gremlin!” Momota exclaims, clearly proud of himself. Kokichi for a moment only looks at him and smiles to himself when Momota’s not looking.

It’s nice. Momota’s finally being himself again. It’s comforting, it’s grounding.

_But weren’t their personas a lie as well?_

* * *

 ~~Momota~~ Kaito really doesn’t want him to meet the others.

_When did he start calling him Kaito?_

It became quite clear to Kokichi when he started paying more attention to the astronaut’s actions. Because he isn’t really mobile yet **fuck this stupid wheelchair, I hate it so much** Kaito put himself in charge of driving him around the hospital complex and especially the big garden that is outside.

He always chooses empty, secluded areas. Even with Kokichi, if they’re outside of his room, Kaito is constantly on the lookout, nervous and vigilant, ready to do whatever he thinks is right to spare ~~the rest of them~~ Kokichi from seeing ~~him~~ them.

He also constantly dodges questions and comments about their classmates. At this point, Kokichi is tired of bringing them up and looking at Kaito’s hesitant, uncomfortable face.

It’s no fun at all.

After that one time at the beginning, after he woke up, that time that was a _complete disaster_ , Kaito does what he can to shield Kokichi from the sight of the rest of the survivors. Kokichi doesn’t bring himself to act like he cares very much. If he was alone, he would probably avoid them anyway.

He can’t stop shivering when he thinks about all the looks he got when Kaito drove him to the cafeteria that one time. When the astronaut told everyone, all happy and giddy, that Kokichi finally woke up and now they’re all reunited.

He can’t stop thinking about all the blank or angry looks they got. About looking at Shuuichi to search for something, _anything, he isn’t even sure what he wanted to see here, but he didn’t want to see nothing, he didn’t want to see Shuuichi avoid his eyes and just look at the floor_ **why aren’t you looking at me Saihara-chan, do you hate me so much? Am I that hideous to you? I’ve done a lot of bad, right? It’s not like you can forgive me**

**Hey, tell me. Can you even understand what Momota-chan is doing? ‘Cause I can’t get him, even if I try. He should be with you all and not me**

**He should be with you**

Every time it happens, Kaito seems to notice straight away, because the next thing Kokichi always recalls is Kaito’s quiet voice gently telling him to look around and list five things he can see.

And he does that because there’s no way he would refuse those magenta eyes looking at him guiltily and without an ounce of deception swirling in them. He’s not that heartless.

At the end of the list he’s already joking and messing around just to wipe that expression from Kaito’s face. Just to make him laugh or make him angry, anything really, so that Kaito wouldn’t look like _that_.

It doesn’t suit him after all.

But they can’t always avoid their classmates and while Kaito stays out of their way, guiding Kokichi’s wheelchair in a different direction, Kokichi can’t help but notice the sad and longing looks Kaito’s giving the other students, especially when it’s Harukawa or Shuuichi. And it always makes him feel extremely guilty that Kaito is wasting his time on him and not on his sidekicks or any other people worthy of Momota Kaito’s time.

And after one too many times, Kokichi finally snaps.

_He has had enough._

Kaito sometimes has appointments with his therapist. They all have, some just meet with theirs more often than others. In Kokichi’s case, the meetings are pretty often but the lady who’s assigned to take care of him is annoying and he’d rather bite off his own tongue than tell her anything. So, he mostly lies and watches her reactions.

She gets annoyed at him pretty quickly. She’s _so_ bad at her job.

Kaito’s appointments are rare. Kokichi isn’t sure if it’s because the astronaut doesn’t need them that much or if he’s avoiding them. Either way, it’s not common for Kaito to leave Kokichi alone and go see his therapist.

That’s why, the moment the opportunity presents itself, Kokichi makes sure to use it well.

Operating his wheelchair around is difficult, mostly because his arms are still weak from the induced coma and several months of not using the muscles. But he’s determined to make it work and he needs to do it fast, otherwise Kaito will catch him and ruin his plans.

So he does what he can to get to the common room as quickly as possible.

Thankfully, the room isn’t far from the patient rooms and some of his classmates are there. Once he enters the room, the wheels slowly rolling through an ugly blue carpet, the overall chatter stops and they all look at him. There’s not many of them, not even a half of their class but it’s still more than enough.

Kokichi gulps nervously. He desperately tries to put on a bored, annoyed mask to hide everything. It’s difficult, even if he did practice with Kaito before, but he does his best to prepare himself for the worst.

He can spot Miu in one of the corners tinkering with something, and Gonta is near the window playing with a butterfly. The big boy smiles brightly as if he doesn’t see Kokichi at all.

Something in Kokichi’s heart breaks at the sight of those two. They’re still here. They’re fine, despite everything that he did to them.

_They’re alive._

“Good morning, Ouma-kun”, he hears on his right and when he turns in that direction, he can see Akamatsu standing near to him, a nervous smile on her face. He bites his lower lip while staying silent. She’s clearly uncomfortable talking to him but her being a goody-two-shoes forces her to greet him anyway.

**That’s the Akamatsu-chan I remember**

“Morning, Akamatsu-chan”, he says back cheerfully and immediately decides he hates the sound of his own voice. _It’s fake, it’s so fake he cannot stand it, when did he get so bad at this that he can’t even fool himself anymore?_ “I finally managed to lock Momota-chan in a closet so that I could come and meet you guys undistracted!”

“Oh...” Akamatsu laughs but it’s a forced laugh. She’s so nervous Kokichi can’t even look at her without feeling guilty. “You locked Momota-kun in a closet...?”

“Nishishi~ I lied! Momota-chan is currently being _bored_ to death by his therapist! Or maybe it’s the other way around, who knows? Seriously, I pity them both!” He rambles mostly to himself while he tries to move his wheelchair more into the room. It’s difficult with this awful carpet.

“I see, so Momota-kun has his appointment now”, the girl says, and her smile relaxes a bit. Before Kokichi can even protest, she guides his wheelchair to the room and leaves him close to the big table that’s in the center.

“I... thank you, Akamatsu-chan.” Kokichi mumbles. The girl flashes him with a bright smile and that puts him slightly at ease.

The others in the room, Miu, Angie, Amami and Hoshi, don’t pay much attention to him or at least they appear not to. Miu is still busy with her little invention, Angie is painting something on the floor, Amami is reading what appears to be a manga and Hoshi is just sitting next to a small piano and listening to Akamatsu playing.

But Kokichi knows better, he’s the best liar out of them all. He can see Amami secretly glancing at him, he can see Miu sending him secret, unsure looks as well.

But he doesn’t sense any malice in them, only uncertainty and carefulness. As if they don’t know what to do with him.

 **Well, it’s better than being outright hated, right?** Kokichi sighs quietly and grabs a piece of paper from the table, as well as a pen. He figures out that, if maybe Kaito finds him here and witnesses him being civil with their classmates, maybe he will also try to spend more time with them.

Once he starts doodling something to keep himself occupied, Gonta finally notices him and immediately goes to sit in front of him, his face bearing a huge and warm smile.

“Is Ouma-kun feeling better?” He asks and Kokichi can’t help but smile at him. “Ouma-kun can spend time with us now?”

_Ah, how he missed the big guy._

“Yeah, Gonta, I feel better now”, he allows himself to be genuine for a moment and speaks to Gonta softly, almost like a puppy. “Are you feeling okay too?”

“Yes! There are lots of bug friends here and Gonta feels happy to play with them all!” He exclaims cheerfully. “But Gonta missed Ouma-kun so he’s glad to see him around again.”

For a short moment, Kokichi is taken aback by his words, as he completely didn’t anticipate them. He thought Gonta would be sad with him at the very least, if not just plainly angry, just like the rest of them.

_-Haha, plainly. Good one-_

Right, they should all be mad at him, but they aren’t. What’s up with that?

“Nishishi~ I see! Gonta has already fallen under my control!” He exclaims giggling just to clear his face, to hide, _he’s so desperate to hide again, he won’t survive if he lets himself believe they care and he ends up disappointed yet again, **please no, do not let me be disappointed again, please**_ “I always knew you’d become a splendid underling, Gonta!”

The big guy only laughs, his cheeks blushing, as he’s scratching his face in clear embarrassment. Although his words are misleading, Kokichi’s voice doesn’t hold any malice. It’s just jokes, innocent lies made to entertain.

Whether or not anyone believes him, he’s done with manipulating Gonta. He’s not gonna hurt the sweetest person in the whole world even one more time.

When Akamatsu starts playing piano, Kokichi closes his eyes for a moment and allows himself to be consumed by the song. It’s cute and a bit melancholic and although he doesn’t know the title or the author, he decided it’s the best piano piece he has ever heard.

Heck, maybe Akamatsu has written it herself? Who knows what she was doing for the last months. He’ll need to ask her about it later.

He immediately snaps, the song forgotten, when he hears footsteps in the distance. Before he knows it, two people whom he _didn’t want to see_ , Harukawa and Shuuichi, enter the common room. Harukawa instantly locks her eyes with Kokichi and a big angry scowl appears on her face.

“What is _he_ doing here?” she growls and even Akamatsu stops playing. Everyone goes silent.

Kokichi glances briefly at the detective **former detective, isn’t that what we all are? Just fakes, pretenders, liars, and I’m the biggest one** but Shuuichi isn’t looking at him yet again. So instead, Kokichi focuses entirely on the ~~former~~ assassin.

“I have all the rights to be here, Harukawa-chan”, he muses, a slight smile forming itself on his face. “Aren’t I a part of this class after all? And a survivor too, just like the rest.”

“No, you aren’t”, she says coldly. “You’re a lying piece of shit. Half of what happened during the killing game is your fault and you know it.”

 _Tch, straight to the point huh? And that one hurt_ Kokichi almost winces as if she shot him with another arrow. He can only hope this one isn’t poisoned; he doesn’t want to go through that again.

His mind still scrambled, Kokichi frantically analyses the situation. If he allows her to corner him with words and accusations, he’d have no other choice but to play by her rules and he doesn’t want that. Doesn’t matter if the Killing Game has ended, he doesn’t want to spill all his secrets to them.

Harukawa isn’t the one he owes an apology after all.

“Oh, really?” he grins widely, not sure why he’s even doing that, it’s like a switch in him designed specifically to deal with Harukawas. That seems to only provoke the girl more.

“You lied to us all. You were constantly scheming, manipulating us like fucking puppets that would play as you tell them. You laughed to our faces when our friends were _dying_ ” she seethes.

Kokichi blinks, his palms curling into fists. He... has to say something, to refute her words somehow before the silence falls on him or before she decides to say more. But…

**but aren’t those the words I say to myself every night since I woke up?**

“Funny, Harukawa-chan”, he mutters, hand grasping his too big t-shirt. “Aren’t you talking about the mastermind?”

“But you’re the one who told us all that you’re the mastermind! How many times have you said just how much fun the killing game is and how you’re getting off to _us suffering_?” She growls and there’s so much hatred behind her words, so much disgust. “How many times have you conspired with Monokuma just to _make everything worse_?”

“No, that’s not...” he tries but he falters mid-sentence. His eyes aren’t watching Harukawa anymore, who’s fuming with anger, but instead they lock onto Shuuichi who’s standing behind her. Shuuichi, who’s finally looking at him. Who’s dead silent but might as well not be, it wouldn’t matter either way.

As his golden eyes are cold and filled with resentment.

**No, Saihara-chan, you don’t understand…**

“Stop fucking lying, Ouma! You fucked up half of the trials. You killed Gokuhara, you killed Iruma, you nearly killed us all with your stupid plan to end the killing game!” She says and although Kokichi knows it’s her voice, it’s as if it’s Shuuichi actually telling him all this.

“Please, stop..” he tries, he _begs_ , because that’s all he can do, because that’s all he can think of, because he can’t think of anything else but **blood, jesus, so much blood, I’m sorry Iruma-chan, I’m sorry Gonta, please don’t look at me, I’m sorry Angie-chan, I’m sorry Toujo-chan**

His hands shoot up high and grasp onto his hair until they’re filled with it. His mind is frantic, while he tries to _desperately think of a way to get out of there. But he can’t, he can’t, because his wheelchair is too heavy and he cannot go through the carpet without struggling and he’s alone, oh god, he’s alone again, and nobody will care, nobody ever cares if he’s lying or not, only Kaito.._

**Kaito, where is Kaito, I need Kaito, Kaito please help me-**

_-But Kaito isn’t here-_

“And what’s the worst of this, you fucking manipulated Momota into this _sick, suicidal plan of yours!_ ” She cries out and she’s shaking but Kokichi can’t see this, he can only see Shuuichi’s golden eyes judging him and he can only feel his mind breaking.

_-Squish, squish, just like it broke under the press-_

“And then you killed him too!” She adds and that finally pushes Kokichi over the edge.

And he snaps.

And he starts screaming.

**It’s not true, she’s lying, she must be fucking lying, there’s no way, there’s no way I killed Kaito, no, everyone but him, everyone but Kaito**

_-But you did, didn’t you? You killed him the moment you decided to coerce him into helping you. You killed him by using him to kill you-_

**NO! It’s a lie, it’s a lie, it’s nothing but a big, ugly lie and I won’t believe it! I gave him a choice, I g-gave him a choice and he decided to help me just like he’s helping me now**

_-Yeah, he helped you because he didn’t want Harukawa to get executed. And he’s helping you now because he feels bad for you. Because he pities you. If not for that pity, you would be alone, just like you were before..-_

**No, you’re lying! I had friends, I had DICE..**

_-..and they’re either dead or never existed..-_

**..I had Saihara-chan! My beloved, beloved Saihara-chan..**

_-..who is looking at you like a disgusting piece of shit that you are. Just give up, Kokichi. You can lie all you want but you won’t escape the truth this time. Even Kaito won’t help you-_

Kokichi’s screaming. Or crying. Or both. He’s not sure if the conversation between himself _and himself?_ is happening inside his brain or if he’s saying it out loud. He can’t tell. He has difficulty breathing too.

The whole world is spinning and he’s like a leaf during a tornado, just getting carried around without any control over himself. His throat starts to hurt, his scalp and body too, but he doesn’t care, he’s barely registering the pain, it’s almost as if he’s watching himself from a different perspective.

From a bystander’s perspective.

///

Before Kokichi will even think about screaming, Kaito is already in the corridors, having searched both the supreme leader’s room and the garden outside. He’s worried, extremely worried, he just finished his therapist appointment which was **less than ideal.**

On top of that, he almost ran into his sidekicks while searching for Kokichi. He had to hide in the bathroom just to make sure they wouldn’t see him. **Jeez, really, why is Luminary of The Stars hiding from his own friends? That’s getting ridiculous.**

And he’s searched almost everywhere, every place that he can think of, and there’s still no sight of Kokichi but **he’s on a wheelchair, he can’t move around too much so he should be somewhere close, he should be somewhere…**

And that’s when he hears him.

That’s when he hears Kokichi screaming.

**It’s the worst sound he has ever heard, beating even the sound of the hydraulic press crushing a body. Kokichi’s body.**

Not thinking twice, he rushes to the source of the sound which is, to his even bigger terror, the common room. He stumbles into the room, trying to suddenly stop in his tracks.

**The sight he sees is one that he never wanted to see.**

Kokichi is laying on the floor, his hands frantically pulling on his hair, his wheelchair standing behind him. He’s hyperventilating, sobbing uncontrollably, muttering some gibberish to himself and that sight, **that sight alone breaks Kaito’s heart.**

Like on an automat he immediately leaps to Kokichi, **to help him, to lift him up and take him to his room, to make sure he stops crying, to help him calm down, to do something, anything-**

He stops when a hand grabs him by his arm and forces him to turn around. He can see Harumaki glaring at him, he can see Shuuichi standing behind her and looking at the floor.

And seeing those two, seeing his friends, his sidekicks with whom he hasn’t spoken in weeks, ever since Kokichi woke up, makes him understand.

“What. Did. You. Do”, he growls infuriated, his voice laced with venom. It takes Harumaki by surprise, she stumbles back and Kaito takes the opportunity to yank his arm from her grasp.

Not bothering to check on her again, he kneels in front of Kokichi who’s still crying, still gasping for air. He gently touches his hand, not wanting to scare him.

“Hey, Kichi. It’s okay. I’m here now”, he says softly and tries to delicately loosen the grasp the boy has on his hair. “Are you with me?”

Kokichi lifts his head and looks at him and Kaito has to keep himself from scooping the boy up and crushing him in a big hug. Kokichi’s face is red and swollen, there’s snot and tears all over his face and he’s shaking like a leaf.

“Kaito..” he mewls and Kaito bites his lower lip.

“I’m here, Kichi. I’m sorry I’m late”, he says trying his best not to let his voice waver. “What do you need right now, Kichi?”

Kokichi finally leaves his hair alone and clumsily opens his arms, still sending Kaito that lost and pitiful expression. The astronaut nods and carefully, trying not to hurt the shorter boy, collects him into a comforting hug.

Only now he can sense just how much his friend is shaking.

**His friend... huh. Kichi would probably disagree.**

**Since when has he started calling him Kichi anyway?**

“Everything’s fine now, Kichi. I need you to focus on my voice, okay?” He asks and can feel Kokichi nod. “Alright. I need you to breathe with me. Just breathe. Slowly inhale… and exhale… and again.”

He focuses himself on setting an easy to follow pattern of breathing so that Kokichi can mimic him without problems. He counts every shaky breath and while he does that, the anger boiling deep in his stomach slowly emerges again. He bites his lip one more time, feeling a slight metallic taste on his tongue.

“Kaito...?” He hears and that makes him feel guilty he stopped paying attention to the other boy.

“It’s alright, Kichi. You’re doing a great job, I’m so proud of you.”

“You are...?”

“Yes, I am” he smiles slightly knowing that even if Kokichi can’t see his smile, he can hear it in his words. “You’re even better than me, as always. I’m super proud of you.”

“And I’m…” **small sob** “I’m not forcing you to help me, right?”

“What?” he gets surprised by the question. _Just why would he… oh. RIGHT._ “No, stupid, you’re not forcing me to do anything”, he says, a little harsher than he’s supposed to in this situation and he immediately feels bad about that.

But Kokichi doesn’t seem to mind. He only nods to himself and Kaito can swear he hears a small ‘right’ next to his ear but then Kokichi hugs him tighter, burying his face in the astronaut’s shoulder.

“Will you carry me to my room?” he asks, his voice hoarse and noticeably tired. Kaito smiles at that.

“Of course. You can count on me with that!” He says cheerfully. He can even feel Kokichi smiling back.

“Okay. I’ll take a little nap if that’s alright.”

“Sure, go ahead, Kichi” he says gently and stays still until the boy in his arms starts breathing more evenly and his muscles relax. Only then Kaito allows himself to carefully stand up, fully intent on fulfilling his promise to Kokichi.

He stops for a quick moment in the entrance, shooting a glare at Harumaki and Shuuichi.

“Stay the fuck away from him, you two”, he says, and he can’t believe his voice can be that cold towards his own friends. But he’s still mad at them both. He’s not gonna let them torment Kokichi over Kaito’s own mistakes. “Please”, he adds just to ease the situation a little. They’re his friends after all and he’s the one who fucked up the most.

Not bothering to wait for an answer, he leaves the common room with Kokichi in his arms. The boy is sleeping lightly, his face finally relaxed although still swollen.

Only when he’s in the middle of the corridor, he hears someone quietly call after him. When he turns back, he sees Akamatsu who is guiding Kokichi’s wheelchair in front of her. She smiles at him and he smiles back.

“I figured I’d help a little.”

“Oh. Yeah. Thanks. Won’t have to go back for it”, he says, slightly unsure about talking to Akamatsu. He hasn’t talked to her in weeks and she’s friends with Shuuichi.

The blonde girl catches up to ~~him~~ them and Kaito can see that she looks sad. They walk in silence, with the only sounds accompanying them being the wheels of the wheelchair and their steps. When they reach Kokichi’s room, the boy is still asleep. Akamatsu opens the door for them before Kaito has even a chance to react. She shoots him a small smile and lets him go into the room first. Only then she follows, parking the wheelchair in the corner of the room.

Kaito slowly places Kokichi in his bed and covers him with a galaxy print blanket, the one he once brought from his room. He takes a tissue and delicately wipes the shorter boy’s face, getting rid of all the wetness and snots that already started to dry out. He smiles to himself and throws the tissue into the trash once he’s done.

Fully intent to sit next to Kokichi’s bed, Kaito is stopped by Akamatsu’s hand gently tugging the sleeve of his grey hoodie. He looks at her unsure and sees her slowly pointing towards the door. He nods.

They stop in front of Kokichi’s door, Kaito leaves them slightly open in case his friend wakes up and freaks out because **Kaito’s not there**. He briefly wonders what Akamatsu wants from him. The girl takes a moment to start.

“I’m sorry about what happened, Momota-kun”, she says and Kaito is surprised by it. Her helping out was already nice but why is she apologizing now? Did she take a part in that shitshow? Why is she apologizing **to him and not to Kokichi?**

His anger from before comes back, as if a switch was suddenly flipped.

“What the ever loving fuck happened there?” he hisses, trying to be quiet enough not to wake up sleeping Kichi, but still not being able to quite contain his emotions. “Whose fucking idea was it to gang up on him to the point he breaks?”

“I don’t think anyone could predict Ouma-kun would react that way..” she starts quietly but Kaito snorts and glares at her.

“Yeah, no shit. Have any of you talked to him _even once_ since he woke up?”

“Actually, we were getting along at first. Ouma-kun looked unsure but was really nice to everyone, even with his usual lying” she retorts in an attempt to defend herself. “He even talked to Gonta-kun and we were just peacefully hanging out!”

“Wait. ‘We’ as in who?” he asks, tightening his lips. “Were Shuuichi and Harumaki there at first?”

“Well, no. It was only me, Gonta-kun, Iruma-san, Angie-san, Amami-kun and Hoshi-kun. And Ouma-kun came after a while. Saihara-kun and Harukawa-san came to the room later and..”

“And what?”

“And Harukawa-san started arguing with Ouma-kun, accusing him of horrible stuff. He tried to defend himself but it was obvious her words got to him fast. And when she said that he killed Gonta-kun, Iruma-san and Momota-kun back in the killing game, that’s when he started screaming”, she finishes quietly, closing her eyes. Kaito feels guilty that he forced a confession out of her, but also grateful that he finally knows what happened. Kokichi probably wouldn’t tell him a thing anyway.

“Thanks, Akamatsu. Now i won’t have to try to guess what happened”, he sighs. Akamatsu smiles delicately at him.

“You and Ouma-kun grew really close, huh?” She notices and Kaito can feel his face go red.

“W-well yeah, he’s my rival, I gotta keep an eye on him” he answers visibly flustered while scratching his beard and not looking at the girl. She giggles quietly and that makes Kaito even more red.

“That’s good, Momota-kun. I think Ouma-kun really appreciates it” she says warmly.

Kaito looks at her for a quick moment, unsure, but then relaxes. She means well, after all.

“I should go back to him before he wakes up”, he says. “Thanks, Akamatsu.”

The pianist shows him another smile, this one bigger and happier.

“Anytime.”

///

It’s still somewhat bright outside when he wakes up. He feels tired, sluggish, and cannot exactly recall what happened that he found himself back in his room, in his bed again. Only after a moment of just laying down and looking at the ceiling the events of the morning come back to him.

He takes a deep breath, feeling his body shaking. He has two conclusions forming in his head.

One? He needs to avoid Harukawa and ~~Shuuichi~~ Saihara like fire. _Especially_ ~~Shu~~ Saihara. He wouldn’t have reacted like that to Harukawa’s _mostly true_ words if Saihara wasn’t there _._ He cannot seem to get rid of _his stupid feelings for the detective_ so it’s best to minimalize their time together. Not like Saihara would mind anyway.

Two? He has problems with his memory. Almost every time after waking up he seems to experience a lag of some sorts and his memories come back to him after a moment or so. That’s troublesome. And worrying. There’s also that weird voice that was.. _talking to him?_ Creepy.

Is it because they weren’t able to pull him off in time before his death and his brain got damaged in some way? That would explain the difficulties he has with thinking in general. He feels his thinking process is slowed down; he can’t exactly control his masks either. It’s not good; it’s not good at all. His mind and his masks are two of his most powerful weapons along with his words. If he cannot use them properly, he’s vulnerable. He’s weak.

_He’s hopeless._

Only then his hand, that is wandering on the blanket while he’s busy assessing his situation, comes upon something weird, that definitely doesn’t have the blanket’s structure and is more like a beard. He can also feel a wave of warm, wet air that’s being blown on it. When he looks in that direction, he can’t help but smile.

Kaito is sleeping while half sitting on a chair _**that looks really uncomfortable**_ and half laying on Kokichi’s bed. It’s his face that Kokichi accidentally touched so the supreme leader slowly takes his hand away as to not disturb the sleeping boy.

He smiles to himself. He doesn’t know what happened after his argument with Harukawa, his memories are really foggy. But he knows Kaito must’ve found him and carried him to his room. He also stayed with him to make sure Kokichi is fine.

It’s a strange feeling. It almost feels like Kaito cares. Kokichi doesn’t know what to do with it so he decides that the astronaut has won this round. He will let him pretend that they are friends and he will also let him take care of Kokichi. It’s only because the astronaut has been really stubborn with it and not because it actually feels nice to have someone who cares.

Because it doesn’t. Not at all. Nu-uh.

Kokichi spends the rest of the evening feeling lighter and pulls a small prank on Kaito when the astronaut wakes up.

* * *

Kaito _really_ doesn’t like talking with his therapist.

He also doesn’t like mentioning this topic in front of him, Kokichi noticed.

He usually tries to humor the astronaut and doesn’t ask any questions but he’s getting more and more curious and it’s almost too difficult now to keep himself from probing and digging, and _asking._

The things definitely got better after that fiasco in the common room. Akamatsu hangs out with them more and seems to actually enjoy it. Sometimes the others join them as well, like Gonta, Amami or Hoshi. Even Chabashira, Angie and Yumeno seem not to mind Kokichi’s presence all that much.

Shinguuji is still a massive creep and Toujo is still mom. Miu seems to be _rightfully_ wary of the supreme leader but he recently found a small alarm clock shaped like a horse in his room. He knows who made it and he’s really thankful.

They don’t talk about Kiibo and Shirogane all that much. He only learned that Shirogane was the mastermind and that Kiibo was modeled after a weird kid named Iidabashi who created the AI. He sometimes visits them and brings gifts but is not in the hospital for obvious reasons.

Kokichi still makes sure not to stumble across Harukawa nor Saihara. He mainly hangs out with Kaito, _as always_ , Akamatsu or Amami. Gonta sometimes too but as much as the big guy is lovable, he is also very tiring.

Amami quickly proves himself to be quite an interesting companion. He’s usually calm, doesn’t talk too much but is also very observant and smart, Kokichi likes to spend time with him. Amami is good at seeing through his lies, even the less ridiculous ones. 

Although, ever since Kokichi’s bond with Amami grew, the supreme leader has started noticing strange things. And almost all of them are about Kaito.

Kaito gets really upset if Kokichi spends too much time with someone else that isn’t him. Of course, the astronaut isn’t as withdrawn as he was before, he also interacts with their classmates a lot more and gets along with them, being his usual stupid hero persona. But if he doesn’t get enough attention from the supreme leader, he gets mopy and shoots weird looks at the boy when he thinks Kokichi isn’t watching.

But it’s really hard not to notice those looks.

At first Kokichi thought it was because Kaito was just moody or wanted to hang out with those particular classmates Kokichi was talking to but without Kokichi.

“Maybe he’s jealous you’re not spending time with _him_?” Akamatsu mused one time, guiding Kokichi’s wheelchair to the therapy building. Kokichi’s appointment with the physiotherapist was about to begin in fifteen minutes and the boy couldn’t wait to stand on his own two feet again. He laughed at the blonde girl’s words.

“Momota-chan jealous? Nonsense, Akamatsu-chan. He can’t be jealous of them talking to me, no. In fact, it can only be the other way around”, he said with the ultimate confidence in his voice.

Akamatsu only hummed but didn’t say another word. Kokichi soon forgot about that little conversation, too preoccupied with his physiotherapy. 

But then again, soon after that, Kokichi noticed other issues.

Issue number two, Kaito doesn’t like Amami. No, it’s more than that. He basically glares at the other boy, especially if he comes to collect Kokichi from their little hangout sessions. He’s always unnaturally uptight, looks extremely pissed off and only responds in short sentences if Amami asks him about something. But once the poor guy is out of the field of view, Kaito relaxes and cheerfully asks Kokichi about his day. 

It’s weird to see Kaito’s mood changing so drastically. But seeing those moments, Kokichi can’t help but recall Akamatsu’s words and begins to wonder if maybe, _just maybe_ , the astronaut is really jealous.

And that as well makes it hard for him to not ask any questions. And when he cannot ask questions, all he has left is to wonder and worry.

Instead, he lightly makes fun of Kaito to keep the distance between them, just in case.

* * *

It doesn’t take Kokichi long before he can walk short distances with the help of a cane or crutches. It’s extremely tiring and he usually feels exhausted afterwards but he’s determined to be fully mobile again so he keeps on trying and never misses a therapy session.

Akamatsu says she admires his determination, Gonta cheers him on, Miu steals his crutches once or twice to pimp them out for him. Amami celebrates his milestones with him and Kaito ruffles his hair while laughing and exclaiming just how proud he is of the supreme leader.

The last one leaves him with a weird ache in his chest and his cheeks burning. He doesn’t like that one bit.

But what a nice group of ~~friends~~ underlings he has.

Kokichi takes a big liking to Amami, on occasions even calling him ‘his beloved’. It doesn’t bother the other boy, quite the opposite, he laughs and says that Kokichi is a good repellent for the thirsty nurses. Kokichi is fine with that, after all, he doesn’t do it seriously. He only ever called Saihara like that seriously and it got him nowhere anyway.

Him and Saihara are still keeping their distance, although Kokichi has recently noticed Kaito is talking to his sidekick again.

Kaito still spends most of his free time either with Kokichi or in Kokichi’s room. They got Gonta and some poor helper boy from the cafeteria to bring a better chair to Kokichi’s room. Kaito can sleep on it and not damage his back as much as he did when he used to sleep half laying on Kokichi’s bed. That way they can play cards, watch movies, do whatever they want until one of them, usually Kaito, falls asleep. 

That way Kokichi doesn’t feel alone if he wakes up from his nightmares.

But it’s not every night. Some nights Kaito just wishes him good dreams and goes back to his room, visibly bothered by something. Kokichi never asks, even if he wants to, because he _doesn’t want to bother the astronaut, he doesn’t want Kaito to hate him anymore and he’s scared Kaito will hate him if he starts asking question and he can’t-_

So Kokichi just usually nods, wishes him good night as well and spends the night alone. He hates those nights, he usually never sleeps through them afraid of the nightmares.

But recently the bad nights are happening more often. Kaito is more often telling him he’ll sleep in his own room and Kokichi is more often alone in his, trying to wait until the sun comes back and another day starts.

He develops dark bags under his eyes. His ~~friends~~ underlings are getting worried about him, although Kaito doesn’t seem to notice at all.

**Why isn’t he noticing? It’s his fault I can’t sleep**

But finally, Kokichi is so tired he falls asleep against his will and wakes up in the middle of the night screaming. 

Holding the galaxy blanket close to his body, he’s trembling, his eyes wide open because as soon as he closes them, Gonta and Miu are looking at him, their dead eyes and creepy smiles boring into his skull. // _Join us, Ouma//_ , they’re saying and Kokichi sees the press behind him, ready for him to lay on it and close his eyes for the last time.

He sees Shuuichi, his beloved detective, examine the pool of blood that he became. He sees the boy smile with glee at the realization as to who the blood belongs to.

_//Finally, Ouma-kun is no more. We can celebrate now//_

**No, no, Saihara-chan, please don’t-**

He gets up from the bed, legs shaky, so at first he stumbles on the floor. It takes him a moment to locate his cane but he finally does. 

Step by step, he leaves his room and goes straight to Kaito’s. He doesn’t care if the astronaut has some problems or anything like that, he can even tell the supreme leader to fuck off, Kokichi just _needs_ to see him. Needs to make sure he’s alive as he wasn’t present in the nightmare.

Needs to make sure there’s at least one person who cares about him.

He doesn’t know when he became so dependent on Kaito and he would rather die for a second time than to admit it to the astronaut. But the other boy has become the embodiment of Kokichi’s safe place. Somewhere along the way, the supreme leader’s broken mind has acknowledged Momota Kaito as some sort of safe refuge he can always come back to.

And he needs it now.

It takes Kokichi some time before he’s in front of Kaito’s door, trying to take a breath as he’s tired. But once he feels a little less exhausted, he knocks.

But nobody answers.

Pouting, annoyed that Kaito even _dares to ignore him,_ he tries again. 

But he’s met with silence once more.

Starting to become concerned, Kokichi tries to open the door. Once he pushes on the handle, it gives way easily and the door to Kaito’s room opens before him.

Kokichi hasn’t been in the astronaut’s room even once, they always hung out either in his room or somewhere else, never in Kaito’s. So when he steps inside, he’s unsure. Cursing at the cane making noises when it hits the floor, he quietly closes the door behind him.

“Momota-chan?”, he calls nervously, trying to look around. It’s dark in the room, the windows are covered and the lights are turned off. 

Kokichi is getting more and more scared with each passing second as he’s waiting for a response that isn’t coming. He can barely see in the dark but notices the door to the bathroom is slightly open.

Terrified, because it’s just like during the Killing Game and **please, god, gods, anyone, just don’t let Momota-chan be dead, please don’t let this happen again, take me, take anyone but him, please** he doesn’t want to lose Kaito, not now when they’ve become so close.

He has developed a major weakness that would have definitely killed him in the Killing Game.

It’s hard to make himself believe it’s not the Killing Game anymore; but he needs to be brave and face whatever life has thrown at him again, if not for himself then for Kaito. So he closes his eyes for a moment, takes a deep breath and then walks slowly to the bathroom.

**If you’re dead, Momota-chan, I will find your killer and I’ll make sure they’re gonna pay**

When he’s in front of the door, he opens them slowly. At first he can’t see anything since his eyes are still getting used to the darkness but he can hear.

And he hears a voice that he knows _oh_ so well but in a form that he hasn’t heard yet. 

“Kichi?”, is all it says. It’s raspy, wavy as if its owner was crying before. But it’s still Kaito’s voice and it makes Kokichi sigh with relief.

He almost starts crying right there and now, not sure if it’s because he’s happy or if the tension just left his body.

And that’s when he sees Kaito, huddled in the corner of the bathroom, only in his pajama pants, around him countless pieces of broken mirror glass. He can also smell blood.

“Yeah, Momota-chan, it’s me”, he says, his voice automatically becoming gentle. Trying to dodge all the glass pieces, he maneuvers his way to Kaito and sits in front of him. 

Kaito isn’t looking at him. He’s trembling, either from cold or sobbing. His hair is a mess, his face is wet from tears and his left arm is covered in blood. Kokichi bits his lip.

“What are you doing here?” Kaito asks and he sounds so broken, so _defeated_ , it almost makes Kokichi cry. 

“I was worried so I decided to check on you”, he says softly. It’s a lie but it doesn’t matter, it’s a lie that Kaito needs _and deserves_ to hear.

And it does bring a small smile to Kaito’s face.

“Really?” he asks and he sounds so surprised, so delighted by it, Kokichi has to grit his teeth to keep calm. 

_He doesn’t like Kaito in that state, he hates it, he needs to fix him as soon as possible._

“Really”, he says instead, trying to sound cheerful. “Momota-chan is always there when I need him so I wanted to be there for Momota-chan as well.” He muses, a playful smile showing on his lips. 

It’s fake, it’s all so fake, his face is almost twitching with self-disgust because he’s pretending to be calm and happy while he’s worried, so worried, but it’s what Kaito needs so he’s trying his best.

And Kaito smiles at his words at first, obviously delighted by them. But then he stops and instead he only looks deep into Kokichi’s eyes and his own magenta ones aren’t sparking with energy and feelings as usual.

They actually look almost empty.

“Call me Kaito. Please”, the boy pleads and it’s so pathetic, so broken and raw, Kokichi can only nod at this request. That seems to calm Kaito down.

But Kokichi recalls the conversation with Akamatsu. He thinks of Kaito’s recent behavior and he comes to a conclusion that both shocks him but also brings relief because it _kinda makes sense._

Kaito wants to be special. So Kokichi will let him be special.

“But everyone can call you Kaito”, he says smiling, not sure what the fuck he’s doing but going with it anyway. “I don’t want to be like everyone. I’m gonna call you Kai-chan!” he exclaims while eyeing the medkit that is laying on a nearby shelf. He slowly worms his way into Kaito’s arms. He manages to knock the medkit over with his cane and moves it through the floor.

“Kai-chan, huh?”, says the astronaut, completely ignoring Kokichi’s shenanigans with the medkit and loosely hugging him instead. “Am I important to you, Kichi?”

Kokichi freezes, abandoning his task of opening the medkit for a moment. “Why do you ask?”, he retorts slowly.

“Because” Kaito begins and he sounds unsure, as if he needed to say something but didn’t know what exactly “you’re important to _me_.”

“Am I?”, he asks against his own will, his throat getting dry, his eyes looking at the wall in front of him while Kaito puts his forehead on Kokichi’s arm.

“Yeah”, the astronaut says back and it’s almost a whisper but not quite; and it’s vibrating through Kokichi’s shoulder; and Kokichi can feel Kaito’s breath on his arm that’s only slightly covered by the short sleeve of his t-shirt. “‘Cause…” Kaito says again and he stops; and he takes a deep, shaky breath.

Kokichi says nothing, just waits. He has a feeling he should stop Kaito before he says something they both are gonna regret but is unable to. He’s more afraid that if _he_ starts talking, he will say something that will ruin this… this _thing_ that exists between them and that is so fragile they’ve been both dancing around it, too scared to disturb it.

And now Kaito is trying to disturb it, to turn everything upside down.

And Kokichi can only sit there with him and let him.

“I…” Kaito starts again, slowly getting frustrated. “I’m tired”, he sighs. “I’m tired of running away. Of pretending I’m someone I’m not. Of hiding. I’ve been hiding from Shuuichi and Harumaki ever since they woke up”, he laughs but there’s no humor in his laugh.

Kokichi closes his eyes and focuses on Kaito’s words. 

“At first I used checking up on you as an excuse. I was worried, of course, because..” _a pause_ “because you weren’t waking up. And it was my fault because I agreed to everything and.. and..”

“And you killed me, yes”, he says quietly. His masks are dropping and he’s kinda glad Kaito can’t see that.

“Yeah, I did, didn’t I?”, he mewls and it’s pathetic; and he hugs Kokichi tighter so Kokichi responds to his hug as well. “I killed you and I never apologized for it, not to the you who can actually hear me. I-“

“There’s nothing to apologize for”, he says, his voice stern. Just like in that hangar, when they were both dying, he lets himself be honest. He has done that a lot recently.

It’s difficult, so difficult, it makes him anxious but it’s what Kaito needs. And Kokichi wants to pay back for all the care Kaito has shown him. So just this once.

Although he’s still mad Kaito was trying to hide from him. But he will have time to be pissed off later.

“You did it because I asked you to. You wanted to save your friend and I wanted to end the Killing Game. And we both paid for it, so there’s nothing you need to apologize for”, he closes his eyes and starts petting Kaito’s back.

He’s scared. So scared of being honest, being vulnerable in front of another person. But Kaito’s vulnerable too. He’s not the hero Kokichi thought he was. So maybe, just maybe…

_…Kokichi can stop being a villain?_

_-Hah. Wishful thinking-_

“I.. didn’t actually want you to see me like that”, says Kaito and he even laughs while suddenly pushing Kokichi away. The supreme leader blinks twice, quite surprised by this. And confused.

“Huh?”

“Didn’t want you to see me so.. _weak_.” Kaito’s face twists in disgust. “I’m supposed to be strong, right? Supposed to support you and not the other way around. And instead, I’m fucking moping like a loser over some dumb shit”, he laughs dryly but the laughter doesn’t reach his eyes.

Kokichi quickly grows annoyed by his words. **This motherfucking-**

“You’re kidding, right?”, he seethes and that takes Kaito visibly aback. He furrows his brows while looking at Kokichi. “You’re the worst fucking liar I’ve seen by far. There’s no way I wouldn’t notice that something’s _clearly_ bothering you, y’know?” he clicks his tongue with disapproval. “You can’t fool a liar, Mo-, _Kai-chan._ I just didn’t ask, because”, he stops abruptly, not sure what he wanted to say.

**Was I about to tell Kaito that I don’t want him to hate me?**

“Because..?” Kaito inquires, his eyes wide open and locked onto Kokichi’s face. The boy gets flustered with the amount of staring so he focuses his own eyes on the floor.

“Doesn’t matter”, he closes his eyes. “The point is, you don’t need to be a hero. Honestly, that stupid hero schtick grew old a long time ago”, he sighs and gives Kaito a quick look. The astronaut is still staring at him and listening to every word. “If you want to play the hero so badly then go ahead, do it in front of the others. But not in front of me. I can see it’s draining you and _I hate it_ ” he grimaces “and that’s not a lie.”

For a moment, there is silence. It’s just Kokichi, looking in every direction _but_ Kaito’s and Kaito still having his eyes locked on him. Neither boy says anything.

“I.. don’t need to be strong in front of you?” Kaito finally asks and it sounds unsure, scared, _hopeful_ and Kokichi just wants to hug the astronaut because he just wants him to stop hurting and show him that he cares, because somewhere along the way, he realizes, he started to care.

And it’s so scary, so new, to care for someone, to want them to be happy and to thrive, to want to support them and help them anyway he can. Sure, there were DICE before that but he’s not exactly sure if they ever even existed or if the memories he has were fabricated.

But Kaito is real, very much real, and he’s right here, right in front of Kokichi, waiting for an answer from him, waiting to be cared for and supported and, Kokichi already learned that, waiting to give twice as much in return.

But can Kokichi trust him? Can Kokichi trust Kaito with his feelings, with his thoughts, with anything and everything at the same time? Can he make that big, scary step that will turn the whole world upside down and change everything Kokichi knew up until this point? 

**What even is trust, anyway?**

And then he looks Kaito in the eyes and he sees the magenta irises locked onto him; he sees they’re not so empty anymore and instead there’s a sliver of hope, a whole bunch of anxiety and something else, that he’s not sure how to name yet but it makes his chest fill with warmth and his head feel dizzy.

Saihara didn’t want his trust. Kaito clearly does.

“Yeah”, he says finally and his voice is shaking. He hates that but he starts to hate it a little less when he sees Kaito visibly relax. He relaxes as well, only now realizing just how tense he was. “I’m a liar but.. it’s not a lie when I say that I want to help. And you don’t need to play pretend in front of me.”

“Okay, Kichi” says Kaito with a smile.

And it’s beautiful, it’s genuine and Kokichi is the one who let that smile happen, he’s the reason for it and it makes him happy, anxious, terrified, but happy. 

“Can I hug you again?” Kaito asks and Kokichi nods because yes, that’s what he needs too.

So Kokichi slips into Kaito’s arms again and they close around him. He can hear Kaito sigh as the astronaut leans his head on Kokichi’s shoulder while hugging him tightly. 

And Kokichi hugs back, closing his eyes. He’s back in his safe place and he doesn’t need to worry about things anymore, if just for a moment.

Or rather, he would, but the smell of drying blood is still around and they need to do something about it.

The atmosphere is broken when Kokichi wiggles out of Kaito’s arms and snatches a medkit before the other boy can even protest. Once Kaito’s arm is disinfected and bandaged, Kokichi clumsily leads Kaito to the astronaut’s bed.

They both lay down on it and Kokichi inspects the bandages once more. Once he makes sure they’re fine, he smiles.

“Is that okay?”, says Kaito, unsure because up until now they haven’t slept in the same bed aside from that one time. Besides, it’s his bed and not Kokichi’s.

“We both need sleep, Kai-chan”, the supreme leader replies. “I’m too tired to go back to my room and there’s no way you’re carrying me there with that arm. So just shush and go to sleep. G’night”, he adds tiredly.

Kaito only sighs and visibly gives up while Kokichi wiggles around for a moment trying to get himself in a comfortable position. Only when he stops Kaito lets himself wrap the boy in a hug and put a blanket over them.

“Night, Kichi”, he smiles. Kokichi smiles back.

It doesn’t take them long to both fall asleep.

* * *

Something has changed since then. No, scratch that.

 _A lot_ has changed.

Kokichi and Kaito grew even closer than before. They spend most of their time together, either with or without their classmates. At night they simply go to Kokichi or Kaito’s room and fall asleep curled up in the bed together.

Kaito dotes on Kokichi whenever possible and while the supreme leader acts like he hates it, it makes him really happy. He often feels as if he’s back with DICE again. Then he shakes his head and makes himself stop thinking about people that were probably never real.

Kokichi’s physical therapy is going smoothly as well. The boy can walk longer distances while only using a cane and his therapist even says he will be able to run and jump soon. It makes him happy to be mobile again.

He still hangs out with Amami a lot, preferring the company of the carefree and observant boy over some other students, but, for the sake of Kaito, he stopped calling Amami ‘his beloved’. When Amami asked about that, Kokichi only shrugged and they both moved onto different topics. 

But ever since that night in Kaito’s room, the astronaut has started tolerating Amami. He’ll no longer glare at him and treat him the same as everyone. 

“Hey, can I ask you a question?” Amami starts one day while they’re sitting under a tree. Kokichi is doodling in his little notebook but he glances at the other boy and hums. Amami puts away the book he was reading.

“What is it, Amami-chan? Do you want to know how I plan to conquer the world?”, he says with a twisted smile and Amami nods for a moment, visibly lost in thought, but then reflects on it.

“What? No. Didn’t you say the other day that I’m not worthy of your secrets?”, he notices while furrowing his eyebrows.

“Nishishi~” Kokichi giggles. **I gotcha.** “I never said that, dear Amami-chan. I only said that you’ll have to join my evil organization first and become my underling.” 

Amami smiles. “I thought I was supposed to be your right hand man?”

“Well, if you prove yourself to be really useful to me”, he smiles. “I can say that, for now, you’re the best candidate. But it doesn’t mean that can’t change though.”

“Oh? So you’re not planning on making Momota-kun your right hand man then?” Amami’s smile grows and Kokichi finds himself slightly blushing.

Feeling as if he’s slowly losing control over the conversation, he looks at the grass.

“Well, duh, heroes can’t be part of secret evil organizations. Kai-chan is there to try to stop me from ruling over the world, not _help_ me with my plan”, he mutters while immediately realizing he made a mistake.

“ _Kai-chan_ , huh? How cute. You two are really close. Is that why Momota-kun was looking at me like he wanted to skin me alive?” He asks with a smile, his voice teasing.

Kokichi gets even more red, his face and ears burning.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Amami-chan.”

“How did you get him to stop and act civil like that, hm? Don’t get me wrong, I’m just curious.” Amami muses while watching Kokichi. Seeing just how uncomfortable the shorter boy is, he sighs. “Hey, sorry. If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine. Didn’t want to push”, he sends Kokichi a gentle smile.

Kokichi stops looking at the grass and looks at Amami instead.

“Just wanted you to know that I won’t judge you. Feel free to tell me things but it’s okay if you don’t. It’s.. I mean-” Amami stops and shakes his head. “Man, it’s tough. What I mean is, we’re friends, right? I know you’re not big on the ‘trust’ thing but yeah. It would mean a lot, if you wanted to confide in me or something.”

The boy stops and averts his gaze, looking even more uncomfortable than Kokichi was a second ago.

 **Friends, huh?** Kokichi bits his lips, nervous. This word is still giving him anxiety, just like ‘trust’. Can he really trust and be friends with others? They’re not DICE. He won’t live through another rejection if he decides to let them in, he’s sure of it.

But then he sees Amami glancing at him secretly. And he catches the boy’s intense and unsure gaze. Maybe.. just maybe..

_Maybe it’s time for him to change._

“I..”, he starts but his voice is breaking so he clears his throat and tries again. “Answering your question, Amami-chan. I didn’t do much”, he says quietly and he knows it’s weird, he knows it’s probably so out of character for him.

But he also thinks it doesn’t sound fake. It sounds like him. The real him, stripped of all the masks.

“I just didn’t lie”, he tries to smile and it’s a small smile but it’s genuine and true and it’s _him._

 ~~Amami~~ **_no, Rantarou_** smiles at him as well and seems satisfied with this answer even if Kokichi didn’t tell much. For a moment, they just sit under the tree in silence, enjoying the nice weather and slight wind.

“What are you going to do with Saihara-kun?” Rantarou suddenly asks and his voice is quiet, as if he was lost in thought. His question takes Kokichi aback.

“Huh?”

“After I woke up… me and Akamatsu-san watched the show as it aired”, he says and takes a deep breath. “I noticed some things” he stops and looks at Kokichi unsure. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that it was obvious or anything. It’s just.. I know this kind of thing.”

“You do?”, he asks. His throat is getting dry.

“I mean, I’m not sure if I _really_ do, after all, I don’t know if any of my sisters were real”, he chuckles and it’s sad, Kokichi can also hear the slight pain in his voice “but I do remember that I knew whenever they liked someone. I learned how to notice those things. You know, as a good older brother. Although I wasn’t one. A good one, I mean.”

“I… see. And sorry”, he says slowly. “But it doesn’t matter, Amami-chan. Saihara-chan hates me after all”, he smiles and it’s almost fake again. He just can’t help himself, habits are hard to fight against.

“Maybe you should confront him? Without Harukawa-san around, of course. If not, then.. you may regret it later”, he sighs. “Who knows where we’re all gonna end up after we leave this place.”

Kokichi nods at his words but doesn’t say anything else. ~~Ama~~ Rantarou is right, they will one day have to leave this place and this day is getting closer and closer. Kokichi may never see some of his classmates again and even if it leaves him with a little bit of relief; _he won’t have to look at Harukawa ever again_ ; it also means exactly what Rantarou has just said.

_That if he has something to say to the detective, he should just do it. Otherwise, he’ll regret it later._

“Thanks, Amami-chan. That’s actually quite good advice”, he says with a smile. Rantarou nods at him and smiles as well. “You’re actually not bad at being my right hand man.”

“Does that mean my promotion is official?” He chuckles but then reflects on it. “Just please, don’t tell Momota-kun about it. I don’t want to be killed a second time.”

Kokichi laughs and it’s a wholehearted laugh, not any of his mischievous giggles.

“Don’t worry about that, Amami-chan. I won’t let the hero defeat my right hand man. He’ll have to win against me first”, he smirks.

“If you say so, Boss.” Rantarou just shakes his head with a smile. They spend the rest of the day thinking of pranks and creating fake plans on how to take over the world.

In each and every one of them Kokichi includes Kaito as the hero who is supposed to catch them and stop their evil schemes.

**Oh, right. Once I leave this place, then what about Kaito?**

* * *

Kokichi isn’t exactly great at confronting his own feelings.

He was never the type to be able to admit stuff out loud, _or at least this fake persona of his that he has to live with now wasn’t,_ especially when it was about his thoughts and feelings. Even during the game, he’d rather play games with Saihara, deceive him and mess around than plainly admit just how important the detective was to him.

Kokichi is… scared of saying some things. Mainly because, if he says them out loud, they’re gonna feel real.

As long as they’re hidden deep inside him, he can pretend they’re not there.

But Rantarou’s words are still fresh in his head, ringing in his ears constantly whenever he’s alone with his thoughts. His classmates are getting better, they all are actually, even himself, and it’s only a matter of time before they all leave the hospital.

Once that happens, they’ll be thrown into a world they no longer know, surrounded by thirsty fans and vulture-like journalists, just waiting for them to slip up and say something unnecessary. They’ll lose that protective bubble the hospital is casting upon them now and they’ll be at the mercy of the team that was responsible for this mess to begin with.

Kokichi doesn’t know if he’s going to see his classmates ever again. Some of them he’s going to miss, having bonded with them during these past months; some of them not really.

Even if he doesn’t want to say goodbye, doesn’t want to go back to being all alone and by himself, even if that thought fills him with stronger anxiety than actually letting these people in and letting them know him better, it’s better to be prepared for the worst and say what he wants to say now, when he still has the chance.

 **Huh** he smiles to himself. **The Ouma Kokichi from during the Killing Game would snarl at me for thinking this way. For wanting to trust the others.**

He finds Saihara in the garden, sitting on a bench alongside Akamatsu. It takes him a moment to gather all the courage but when he does, he slowly walks to them.

Akamatsu notices him first and smiles brightly at him, forcing him to smile back.

“Good morning, Ouma-kun!” She says cheerfully. At the sound of Kokichi’s name, Saihara visibly flinches and only then looks at him. He seems unsure and as if he wanted to run away.

Kokichi tightens the grips he has on his cane but smiles anyway. He can feel his heart coming up to his throat.

“Morning, Akamatsu-chan!” He exclaims. “And Saihara-chan.”

“A-ah”, the detective flinches again and his hand shoots to his hair; and for a moment Kokichi can almost _see_ that ugly hat again but the hat isn’t there and Saihara’s hand stops in the middle to then awkwardly get back to the detective’s knees. “Morning, Ouma-kun.”

Kokichi feels himself getting angry and frustrated. Why is Saihara acting like he’s scared of him now, after _ignoring him_ and _sending him cold looks_ for this whole time? Why’s he acting sheepish _now of all times_?

“You haven’t seen Kai-chan around, right~?”, he asks and his voice is sickeningly sweet that if he wasn’t extremely annoyed at the detective, he’d probably cringe from all that fake sugariness.

If it does make Akamatsu cringe, she’s doing a good job hiding it. Saihara, on the other hand, is getting more and more flustered and it’s clear as day.

Especially to such an expert liar like Kokichi.

“No, we actually haven’t seen Momota-kun today yet, he wasn’t in the cafeteria when we were eating breakfast. Isn’t that right, Saihara-kun?”, she looks at the detective who’s trying his best to look everywhere _but_ at Kokichi.

Saihara only nods shortly, as if a cat got his tongue and he’s unable to speak now.

“Ah, perfect~” Kokichi muses. “I was actually hoping to talk to Saihara-chan in private and I can’t exactly do it with Kai-chan around, he worries too much”, he rolls his eyes but his voice is still cheerful, still playful. It’s the first time since he woke up when his masks are acting the way they should. “Of course, if Akamatsu-chan doesn’t mind.”

“M-me?” Saihara seems terrified by the concept. “Why would you-“

“I don’t mind.” Akamatsu interrupts him mid-sentence. “I was about to go meet Yumeno-san and Chabashira-san anyway”, she says and for a moment her eyes lock with Kokichi’s. She must’ve been searching for something because as soon as she finds it, she smiles brightly and turns to the dumbfounded detective. “We can hang out later, Saihara-kun. I’ll probably be in the common room if you need me”, she adds and gets up.”

“Ah.. Okay, Akamatsu-san”, he says and takes a deep breath.

Akamatsu says her goodbyes to both of them and walks away. For a moment, Kokichi just follows her with his eyes but then he turns to Saihara who’s _finally looking at him, all nervous and ready to run away._

“Pfft. Stop acting like a hunted animal, Saihara-chan, I’m not gonna bite you or kill you~”, he snorts while shaking his head.

Saihara visibly reacts to the ‘kill’ word, shuddering and grimacing and for a moment Kokichi feels bad but that moment is short-lived and he goes back to being annoyed again. He moves closer to the bench.

“Ah! I thought you wanted to go somewhere else maybe.” Saihara mutters and it takes a lot for Kokichi to not laugh at him bitterly. **Does he not want to be seen with me that badly?**

“Unless you plan on carrying me there, no, I don’t. I’m tired”, he says with a grimace and sits next to Saihara. The detective is stiff and looking around, instead of at Kokichi. “What’re you searching for, huh?”

“What?”

“You’ve been looking around for quite some time now. Are you that afraid someone’s gonna see you talking to me?” he grins but it’s a lie. “Oh my, Saihara-chan, I didn’t know you hate me _that much_. I’m actually hurt.” He is, Saihara’s behavior is hurting him a lot, but he says it as if it’s another lie.

Better that way anyway.

“What? No, Ouma-kun, I don’t-” he starts but then he sighs. “You’re half right. I don’t want Harukawa-san to see us talking so I’m checking to see if she’s nearby”, he says and Kokichi knows it’s true.

Saihara’s calm and quiet voice makes Kokichi remember just how much in love with the detective he was. It’s refreshing to be able to hear it again.

“But you’re also half wrong. I don’t hate you, Ouma-kun”, he shakes his head. “I know I was acting these past few months like I do but it’s not true.”

“Then why? Why were you acting like that?” Kokichi asks and he hates himself for sounding so genuine and _hurt_. 

He shouldn’t be like that. Kaito is a bad influence for him.

Saihara closes his eyes for a moment and looks at the trees in front of them. The silence that falls upon them is uncomfortable for the supreme leader but he keeps his mouth shut, waiting for the other boy to respond.

“I guess I was frustrated?” Saihara starts and it’s unsure; it’s as if for a moment he’s back to being that shy boy hidden behind his hat. But then his voice gets stronger, more confident with each word. “I was obviously very angry, at least at first. I mean, the whole thing with Iruma-san and Gonta-kun”, he sighs.

Kokichi doesn’t say anything, Saihara’s words echoing in his mind.

_//You’re alone, Ouma-kun. And you always will be//_

“I.. thought, I don’t know, that you’re different when you’re with me? That your lies are only pranks and jokes, nothing serious. So when you started going around, calling yourself the mastermind and I didn’t know if you were lying again or if you’ve been deceiving me from the start, I was furious”, the detective says while shaking his head.

Kokichi feels his throat getting dry. It’s these words he yearned so much for.

_But they’re actually not, that’s a lie. They might have been once, but not anymore._

“And then you died. I had no idea it was you at first. Even when all the evidence proved that it’s Momota-kun who’s alive and not you.. despite knowing the truth, I was still waiting for you to jump out of the Exisal and laugh at us because we believed in all your lies”, he smiles sadly. “Only seeing Momota-kun, alive and in front of us, made me realize that you’re gone.” Saihara covers half of his face with his hands. “That you’re the one who died under that press. That we, _I_ won’t see you anymore.”

Kokichi opens his mouth to say something but no sound escapes his dry throat.

“And I should’ve been happy because my friend was alive for just a moment longer. Of course, it was bittersweet because he was about to get executed for killing you” Saihara turns to Kokichi and his golden eyes swallow the supreme leader whole “but I felt empty. I couldn’t even say goodbye to you. The biggest mystery that I so desperately wanted to solve.”

Kokichi’s heart hurts and he has to actively stop himself from either interrupting Saihara or crying, he isn’t sure which. Maybe both.

Saihara’s words hurt just like his eyes did back then. Just like those words hunting him had back in the Game.

“Learning about your plans.. Realizing that you did all of that because you hated the game more than all of us..” Saihara is still talking, because _of course he is_ , and he’s starting to look relieved, as if he’s letting go of a giant weight that had been suffocating him up until now.

That weight is crushing Kokichi instead.

“That was tough. And when I understood how royally I’d screwed up and if I hadn’t, maybe you’d have trusted me..” Saihara laughs but it’s a sad laugh. “Yeah. I was a mess. Or would’ve been a mess if I had time to think about it. The whole thing with Shirogane-san was unfortunately too consuming.”

“But you won, huh?” Kokichi mutters just to say anything, overwhelmed by Saihara’s words; desperate to regain control. But his voice is too weak and Saihara doesn’t take his attempt for what it is. Instead, he continues his monologue.

“We did. It was surreal, to wake up here and realize that it was all a game. A lie”, he says and laughs to himself, as if it was funny. **_It wasn’t_**. “It was even more strange to see all the ones who have died. But I cannot lie, I was happy to see Akamatsu-san, Momota-kun and the others again”, he smiles. 

His smile doesn’t last long and turns quickly into a frown. Kokichi flinches at that. Saihara looks at him again.

Kokichi wishes he didn’t.

“But you weren’t there. Momota-kun told me that you still haven’t woken up and that usually victims take longer to wake up than the killers. Which was true, Iruma-san actually woke up a day or two after we did, so at first it wasn’t unusual”, he sighs. “But some time passed and you were still asleep. We could hear the nurses whisper among themselves that there were some complications with your ‘case’. And that because they couldn’t log you off in time, you could’ve suffered some damage but they’re not really sure”, he grimaces.

**Ah. Kaito was talking about it, wasn’t he?**

“And what was the worst thing for me, Momota-kun was so worried about you. He’d check up on you every day, he’d spend so much time in your room. And every time me or Harukawa-san would say something about it, try to tell him he doesn’t need to do that, that he doesn’t need to feel guilty because it wasn’t his fault, he’d just shake his head and tell us that it’s alright because he wanted to do that”, he grimaces again saying that, the frustration in his voice growing.

**Were Saihara-chan and Harukawa-chan the ones outside of my room that day I woke up? That would make sense**

“The truth is, I wanted to be the one checking up on you”, he laughs quietly. “But I couldn’t say that to Momota-kun. I just waited and watched him taking care of you, while getting more and more frustrated. I was saying to myself that it'll all end once you wake up. That he’ll stop feeling guilty and will go back to, I don’t know, hating you. But it didn’t. Momota-kun was fussing over you even more once you came back to us and I couldn’t stand it.” His laugh is bitter now and he closes his eyes.

Kokichi bites his lip, feeling a slight metallic taste on his tongue.

“I was so jealous, I couldn’t look at you two. That’s why I didn’t even think about stopping Harukawa-san when she lashed out on you like that in the common room. Even if I didn’t think half of what she said was true. I don’t know what I was thinking, honestly. Maybe I wanted someone to feel like I did?”

Kokichi hears that and it’s as he wakes up from a trance. _Saihara didn’t believe in Harukawa’s words, yet he did nothing to stop her. He actively watched as Kokichi went into a panic attack and did nothing._

**He wanted me to suffer. He watched me break and did jack shit**

“So what you’re saying is.. you watched me break and didn’t do a thing to stop your friend”, he hums and it’s childish, he knows it is, but he packs every bit of sugar and venom into his words. He’s growing mad. And his anger finally lets him break out of the trance Saihara’s word had put him into.

“I..” Saihara starts but now that Kokichi has said something, he also is back to his usual, slightly nervous self. “I guess that is true. I did nothing. And I felt so guilty when Momota-kun showed up and immediately went to help you. I actually wanted to help you myself but-”

“Did you know, Saihara-chan, that it wasn’t Harukawa-chan’s words that broke me?” He says cheerfully and the control of the conversation visibly shifts to him. Saihara looks at him, uncertain, the golden eyes seemingly flustered.

“It wasn’t her words? Huh?” He repeats in his confusion. Kokichi’s grin grows bigger.

“No, Saihara-chan. In fact, I wouldn’t care less about her words in any other situation. After all, it’s not the first time she was accusing me of something”, he almost sings that, a twisted mask of satisfaction painted over his face. 

In reality, he feels cold and hollow inside. In reality, all he wants to do is to curl in some random corner and cry.

_He’s been wrong. So wrong. Horribly wrong. He should’ve never let the detective so close to his heart._

“Wha-.. What are you talking about, Ouma-kun? I don’t understand.” Saihara clears his throat and, getting visibly restless, he practically leaps from the bench when he stands up. “Please clarify your words. Or are you lying again?”

“My, Saihara- _chan_ , are you getting nervous?” Kokichi smiles and he stops caring that his words are dripping with venom. “You know what I’m implying, hmm? You damn well know, huh?”

**_it’s your fault it’s your fault it’s your fault it’s your fault it’s your fault it’s your fault it’s your fault_ **

He’s harsh. He’s actually cruel with his words and deep inside, he knows Saihara doesn’t exactly deserve them, not in that capacity, but he feels so betrayed, so _disgusted and mad_ , although mostly at himself. 

Saihara has abandoned him because he was jealous. The detective has betrayed Kokichi’s trust, the one thing the supreme leader is always so hesitant to give away, because he was _jealous_ of Kaito caring for Kokichi. 

He wasn’t worthy of it. He wasn’t. Kokichi was so stupid to actually believe that he was.

“O-ouma-kun?” Saihara’s voice comes back to him and for a moment it’s muffled, as if Kokichi’s hearing it through a barrier of some sort. 

The supreme leader looks up, realizing he has his fists in his hair again, and finds Saihara looking at him as if he just died or something. The detective is scared, worried, all of that is showing in his eyes. 

Kokichi only gets more angry.

_Why wasn’t he like that before? Why didn’t he care about ~~him~~ **me** BEFORE?_

_-That’s a good question. Why? Did you even give him a chance to care?-_

**_doesn’t matter doesn’t matter just shut the fuck up SHUT THE FUCK UP_ **

“Hey, Saihara-chan”, he says and his voice is void of any emotion, just like his face. He can feel it. “I like you.”

These words don’t mean anything anymore. Not if he says them to the detective.

“H-huh?” Saihara is shocked, to say the least. For a split moment these eyes, those _golden eyes_ fill with hope and Kokichi hates it, he _loathes it, he wants to crush it and never see it again._

“Nishishi~ but that’s a lie! A big fat lie!” He screams and he’s laughing. It doesn’t matter that his voice is breaking, he doesn’t care at this point.

Seeing those golden eyes filled with shock and pain is better than listening to his own sense of guilt whispering to him that he should stop.

_At least for now._

_-You’re a monster-_

**I don’t care**

“The funny thing is, Saihara-chan, at one point I did” he can’t stop laughing and giggling and he doesn’t know if it’s fake or true, _why does it matter anyway?_ “but I don’t anymore. I thought you’re trustworthy and I can try with you but I was wrong, y’know?”

He stands up from the bench and looks at the dumbfounded detective, still keeping the mask of sick satisfaction but he doesn’t feel anything except anger and despair.

And the betrayal.

He kinda wants Saihara to feel his despair too.

“It’s so funny, Saihara-chan, I can’t believe you’re not laughing with me. You see, I _wanted_ to trust you, I really did, that’s why I took on the role of the mastermind! That’s why I let both of your friends kill me, **_trusting_** you will be able to do the right thing. And when I needed you the most, when I had nothing and only needed your support, you watched me _break_.”

At this point, he’s hysterical. Half of what he’s saying is bullshit, he didn’t do it for Saihara, he did it to survive to the point he’d have been able to stop the killings but it’s not like he has to make sense. Or maybe there’s a grain of truth in his lies, maybe he did it for Saihara after all?

It’s not like it matters after all. He failed, his beloved has betrayed him and stamped over his trust.

_-No, it’s not true. Kaito didn’t do that. He actually took care of you-_

**Huh? Since when are we talking about Kaito?**

“And the funniest thing, **_Saihara Shuuichi-kun_** , is that the one to actually put his trust in me, was your best friend. I don’t care if back then he did it to save the assassin whore, or to play the hero until the end, he trusted in _my_ plan and executed it exactly the way I wanted him to” he sneers, trying to hurt Saihara the same way Saihara has hurt him.

The detective is clenching his fists, standing there and just taking it.

It should rile Kokichi up even more but instead, he gets tired. Saihara is denying him that satisfaction, not arguing back, not breaking, just standing still and allowing Kokichi to tire himself out.

“I’m so glad I talked to you today, y’know?” he grimaces, not screaming anymore. Instead, he’s gripping tightly onto his cane, tired, out of breath, _hurting_ , but it’s almost as if he can see clearer now. “I can finally stop lying to myself. Kai-chan will be proud”, he snorts.

That seems to wake Saihara up as he flinches.

“Tell me one thing, Ouma-kun”, he starts but he doesn’t dare look at Kokichi anymore. “What did Momota-kun do that I didn’t?”

The answer comes to him quickly, he doesn’t even need to think about it. He looks at Saihara one last time.

“He helped me when I needed him, and not just stared. Although” he smiles one more time and it’s bitter “if not for the look I saw in your eyes, I wouldn’t even need the help.”

He doesn’t wait for Saihara’s response. Instead, he just slowly walks away, exhausted but feeling lighter than before.

* * *

He finds Kaito in the common room, talking to Toujo and Hoshi. He has to look extremely miserable because when he shows up at the entrance, both Toujo and Kaito immediately look at him and stand up. Hoshi just furrows his brows.

“Is everything alright, Ouma-kun?” Toujo asks while at the same time Kaito walks up to him. “What happened, Kichi?”

Kokichi hesitates for a moment, just looking at Kaito. He sees worry in the magenta eyes he came to know so well. He hears care in the astronaut’s voice. He senses no lie in both. He subconsciously relaxes and when realization hits, it envelops him in a wave of strange warmth.

**Ah. I am in love with him**

That’s why he was able to confront Saihara. That’s why, despite feeling angry and betrayed, he wasn’t really heartbroken anymore. Because Kaito stole the place in his heart that had been previously occupied by the detective.

“I”, he starts but is unsure what he wants to say. He can only look into those magenta eyes and feel himself getting dizzy.

Kaito takes a deep breath and smiles at him. He turns his head to Toujo and Hoshi.

“We’ll talk later about that, ok, guys? I gotta take him back to his room”, he says.

“Very well, Momota-kun.” Toujo sighs. Hoshi puts a lollipop back in his mouth.

“Sure, we’ll talk later”, he muses.

Kaito slowly guides Kokichi out of the room but when Kokichi trips over nothing, visibly exhausted, Kaito sighs and then crouches in front of the supreme leader.

”Leave the cane at my feet and come on, I’m gonna carry you to your room.”

Kokichi, too tired to argue, does exactly what Kaito asked him to do. Once he’s safely hanging on Kaito’s neck, the astronaut swipes off the cane to put it between his side and his arm and then reaches behind him to grab Kokichi by his legs to secure him in place even more.

When he’s ready, he slowly stands up and starts walking. Kokichi can hear Kaito’s heart beating just like his own is and that calms him down. He buries his face in Kaito’s hair which, _thank fucking god_ , has no gel in it today. It even smells like strawberries.

Kaito is silent during their trip back to Kokichi’s room. Kokichi even prefers it that way, afraid of the things he’d say in such confused, vulnerable state he’s in. But he also knows the astronaut probably has some questions and Kokichi will have to answer them once they’re in the safety of his room.

His consciousness has to drift away at some point because before he knows it, he’s already sitting on his bed and Kaito is removing his shoes.

“Did you have fun today?” Kaito asks and it’s kind of forced, like he’s trying not to ask the obvious questions.

For a moment Kokichi doesn’t know what he’s talking about, since he didn’t tell the astronaut what his plans for today were. But then one important detail comes to his mind, emerges through the fog of exhaustion.

 **Ah, right** he muses to himself **didn’t Akamatsu-chan say she’d be in the common room? Did she say something to Kaito?**

“You can just ask if you’re curious, y’know” he mutters, too tired of pretending he doesn’t know what this is about. “Not guaranteeing I’m gonna tell the truth, of course. But you can still ask.”

“I..” Kaito visibly hesitates. Not looking at Kokichi, he puts his shoes away. “Akamatsu said you and Shuuichi talked?”

Kokichi winces. It’s difficult seeing Kaito so nervous and hesitant.

“Did she? My, Akamatsu-chan has a really big mouth”, he sighs and it’s exaggerated. “Yes, we did talk. I had some matters I needed to discuss with him so we talked.”

That seems to make Kaito flinch, which in turn makes Kokichi feel horrible. He shouldn’t have said it, he should’ve lied, _he should’ve joked and said something that would’ve made Kaito feel better, he should’ve.._

“Ah, I see..” Kaito starts and then he clears his throat. “How’d it go?” He asks but it’s clear he doesn’t want to know, not really.

“Saihara-chan threatened to kill me if I don’t marry him tonight at midnight under the cherry tree.”

“W-what?!”

“It’s a lie, Kai-chan.” Kokichi manages to smile. “You don’t need to be so nervous. We just talked, is all.” He shrugs.

Kaito sits next to him and scratches the back of his neck, visibly embarrassed. He shoots the supreme leader an unsure look. “Am I really that obvious?”

“Well, to me you’re like an open book”, he says. “But I’m a liar so I don’t think it counts.” 

Kaito smiles and takes a brush from Kokichi’s night stand. He gently starts brushing and untangling the supreme leader’s hair. Kokichi closes his eyes, feeling his muscles relax and his heart ache.

“Your hair looks like you spent the last few days in the bushes.” Kaito mutters while working on one of the strands. “You need to take better care of it. It’d look pretty if it wasn’t that damaged.”

“I’ll leave the bushes to Gonta, thank you very much”, he smiles. “What for? Don’t you think I’d look better with a shaved head~?”

“Pfft, what?” Kaito snorts. “Nah, you’d look even more like a gremlin. Don’t do that, please.”

“Only because my beloved Kai-chan asked me so nicely~”, he hums. Kaito snorts quietly at that.

For a moment they stop talking. The room is only filled with the sounds of them breathing, the brush going through the hair strands and Kaito apologizing quietly whenever he pulls too hard on Kokichi’s hair. 

Kokichi can feel himself getting drowsy. 

“Are you really okay?” Kaito finally asks and it’s quiet, it’s gentle, _it’s caring._ It brings Kokichi back to reality.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, I’m just _dandy_ , Kai-chan~”, he smiles and it’s actually not so far from the truth. 

Well, it’s not if they’re talking about now. It is, if they’re talking about before.

Kaito takes a deep breath and stops for a moment. He turns Kokichi to face him.

“I’m serious, ya know? You looked so.. tired when you came to the common room. Did something bad happen with Shuuichi?” He asks and Kokichi even opens his mouth to respond, but…

_..but thinking how the last person he loved betrayed his trust, he’s unable to.._

..so instead he just smiles and shakes his head. That makes Kaito sigh, an angry scowl forming on his face.

“Could you.. damn it” he mutters to himself, covering his face with one hand. “I’m not exactly the best at reading you. But now I can for damn sure tell that something happened and you don’t want to tell me. Why?” He seems as if he wanted to say something else too but he bit his tongue at the last second.

Kokichi gets defensive. He doesn’t like Kaito prodding.

“There’s no rule stating that I need to tell you everything, is there?” He ends his reply with a short bite, to show Kaito that this topic and his probing is _not welcome_.

“Well, there isn’t but I thought”, he hesitates “I mean, with your feelings for Shuuichi, I figured that-”

“Wait, what.” Kokichi is feeling the air involuntarily leaving his lungs.

**_What._ **

“Huh?” That visibly throws Kaito off and he looks a bit confused. “What do you mean ‘what’?”

Kokichi gets the strange urge to rip his throat off, just because Kaito has _the audacity to look confused when he’s spewing fucking bullshit._

_Ah, the good ole feeling he would always get during the Killing Game whenever he was looking at or listening to Kaito._

**_he’s being ridiculous, can’t he see that? why am i the only one noticing this?_ **

“What do _you_ mean ‘my feelings for Saihara-chan’? I don’t remember _ever_ telling you anything about whether I do or don’t tolerate the-”

“You didn’t have to though.” Kaito says and Kokichi sees how difficult this topic is for him.

He cannot help but feel dumbfounded anyway by the astronaut’s words. He didn’t have to tell him?

Huh?

**_Huh?_ **

_“Huh?”_ The last one he’s pretty sure he says out loud. He doesn’t say anything else though and that gives Kaito a sign that he can speak.

**_you better fucking speak and explain yourself_ **

“I mean.. at first yeah, I didn’t notice it, mostly because I wasn’t interested.” Kaito starts and he closes his eyes and Kokichi sees him struggling but he’s confused, _he doesn’t understand a thing, he needs Kaito to explain_ so he can’t exactly bring himself to care _._ “But it wasn’t exactly hard to see how, during the game, you were constantly all over Shuuichi, messing up with him and shit. But he didn’t seem to mind so I just mostly left it alone”, he shrugs and then smiles to himself.

It’s a sad smile. And when Kaito reaches to grab Kokichi’s hand, the supreme leader lets him. He even squeezes it a little bit, out of reflex, and earns a slightly less sad smile from the astronaut.

He considers it a win in his book.

“And after you woke up, it only took watching you to see how sad you are whenever you notice Shuuichi around. How you’re looking at him”, he takes a deep breath. “Akamatsu too, pointed out a few things for me. So.. I connected the dots and.. well. Now I know it wasn’t just messing with him, but you genuinely wanted his attention.” He suddenly laughs. “Can’t blame ya. Feelings are fickle and even I, The Luminary of the Stars, can’t quite get them.”

“I.. see.” Kokichi says and he’s still confused, but less so, if only a little bit. “Well.. to award my beloved Kai-chan for his honesty, I will tell him a secret that even he doesn’t know yet”, he smiles.

“Oh, yeah?” Kaito mutters, his face getting red. “What is it?”

“I had feelings for Saihara-chan once”, he muses and falls into Kaito’s arms. The astronaut automatically hugs him, their faces close. “But not anymore.”

“No? But I thought-” Kaito furrows his brows. The little creases on his forehead are so adorable it makes Kokichi giggle.

“No”, he purrs, his voice low. “And that’s what I told him. You should’ve seen his face, it was..” he giggles again but then he stops “it hurt. But it doesn’t now. Kai-chan can be proud of me now, I didn’t lie for once~.” He grins.

But Kaito is looking into his eyes and smiling softly. He looks as if he was in a different place and wasn’t really listening to Kokichi’s talking. But Kokichi doesn’t mind.

Something in Kaito’s expression makes his heart race faster.

“Hey, Kichi.” Kaito finally says, his eyes leaving Kokichi’s own and staring at something else, something on his face but below the eyes. His voice is low and raspy and the supreme leader’s breath hitches. For a moment his whole attention is focused on Kaito while the astronaut visibly fights with himself over something.

Finally, as if he said to himself ‘fuck it’, he speaks again. It’s a quiet question, almost a whisper and it makes Kokichi dizzy, both with the sound and the meaning.

“Can I kiss you?”

Kokichi subconsciously wets his lips with his tongue. He can only nod before something soft touches his lips and he closes his eyes, startled by the sensation.

Kissing Kaito feels warm, safe, it feels _right._ Kokichi isn’t sure if Kaito is doing it out of pity or in the spur of a moment and frankly, he doesn’t care. His heart is beating like crazy, he can feel the familiar embrace of the astronaut’s arms around him and the smell of strawberries, flowers and _Kaito_ surrounding him.

It makes Kokichi want to pull the astronaut closer and he does that, he does exactly that and that makes Kaito gasp with a surprise but a moment later they’re kissing again and Kokichi can’t get enough.

He’s like a starving man who finally has the chance to eat for the first time in forever.

And even when they need to pull back for air, they’re still holding each other close. Kaito is slowly planting kisses on Kokichi’s hair, scalp, eyes, nose, while murmuring something gentle but Kokichi isn’t even listening to him, too occupied with counting each and every one of Kaito’s heartbeats.

He’s lost. He’s so lost he won’t be able to get himself out of this one. And yet strangely enough, he doesn’t feel lost at all, here, in Kaito’s embrace.

_Quite the contrary._

* * *

Being in love is like walking on clouds. 

Well, figuratively. And it also depends on the situation.

Being in love, when the other person accepts you and cares for you and seems to _maybe_ reciprocate your feelings **_even_** _**if it’s probably only your wishful thinking, because who in their right mind would be able to love you, you pathetic excuse for a human** , _is like walking on clouds.

Clouds that have thorns under them and you have to be really watching your step as to not hurt yourself.

In Kokichi’s situation, the clouds are his head and the thorns are his thoughts.

While he’s definitely feeling like floating and seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses for most of the time, drunk on Kaito’s attention and high from being head over heels for the astronaut, his issues, complexes and fears often ruin all of that.

It actually really looks as if Kaito was his drug. When he’s near, Kokichi feels like he’s soaring through the sky, searching for new planets and stars. But all the stars are bland and meaningless when compared to the idiot he’s so in love with. 

And when Kaito is not around, all the old fears, issues, frights and intrusive thoughts are back, prodding at him, pushing him further and further into self-deprecation. Kokichi spends most of that time inside his own head, often losing touch with reality. 

He’s scared. He’s scared that if he bares his soul again, wears it on his sleeve, it’s gonna be the same as it was with Saihara.

But he’s already tore down most of his walls for Kaito and he knows he’s unable to put them back up, not anymore. So he can only be scared of what’s about to come; of what’s going to completely destroy his heart for one final time and shatter his hope to ten thousand pieces.

Because it’s not a matter of _if_. No. It is a matter of _when_.

There is no way after all, for someone shining so brightly like Kaito to have real feelings for someone like Kokichi. It’s probably mostly pity.

But damn him if he wasn’t so grateful for that pity anyway. Geez, what happened to him, he became so pathetic.

_Ouma Kokichi has been found guilty. Time for his punishment._

Kokichi smirks to himself as he sits on a bench in the garden’s small gazebo. He sees Harukawa Maki in the distance, slowly making her way towards him.

His execution in the Killing Game would have been called ‘The assassination of a dictator’, it seems. Or better yet.

_‘The murder of Caesar.’_

Kokichi’s smirk grows even bigger.

“Good morning, Harukawa-chan~”, he calls out cheerfully and as it’s a weird mix of genuine and exaggerated, it visibly takes the killer girl aback. 

Kokichi _is_ happy to see the assassin, though. She’s next on his list of people to confront, as she’s easier to deal with than Miu or Gonta. After all, his gut doesn’t twist in guilt every time he sees her and that’s a big plus in his book; although Kokichi would prefer to talk to her on his own terms.

She’s still the one he considers as his true murderer, after she shot him with the poison arrow that ultimately destroyed most of his plans.

Well, whatever. It’s not like he can have everything, right?

_-Kaito, for example-_

**Oh, fucking shut up**

“You’re weirdly happy, for some goddamn reason”, she huffs but takes a step forward and stands in front of him. “What are you plotting again, asshole?”

Kokichi can’t stop grinning. He knows it’s bad, he was doing it the last time too; he’s aware it can only lead to Harukawa getting more angry and thus more aggressive. But it’s a defense mechanism of some sorts, an instinct to not let her show he’s nervous; to not let her notice he views her as a threat.

Even if she’s not a mental danger to him, as her words hold no value to him, she can still hurt him physically. And as he was already on the losing position during the Killing Game, now, being even more defenseless, he has to be even more careful.

He’s not so eager to die twice because of her.

Harukawa winces when she sees him smiling widely. He only shrugs his arms while rolling his eyes in fake annoyance.

“Geez, I dunno, _Harumaki-chan_ , do i always need to be plotting something? Can’t I just, for example, enjoy the day?” he tsks and shakes his head in disapproval, watching her tense. _Oh, she’s so easy to rile up, it’s almost comical._ “I know that your tiny killer brain can’t comprehend that but come on, I’m only a sad, scarred teenager, sitting in a small gazebo. I can’t even move around without a cane, let alone plot things~” he ends with a twisted smile.

“Shut up”, she seethes but doesn’t move from the place she’s standing. “And don’t you _dare_ call me Harumaki.”

Kokichi can notice she’s curled her hands into fists and while she still tries to kill him with her murderous gaze, _and_ _although he’s already experienced death, it makes him slightly tremble, he’s alone, he’s alone and she can kill him again, and this time no one will shield him_ , she’s not moving even an inch.

“Aren’t we all sad and scarred teenagers though?” Kokichi continues his thought, **_just don’t let her know you’re scared_** , completely disregarding Harukawa’s words. “Oh my, Harukawa-chan, are you getting angry? I bet you’d love to come closer and try to strangle me one more time, hm?” He grins again. “Ah, but it appears that you can’t. Was it Saihara-chan who told you to leave me alone?” He asks but the assassin doesn’t respond. “Or, perhaps, _Kai-chan?_ ”

“Don’t call him that, you piece of shit!” She yells and takes another step in his direction.

**_fuck, she’s too close_ **

Kokichi giggles, trying not to sound nervous, his hand finding his cane and gripping it tightly. He knows he won’t be able to run if the worst happens but he can at least try to hit her somehow.

“Did I hit the jackpot? After all, there’s no way you can ignore _his_ words, right? If _he’s_ the one who told you to leave me alone, there’s nothing you can do, right~?” Kokichi chirps, a sinister smile growing on his face _but it’s a lie, it’s all a lie, she’s too fucking close to his liking, he can’t breathe properly_.

**Back off. Back the fuck off you psychotic bitch**

Harukawa starts to tremble, obviously doing everything she can to _not_ throw herself at him.

**Huh?**

Kokichi had no idea she was such an obedient dog.

“What’s wrong, Harumaki-chan, cat got your tongue? You can’t say anything clever to me, or insult me and threaten me even more so that I’ll get scared of you and stop talking? You can’t even scare me into submission, huh?” His smile fades, as it’s becoming boring pretty quickly.

 _She’s not even going to try to kill him?_ All of his nerves dissipate, the adrenaline quickly leaving his veins. Even the giddiness that was there for a moment, disappears as fast as it appeared before.

While it is certainly amusing, _or at least was_ , seeing the killer girl struggle so much, it leaves a sour taste in his mouth. He doesn’t like the fact she’s like that because of Kaito.

It’s as if she has any right to be this way because of him.

**_she doesn’t_ **

_It pisses him off._

“You’re boring”, he sighs. “I have no idea when he managed to tame you so quickly and effectively but it _bores me to death_ ”, he scoffs. “Say what you want to say and get out of my face, murder girl. I don’t want to waste my time on you.”

He no longer sees the appeal in confronting a dog that’s kept on a tight leash and can only bark.

“Aren’t you pretty dependent on Momota too?” Harukawa glares at him while her words pique his interest. “What’re you going to do once he gets tired of your stupid shit and leaves you?”

“Oh~? Assassin-chan just said something _not entirely_ boring, huh? What a plot twist!” He laughs. “You think we’re in any way similar and I’m gonna end up like _you_? Nonsense”, he shakes his head.

“You’re pretty stupid if you think you two are still gonna be together once we leave this place”, she winces. “Momota will finally stop blaming himself for what happened and he won’t feel the need to fuss over you anymore. But I guess a lying bastard like you is too scared of the truth to see that.”

“Moi? Stupid? Non, non, I think the only stupid one here is Harukawa-chan”, he says that with a smile but he gets more and more annoyed while listening to her. “Aren’t you secretly hoping that is what’s going to happen, huh? You _want_ him to get tired of me so that you’ll be able to win his attention back. Aren’t you extremely lonely, Harukawa-chan? I almost pity you.”

Harukawa growls.

“Almost”, he laughs again. “After all, it’s entirely your fault all of that even happened. If you didn’t try to kill me, Kai-chan wouldn’t get roped up in my plan!” He probably still would but that’s not something he wants to say to the killer girl. “And he wouldn’t feel responsible enough to want to take care of me. Oh!” He grins once more. “You’re like our personal matchmaker! Thank you so much, Harukawa-chan, you’re a true angel” **_..of death_**

“A piece of trash like you is not able to keep people around, Momota will see that for himself pretty soon. Saihara too”, she shoots him one last murder glare. This time it does _nothing to him_. “I’m done, talking to you is like talking to a broken record.”

“I enjoyed our little conversation too, Harukawa-chan!” He singsongs while swinging his legs.

The assassin doesn’t respond to that. She just simply leaves him alone and when she leaves his field of view, Kokichi takes a deep breath. And then exhales too.

His palms are almost white, as they were gripping the handle of the cane and the bench this whole time. He relaxes his muscles and then shudders. It went… better than he had anticipated.

It was actually pretty boring, what a shame. But~…

…he can officially cross Harukawa out of his list. Phew.

Although a big part of him is annoyed at the fact the girl is getting better and better at pushing all of his buttons, saying out loud the things he’s been thinking to himself. She probably spent way too much with Saihara, yes, that’s exactly what must’ve happened.

Oh well, it’s not like he’s gonna see her ever again once he gets out of this place.

Kokichi gets up once he feels his legs are stable enough to hold his body. He’s still slightly trembling and has difficulties maintaining his balance but he stubbornly walks anyway. He’s tired of being immobile and dependent on others, wanting nothing more but to just go back to his previous abilities.

While cursing his body for all of its weaknesses under his breath, Kokichi can’t stop but mull over Harukawa’s words.

He _is_ aware of the fact he will have to face reality very soon, probably right after they all leave the hospital. And the reality that is in store for him means no more Kaito around.

There is no way the astronaut won’t have enough of Kokichi’s antics once they’re out. He’ll soon understand that all he wants is to get rid of the supreme leader.

He shudders yet again. The killer girl wasn’t _entirely_ right, thankfully, although she doesn’t need to know that. She doesn’t even need to know she was somewhat right, no, Kokichi doesn’t want her to have any kind of satisfaction.

He won’t let Kaito get tired of him, no. He’ll bid him farewell first, before that even happens. That way he’ll be able to ensure he won’t get too hurt and they’ll keep nice memories.

That way Kaito won’t grow to hate him.

* * *

“There you are, Kokichi!”

Kokichi is sitting in the courtyard, eating the sandwich that Toujo brought to him along with the whole picnic set (she said she wanted them both to enjoy their time together during such a beautiful day, but Kokichi knows it was more than that, she’s hiding something. Too bad she _so suddenly_ had to go see her therapist), when Kaito approaches him, all smiles and sparkles.

He’s so shining, it’s almost blinding.

Kokichi wouldn’t mind being blind if that meant basking in his presence for longer.

He smiles when Kaito plops next to him on the blanket Kokichi is sitting on. “Were you looking for me, my beloved?”

“Yup, couldn’t find you anywhere. What’re you up to?” He asks and steals one of the strawberries out of Kokichi’s picnic basket. The supreme leader rolls his eyes at that but does nothing to stop him.

“Toujo-chan wanted to have a picnic with me so we came here”, he shrugs. “But then, _out of nowhere_ , she remembered she was supposed to meet her therapist so she ditched me”, he sniffs, pretending he’s about to cry. “Can you believe the audacity, Kai-chan? I wasn’t even the one who wanted to hang out!”

“W-well, yeah, that’s really awful of her.” Kaito laughs shortly and it’s a nervous laugh. He also looks at the grass and scratches his neck. _Weird._ “But hey, maybe it was really important?”

Kokichi hums and continues to eat his sandwich. “Maybe.”

For a longer moment neither of them say a word. Kokichi slowly eats his food while Kaito is looking at the sky. The supreme leader glances at him from time to time, secretly watching the way the wind is playing with Kaito’s hair, which is, once again, down and completely gel-less.

He’s so pretty that way, when he’s consumed by his own thoughts; it makes Kokichi’s heart skip a bit.

“I heard we’re getting released sometime next month.” Kaito says out of the blue.

It almost makes Kokichi choke on his sandwich but he manages to hide it with a cough. He feels his blood running cold, he almost shivers.

“Oh?” He tries his best not to let his voice waver. His head starts spinning, thoughts spiraling in every possible direction. He tightens the grip he has on the sandwich, his knuckles turning white. “It’s kind of.. sudden.”

Too sudden for his liking, he hasn’t even thought of a plan yet.

“Yeah, right? Shuuichi told me that today”, says Kaito, unaware of Kokichi’s rising panic. “He said he’s heard it from his doctor so I guess it has to be true”, he sighs. “Well, I suppose they gotta release us eventually so we shouldn’t be really surprised.”

“Right.. Still, it’s really been almost a year, huh?” Kokichi sighs, doing everything he can to _stay calm_.

He’s desperately clenching his fists, keeping them out of Kaito’s sight. He feels a slight jab of pain when his nails dig into the skin of his palms, cutting it. The pain is almost refreshing, allowing him to clear his mind at least a little.

That’s when he notices Kaito is looking at him, brows furrowed, magenta eyes serious; nervous but attentive.

“What is it, Kai-chan?” He asks, strangely breathless.

For a moment the astronaut says nothing, only looks at Kokichi _as if he can see right through him, right through his desperate masks and weak points and **please stop**_ but then he smiles and it’s nervous.

Probably as nervous as Kokichi feels.

Kokichi grits his teeth and closes his eyes, taking a deep breath.

**_in, out, in, out. it’s just like hitting the ‘reset’ button, remember?_ **

He smiles at Kaito as well.

“Hey, Kichi.” Kaito starts and while it still sounds hesitant, his smile is real. “What do you want to do once we get out of here?”

**What do I want to do?**

Kokichi hums and mulls over the question. Suddenly an image appears in front of his eyes. Ten faces, not covered by clown masks but instead smiling, looking at him and laughing, all happy and carefree. He feels a lump forming in his throat that’s difficult to swallow.

He shakes his head violently, trying once more to **_just hit the ‘reset’ button, for crying out loud, no point wailing over people who never even existed_**

_“Hey, Boss? What are we going to do tonight?”_

_“It’s very easy, ______-chan. We’re gonna try to take over the world!”_

**Why. Why can’t I even remember their names. WHY**

**W H Y**

“Kichi, is everything al-“

“Yes! Of course, my beloved, everything’s _a-okay_ ”, he smiles so widely it almost hurts but he needs to do it; needs to summon every last ounce of his energy to drive away the bad thoughts before he breaks yet again.

Funny. If he can recall properly, he never actually told Kaito about DICE.

So much for being honest.

“Are you sure? You don’t look okay to me.” Kaito winces, a worried look painted over his face.

Kokichi starts to feel bad but his own paranoia doesn’t let him keep his mouth shut.

“But of course I am, my dear.” Kokichi almost hisses through his gritted teeth but then he smiles again and it’s _alright. It’s. Alright_.

_-LIAR-_

His ~~inner~~ ~~second~~ - _‘whatever the fuck this is’_ voice- is extremely loud, ringing in his ears.

He ignores it completely, feeling his smile slightly twitch.

“And answering your question, I don’t know. I’m gonna travel all over the Earth to create an _entirely new_ evil organization, and then I’ll try to rule over the world!” He laughs.

_-YES, LIE, LIE AS MUCH AS YOU WANT, TRY TO BE SOMEONE YOU’RE NOT, THAT’S ALL YOU CAN DO TO HIDE YOUR FEAR AND SELF-HATRED-_

_-THAT’S ALL YOU’RE GOOD FOR. KAITO WILL SEE IT SOON-_

“Ah, but that’s a lie”, he smiles at Kaito and it’s a sad smile. “I’ll probably die in some dumpster in the first month spent outside or so.”

“Goddammit, Kokichi, don’t even fucking joke about that!” Kaito almost yells and Kokichi can see the distress on his face. He flinches instinctively, as it makes his gut twist in a bad way; makes his heart ache with guilt. “I’m not gonna let you fucking die in a dumpster, you idiot!”

“Why?” He asks although it’s not like it matters. “I already died once so it’s not like it’s a big deal”, he shrugs with a smile, the words coming out of his mouth vile, designed solely to push Kaito away, _for his own good_. “Besides, I’m not your responsibility, y’know?”

_-For HIS OWN GOOD or for YOUR SELFISHNESS, Kokichi?-_

The look that appears on Kaito’s face breaks Kokichi in two. He can’t tell if it’s the second voice yelling inside his head or his own heartbeat that’s buzzing in his ears.

“Is that what you think you are to me?” Kaito asks and he sounds so hurt, so sad, Kokichi winces as if Kaito shot him straight through his heart. “ _Just a responsibility?_ ”

“W-well, I started as one, didn’t I?” He hates the fact he stuttered but he can’t do anything about it. He can no longer look into Kaito’s eyes as well. “And if you’re tired, I totes get that, I’m a handful after all”, he laughs; it’s fake. “Even my parents thought that, they used to lock me up in our basement when I was pissing them off.”

“Kokichi..”

“Oops, I lied again. Dead people can’t lock you up”, he says cheerfully.

Something deep inside him is slowly dying from all that pretending.

Why is he doing that to the person he loves?

Ah, right.

_To push them away._

_-You’re the BIGGEST FUCKING IDIOT ON THIS PLANET, Kokichi. You SHOULD BE PROUD OF YOURSELF-_

“Stop, just fucking stop.” Kaito growls and shakes his head. “Why are you saying this? Are you doing it on purpose to fucking mess with me? We’re not in the killing game anymore so why?”

Kokichi pouts, slowly getting confused as to why it’s so difficult to rile Kaito up this time. It was easy before.

Maybe it’s because he’s distracted and can’t focus properly.

“What are you fucking scared of, Kokichi? Talk to me. Not this.. _bullshit_ you’re saying right now but real words. _Please_.”

“What if _these_ are real, huh? What if that’s the real me? The bullshitter, _the liar_ , the one who constantly mocks and talks garbage?” He cackles. It’s _disgusting, **he’s** disgusting. _“Have you grown blind, Kaito? We might’ve been different people before the Killing Game but that’s who we are now. That’s who I am. I didn’t change just because I died, duh”, he snorts with fake amusement in his voice while secretly glancing at the astronaut.

He can see Kaito is pissed. He can see the other boy is curling his hands into fists; he can almost notice the veins popping up on Kaito’s face.

**_just a little more. he’ll understand soon_ **

_-Why can’t you JUST STOP-_

**_SHUT UP! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY AND LEAVE ME ALONE_ **

_-…-_

“Honestly, I’m really surprised you managed to last _so_ long around me”, he shrugs once more, spreading his arms high. “I was on a _really_ good behavior, that’s true, but still. I thought you’d grow tired of my shit sooner. Well, you’ve defied all of my expectations, congrats!”

“Stop screwing around, for fuck’s sake!” Kaito growls and it’s a warning, Kokichi knows it is. “I won’t fucking grow tired of you so just fucking stop. It’s not funny, Kokichi.”

**_a-and that’s how the fish took the bait_ **

“Oh? But you will, Kaito”, he smiles, his voice dropping low. “You just don’t know it yet. But first, let me guess”, he clicks his tongue and makes a thinking gesture. “You roped Toujo-chan into helping you so we could end up having a picnic without me suspecting anything ~”, he muses and judging by Kaito’s wincing face, he figures out he hit the jackpot. “Hmm.. it had to be important if you went out your way to try to outlie a liar. And because you started with the, quote on quote, _random_ topic of us leaving the hospital..”

Kaito is looking more and more angry, his eyes almost looking betrayed. Kokichi’s smirk grows even bigger.

_He can see that Kaito hates this situation so much._

**_we both do_ **

“..you wanted to suggest us living together. Am I correct, my beloved?” He laughs while Kaito says nothing, his face grim. “I guess I am. Well, I’m glad I interrupted you before you made such a big mistake.”

“I have no fucking idea who or what got into your head but I _hate it_. So stop. Stop before you’re gonna say something you’ll regret.” Kaito seethes.

“Oh, silly and naive Kaito, nobody got into my head~!” He cackles. It’s the truth after all, he does enough damage to himself on his own, -second voice- or not. “That’s just the way things are. I’m saving you the trouble of having to put up with me for longer than you need and then going through the hassle of having to cut me from your life”, he starts to swing his body to the sides, like an energetic kid that was forced to sit down for a moment. “See, aren’t I merciful~?”

“I..” Kaito grits his teeth and closes his eyes. “There’s no fucking way I will grow tired of you, can’t you fucking understand?”

Kokichi sees Kaito is trying really hard to resist his anger and he’s proud of him. So proud. Kaito has already overcome so much in such a short time. He’s become such a shining star, a true beacon of hope.

He smiles sadly but it only lasts a second.

“You’ve repaid your debt, star boy”, he says and it’s a little less fake; a little more close to his actual thoughts. If only for a moment. “It’s been really fun, I’m grateful and stuff” he rolls his eyes “but that’s enough. You don’t have to pretend anymore.”

“Wha-“ Kaito opens his eyes, bewildered. Kokichi flashes him a toothy grin. “No. You’re making this shit up. I fucking refuse to accept these are your actual thoughts.” The astronaut shakes his head and takes a shallow breath, then smiles weakly at Kokichi.

**_huh?_ **

**_what?_ **

…Did he grow rustier than he previously thought?

“Why?” He just asks, dumbfounded. He can’t understand. Why isn’t Kaito swearing, making a storm, cursing at him and finally leaving him alone _just like he deserves to be_??

“It’s simple. It’s because I 100% believe in you, Kichi!” Kaito’s smile becomes bigger and brighter, it really almost blinds the supreme leader.

**w H A t**

“I do” he hears Kaito’s voice. He must’ve said it out loud then. “You’ve shown me your true self or” he laughs nervously “at least some parts of the true you. So I just refuse to accept that this bullshit you’re spewing is the truth!” He says and it’s so confident, so cheerful..

_…so fucking Kaito._

“You can’t be fucking serious, Kaito”, he’s almost _fuming._ “I thought we were over this already _ages ago_. It’s incredibly stupid to fully believe in someone, I proved that to you a million times!”

“I know”, he only says and then _has the fucking audacity to shrug._ “But it’s different now.”

“How can it be fucking different?” Kokichi is officially infuriated. Turns out Kaito is a lot better at getting on his nerves than the other way around. “Did the Killing Game teach you nothing? You know nothing about me and yet you’re saying you don’t doubt me even a little? That’s stupid. That’s so fucking stupid.”

“Maybe it is” Kaito smiles again “and maybe it’s true that I don’t know a lot about you. But I still want to believe in you so why does it matter?” He crooks his head a little. “I haven’t changed my mind about that one thing, ya know? I still think that if you’re gonna end up betraying me in the future, that’ll be my fault and not yours.”

“And you still want to waste your time on me, despite all that?” He asks.

He can’t. He honestly can’t with this guy.

“Hell yes I do!” Kaito beams.

“I can’t believe it”, he mutters while hiding his face in his palms. “You’re such a huge idiot.”

“H-hey, don’t call me an idiot!” Kaito winces.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re lying to me. Because that’s what belief without doubt truly is. A lie”, he mumbles again. He opens his palms a little to glance at Kaito. “I’m guessing nothing I’m gonna say will change your mind, huh?”, he sighs and when Kaito shakes his head, he visibly deflates, feeling defeated.

It pisses him off. How the fuck did he lose to Kaito in an argument?

_-How the fuck did Kaito defeat you with that stupidity?-_

**_weren’t you supposed to be FUCKING QUIET?_ **

“Hey, Kokichi”, he hears again after a moment so he glances again at the astronaut.

“What.”

“What is your true enemy?”

**My true enemy, huh?**

It takes him a moment to respond.

“Someone like me can’t exactly keep people around, Kaito. You may not see it now but I’m pretty sure you’ll see it soon and then you’ll want out. So it’s better to say goodbye while the memories are still nice” He laughs and it’s bitter. “Fuck, I sound just like Harukawa-chan.”

“Kichi.. those words.. Did Harumaki say them to you?”

“Huh? Yeah, but I mean, they’re not a lie. The killer girl is a terrible liar after all. Ah, but don’t tell her that. The last thing I want is to let her know she’s right in any way.” He sighs again.

He feels tired all of a sudden, and with tiredness comes cold. No longer hiding his face from Kaito and the world, he tries to curl up into himself a little more to gain more warmth. It does nothing though.

He pushes away the temptation of forgetting about the entire thing and just snuggling against Kaito, with hopes that the idiot will forget too.

But when he looks at Kaito again, he feels even colder than before.

The other boy isn’t looking at him, instead glancing around. A big scowl on his face, gritted teeth and furious eyes. Kokichi shudders. Everything becomes so quiet, he can almost hear Kaito muttering something under his breath.

It’s true the astronaut was really angry a moment ago but this.. this is something else entirely. Kokichi flinches when Kaito stands up, looking weirdly determined.

“Where are you going?”, he asks, trying to mask his worry with fake boredom but probably fails miserably.

But Kaito is too absorbed in his own issues to notice any of that.

“Imma find Harumaki and talk to her”, he says, his voice strangely calm. “’s been going on for far too long”, he sighs but more so to himself than to Kokichi.

The supreme leader blanks out, a cold shiver running through his spine. He is.. going to confront Harukawa?

That’s bad. That’s really bad. Kokichi knows the assassin probably won’t hurt Kaito in any way, considering she loves him, but it’s the first time he sees him so mad at the girl so he’s scared. He’s scared they’ll both do something stupid, just like the last time.

He also doesn’t exactly understand why something like this is happening. Aren’t those two friends? Why is Kaito so angry that Harukawa said anything to Kokichi?

_-Aren’t confrontations fun? Well, at least Kaito isn’t sick anymore so if the murder whore snaps, there’ll be a lot less blood-_

Kokichi’s vision blurs and his breath hitches when he sees Kaito turning his back to him and walking away. It’s like something inside him just _b r e a k s._

_It’s the sound of his bones breaking. Or maybe his heart, who knows?_

**i’m sorry,**

**come back**

Like on an automat, he clumsily stands up. Stumbling around, because his legs are shaking and he forgot his cane but _he can’t go back, he fucking can’t waste time now_ , he tries his best to run as fast as he can, but it’s tough, it’s difficult; his lungs are on fire, his muscles are burning up after not being used for such a long time, he starts sweating and gasping for air. His whole body is begging him to stop but his mind can only play three images, all at once.

**_kaito coughing up blood_ **

**_arrows, bloody arrows laying on the bathroom tiles_ **

**_the press, oh god the press_ **

He won’t let Harukawa hurt Kaito. He won’t let Kaito get hurt because of him. He’s scared. He’s so fucking scared.

**Okay, Kaito. You won. You won, I’ll do whatever you want, I’ll eat my own words, just don’t do anything stupid. Just wait. I’ll get help and come, just wait**

He isn’t sure if these are only his thoughts or if he’s saying them out loud. It doesn’t matter anyway.

In his panic, he runs into something _someone?_ and he involuntarily lets out an ‘oof’ while falling to the ground. The whole world spins around him and he gets extremely dizzy.

“Ouma-kun?” He hears.

He’s never been so glad to hear Saihara’s voice before. Not even when he was in love with him.

“Oh my god, Saihara-chan, I’m so glad to see you”, he mumbles breathlessly while trying to collect himself.

He feels a pair of arms helping him sit up properly and only then he can look at the detective. Saihara looks worried and confused. Kokichi can feel himself smile like a madman but he’s so happy, _so relieved_ he could probably kiss Saihara right here and now.

Oh, but he shouldn’t, right?

“Are you alright, Ouma-kun?” Saihara asks and it’s sweet, it’s wholesome and all but it doesn’t matter, there are more important things; _more important matters_.

Hm? Why was he in such a hurry again?

“Doesn’t matter, Saihara-chan”, he mutters. “I-”

“Your hands, they’re bleeding!” Saihara grabs him by his wrists and indeed, his palms are scratched up and bleeding.

Huh. He vaguely remembers tripping once or twice when he was running but he didn’t feel any pain. 

Almost mesmerized by the flowing blood, he stares at the scratches for a moment before snapping up and shaking his head.

“Geez, Saihara-chan, way to distract me”, he pouts. “You even did that when I told you it doesn’t matter!”

Saihara sighs and he covers Kokichi’s hands with handkerchiefs, using them as makeshift bandages. Kokichi isn’t sure where they came from but he’s not going to ask.

“Boo, Saihara-chan isn’t even listening to me. I’m seriously hurt, y’know?” He wails, almost on the verge of tears. Crocodile tears.

He knows he shouldn’t be messing with the detective right now but he’s not quite so sure why. There’s an important reason, he knows that, but his memory is foggy and he cannot seem to remember. 

_It pisses him off._

“You’re ridiculous, you know that?” Saihara sighs and it’s a tired sigh. “What’s so important that you’re running around without any care in the world? Are you sure you should be running at all?”

“Come on, Saihara-chan, you’re not my mom”, he rolls his eyes. It makes Saihara laugh.

He smiles. “Right. Isn’t Toujo-san your mom?”

For a moment, Kokichi grins as well, happy that he could cheer up the detective, but then it all comes back to him.

**_Toujo-chan. The picnic. Kaito._ **

**K A I T O**

**_oh god i’ve wasted so much time_ **

“Ouma-kun?” He hears Saihara ask and he barely registers how worried the detective sounds, a huge contrast to how he was just a moment earlier. 

Before he can even think and let his own worries speak for him, he makes a decision.

“Saihara-chan, I need your help”, he blurts out, not giving himself any chance to back out. “Kaito, he.. we.. argued and he went to see Harukawa-chan”, he winces. Asking straightforwardly for help, especially when it’s Saihara, is tough. 

He can see that the detective doesn’t understand him; doesn’t see the issue. But he can also see Saihara sighing once more, as if making a decision, and then smiling.

“Alright. But you can’t exactly go anywhere on your own two feet, right? And you’ll have to promise me first that you’ll get your hands patched up later”, he says and Kokichi is instantly smiling when he hears that.

“I will, I promise, Saihara-chan!” He places one of his palms on top of his heart, as if he’s vowing. He dirties his t-shirt in the process, as the handkerchiefs are already soaked with blood. “Oops, shouldn’t have done that, I guess.”

“Well, let’s go find Momota-kun quickly, alright? The sooner we do that, the better it is for your hands”, he shakes his head and then kneels in front of Kokichi.

The supreme leader looks at him questioningly. His stare must be intense because Saihara starts blushing pretty quickly.

“W-what”, he mutters, looking away. “You can’t walk, right? It’ll be faster if I carry you.”

“Ooh~?” Kokichi is _smirking_. He doesn’t even need to lie, it’s too fucking amusing. “Is Saihara-chan going to give me a piggyback ride~?” He’s purposely dragging out the syllables in the last two words. 

It makes Saihara even more embarrassed but he doesn’t move.

Kokichi finally climbs onto his back and when he’s secure, Saihara stands up. They wobble for a moment until the taller boy is finally able to get his balance.

“Full speed ahead, my faithful stallion!” Kokichi yells close to the detective’s ear which makes the boy wince. 

He starts walking anyway and soon they’re on their way to look for Kaito.

Kokichi is smiling and messing with Saihara, telling jokes but deep, deep inside.. 

..his heart is slowly dying from fear.

**Wait for me, Kaito. And don’t do anything stupid. At least more stupid than I’d do..**

..which is a pretty low bar to set, he must admit.

Kokichi doesn’t even notice when he bites his lower lip so hard it starts to bleed.

* * *

Nobody has seen Kaito.

They’ve searched almost the entire place, having started with the hospital rooms and common areas, talking to any student or nurse they happened upon.

**_n o t h i n g_ **

Kokichi would laugh at the fucking coincidence but he’s too busy worrying himself to death.

He’s sure Saihara has already noticed his unusual nervousness because once they finish talking with Shinguuji, who, _of fucking course_ , hasn’t seen neither Kaito nor Harukawa, he hums to himself while they go to the garden.

Kokichi imagines the detective would be doing one of his thinking faces right now if he wasn’t carrying him.

“What is it, Saihara-chan?” He asks, not even trying to fake cheerfulness. He’s too exhausted from the constant pressure to do that. 

It’s not that he’s even interested, no, he just doesn’t want Saihara to keep mulling over it and then bombard him with difficult questions.

Although, he’s pretty certain of it, by asking first he won’t avoid the latter.

“You seem to be scared of Harukawa-san..”, Saihara starts and it’s careful, he cautiously chooses his words. 

Kokichi immediately decides it was a bad idea and interrupts him.

“Well, _duh_ , Saihara-chan. She killed me, didn’t she?” He rolls his eyes. “Who knows what’s happening in that microscopic killer brain of hers? Even if the Killing Game ended, she might still want to kill.”

Saihara makes a surprised ‘oh’ at that.

“So you consider Harukawa-san and not Momota-kun as your killer, Ouma-kun?” He asks, although more so himself than Kokichi. 

Kokichi decides to answer anyway, if only to humor him and make him shut up sooner.

“She’s the one who shot me with a poisoned arrow, isn’t she? Kaito was only doing what I asked him to”, he shrugs. “Why is everyone seeing it differently?”

“I hardly consider Momota-kun as a murderer.” Saihara explains calmly. “But there’s no denying the fact he’s the one who pushed the button for the press, right?”

Kokichi huffs but says nothing at that, he doesn’t have the energy to argue with Saihara. If the detective wants to stubbornly think Kaito is the one who’s responsible for Kokichi’s death, he can think that.

Kokichi knows it’s a lie and that’s what truly matters.

Saihara opens his mouth to say something more but then they see Harukawa storming out of the hospital building into the garden they’re in.

The detective stops in his tracks and Kokichi can feel himself shivering. The assassin girl is mad, even more so than when she was talking to him or when she had tried to kill him multiple times in the past.

Kaito leaves the building too, trying to call after the girl and catch up to her, looking visibly determined and angry himself. 

When Kokichi sees him, all of his worries and fears disappear instantly, leaving him sluggish.

**_he’s fine. he’s fucking fine_ **

“Saihara-chan, put me down”, he says sternly. Sluggish or not, it’s his fault this situation is happening and he needs to fix it ASAP. “Put me on the ground.”

His voice leaves no room for discussion. 

Saihara reluctantly complies with his request and Kokichi is back on the ground. His legs almost give out under him, exhausted after all the running he did before but he’s determined. He almost rushes to Harukawa, zigzagging and trying his best not to fall, ignoring Saihara calling after him.

Luck is on his side at this moment, apparently, as Harukawa stops and turns her head to Kaito, listening to something he’s shouting. Kokichi takes the opportunity and barrels into the girl with all the force he’s able to muster, managing to knock them both on the ground.

After that, everything happens way too fast. He hears Harukawa gasp, which is followed by Kaito screaming something. He gets extremely dizzy, more so even when he feels a hand grasping at his throat and pushing him off of the assassin.

He involuntarily yelps when his head hits the dirt, a blinding pain making him see stars and not the pretty kind. The hand choking him tightens its grip, pressing him even more into the flooring.

All he can see is Harukawa’s face among the ugly stars, her cheeks red from the anger and her eyes glaring at him. He wants to smile, laugh, joke, anything, but he can’t breathe, he can’t wiggle, can’t fight back.

_He’s so fucking tired._

His vision is turning black.

“Harumaki, stop, you’re gonna fucking kill him!” He hears Kaito scream and smiles internally _as he cannot really do it another way, he’s too busy dying from asphyxiation._

**_H a HA hA asph Y xia TION w H at A w E Ird wo Rd_ **

Kaito sounds scared, frightened even. He must be really worried about Kokichi, huh?

_It’s nice.._

_..especially since he’s been such a dick to him today._

**_…_ **

**_..._ **

**_aH i L oV E HiM s o MU cH_ **

Then all of a sudden the hand holding his throat disappears and a wave of oxygen rushes to his lungs, making his head spin. He starts coughing like crazy while gasping and crying from the sensation.

He can’t really see, his vision still blurry and riddled with black spots, but he feels a familiar set of arms lifting him from the ground. A scent he knows so well surrounds him, overwhelming him and calming down his trembling body.

“Hey, Kichi, talk to me. Can you hear me?” Kaito speaks to him, and it’s like music to his ears. His throat is still hurting too much for him to respond but he does his best to make a small grunting noise to let the astronaut know.

He blinks rapidly, trying to regain his vision as soon as possible. 

It finally works and he sees Kaito’s face. It’s so beautiful, so shining, he can’t help himself but smile and touch that beautiful face with his hand but when he does that, he immediately winces, as his hand is still bloody and it dirties Kaito’s cheek.

“Fi..lthy”, he mutters under his breath, too light headed to filter anything he does or says. 

“What do you..” Kaito furrows his brows but then he notices the state of Kokichi’s hands and he winces as well. “What happened to your hands?”

“Ran. Tri-tripped”, he breathes, each word painful but he wants to reassure Kaito that everything is alright, that he did it to himself and nobody but him is to blame. 

His head is slowly clearing, the dizziness getting less severe but he still has troubles with thinking, as it’s making his head hurt. Instead of doing any of that, he lazily looks around.

Harukawa is on the ground next to him and Kaito, still angry, while Saihara is holding her in place, it seems. 

_Although she could probably easily break out of his hold if she wanted._

He hears footsteps, lots of them, and then suddenly they’re surrounded by people, lots and lots of people. It takes him a moment to recognize them as their classmates. They appear around them, more and more, each of their faces twisted with concern. 

Although it hurts, Kokichi can’t help himself and giggles. They look funny.

**_oH m aN, i’m STi ll oUt oF iT_ **

He can feel Kaito’s worried eyes on his face and they’re almost burning him.

“What’s happening here?” He hears and his attention immediately snaps to the voice, he turns his head so suddenly he gets engulfed in another way of dizziness. 

**_tHat v OI ce… AkaMa tSu cHa??_ ** **_n_ **

It’s indeed her, she’s standing next to Chabashira and Rantarou, looking worried and clenching her fists. He opens his mouth to say something, because _god he’s fucked everything up royally now, hasn’t he-_ but he can’t really collect his thoughts into one coherent sentence.

They’re talking, all around him he hears voices but only gets a few snippets here and there. It’s like watching a conversation happen while you’re hiding in a different room.

You can only hear some parts of it and even then, they’re muffled.

“It’s just a misunderstanding”, he hears Kaito say. His voice is calm and emotionless and if Kokichi wasn’t the self proclaimed king of deceit, he’d believe him. “Don’t worry about it, you guys.”

**_LiAr_ **

“ _Right_ , Harumaki?” Kaito’s voice suddenly becomes cold and Kokichi can see the girl flinching.

**_LiAr Li Ar pa NTs oN fIrE_ **

She grits her teeth, her face getting even redder than before. She mutters something under her breath, Kokichi thinks, and it makes Saihara eyes widen in panic. Kokichi furrows his brows.

**_????? ????? ??_ **

“Huh?” Kaito sounds just as surprised as Kokichi’s thoughts are.

_-Wow, you’re in sync now-_

“I said” Harukawa starts and her voice is slightly breaking. _Is she crying?_ “ _‘Why?’_ Why are you doing all of this? Why is any of this happening?” She asks and her voice is waving with each word, angry tears spilling through her face.

Kaito opens his mouth to say something but he doesn’t. Saihara looks away.

Harukawa’s tears let Kokichi have a better grip on reality, the feeling of guilt slightly washing away the dizziness.

Seeing just how upset the girl is; how frustrated she looks, makes him wince, his own heart hurting. He stole the person she’s in love with, didn’t he? He, the one she probably hates the most, took away that one important guy in her life.

_-Didn’t you feel the same at one point? When everyone else could be close to Saihara and not you?-_

“Why?” She asks again, already fully in tears. “You hate him. We all hate him, he’s a piece of shit, so why are all of you pretending it’s different? Why is everyone ignoring what he did and treating him like a martyr?” She doesn’t stop with the questions, her voice angry yet meek, while looking at them; their classmates. 

She shakes her head angrily. “Why am I the only one who remembers what he did?”

Kokichi feels his heart ache at her words.

**_no, yoU’re noT tH e onLY o NE, i RemEmBer, I rememB er, can’T forGEt, kEEp reliVi ng iT oVer anD ovER_ **

**_aND OVER_ **

**_AND O V E R_ **

His ears are ringing. He curls up into himself, whimpering softly. 

Kaito flinches when the sound escapes Kokichi’s lips. He must’ve heard it because he pulls the supreme leader closer to himself, hugging him.

“I already told you, you’ve got it wrong”, he sighs, looking at Harukawa. His voice still sounds angry but also tired. “Well, not that you were listening to me anyway.”

“You two were arguing?” Saihara asks, glancing back and forth between his friends.

Kaito’s jaw tightens. “We were.. talking. About stuff. Actually, it’s great that everyone’s here. This shit’s been going on for too long.”

“What do you mean, Momota-kun?” Rantarou chimes in, worried. “And why is Ouma-kun hurt?”

_Oh, so he’s still there. They see him. The conversation was going on without him so he thought he already disappeared._

“Whaa-t are you ta-lking about, ‘mami-chan. ‘m fine~~”, he manages to mumble out, wiggling around in Kaito’s embrace so he can properly sit.

It’s a mistake, a huge mistake, since he’s still pretty dizzy and nauseous, but he takes a few deep, _painful_ breaths and it’s better. It’s fine.

_He’s fine._

“I’m _ok-ay_ , see?” He smiles. He hopes he’s doing it properly.

_Ew, his voice is raspy and shaky, he hates it sO mUCh._

He’s pretty sure he makes a disgusted face but he can’t exactly control himself.

“You don’t look ‘okay’, Ouma-kun” says Toujo suddenly and she walks closer to him, a first aid kit in her hands. _When did she..?_ “I suggest we all gather in a nearby gazebo and discuss this matter. And also take care of Ouma-kun’s injuries.”

Kaito nods and slowly lifts himself up. “Yeah, you’re right, Toujo, we should.”

When he tries to help Kokichi, the supreme leader slaps his hand away. Surprised, Kaito takes a step back and everyone stops talking, attention shifting to Kokichi.

**_conTRol yoURSelf coNTRol yoURSELf yOu cAn do tHis it’s jUst nausEa it’s jUSt a coNCUSSIon_ **

**_juSt liKe tHe thIRd triAL you GOT thiS_ **

“No”, he says simply, still sitting on the ground. He sighs. “Here’s fine”, he mumbles.

“What are you talking about?” Kaito winces, his voice rising slightly. “You’re freaking bleeding, not to mention-”

“I’m fine!” He yells and closes his eyes, immediately regretting everything. His head still hurts, his throat is on fire. “No, scratch that. I’m so fucking tired, I’ve had enough.”

He takes a deep breath and opens his eyes, looking at everyone. He can spot some worried faces, like Toujo, Rantarou, Saihara and Akamatsu. A few of them are indifferent, like Shinguuji and Hoshi. Angie is happily smiling, Chabashira is whispering something to a frightened Yumeno, Gonta is looking at the ground, Miu is nervously glancing away and Harukawa..

..is looking straight into his eyes, still angry and upset.

He smiles at her. It takes her aback.

“Really can’t believe you, Kaito”, he says softly, too tired and dizzy to even bother with his masks. 

Although the circumstances are.. less than ideal, he can’t give a single fuck anymore. He’s exhausted.

It’s time to end the show, even if it has to be in front of everybody. Even if he feels like dying.

“It physically hurts me to say this out loud but”, he laughs, it’s a soft laugh, not any of his sinister giggles. Or at least it would normally sound that way but his voice is raspy as fuck. “Harukawa-chan is right. Why are you doing this? Why are all of you doing this?” He smiles while slowly collecting himself from the ground. 

Standing up is difficult. He wobbles around for a long moment until he finally manages to catch his balance. 

Looking at Kaito is more difficult than that though. The astronaut is watching him closely. Kokichi can see his fists clenching and his face wincing while the magenta eyes are filled with care, tenderness and sadness.

Kokichi sighs.

“I really can’t understand. I’ve hurt you, over and over again, I’ve made you kill me, I’ve lied to you countless times and yet you decide to confront your friend instead of listening to me _just this once_ and letting go. What she said is true though, I can’t keep people around even if I want to. I’m a liar, Momota”, he says, his voice growing stern. Kaito flinches when Kokichi uses his surname. “I’m the bad guy here! I’ve hurt not only you, but Saihara, Iruma, Gonta, everyone, in one way or another! It’s not strange that Harukawa wants to kill me, no, the only strange one is you”, he winces, looking at the astronaut. 

“Kokichi..”

“Why are you still trying to fix me? Can’t you see it makes no sense? You won’t change who I am, no matter how hard you try.”

“Kokichi.”

“Why are you wasting your time on me, instead of on your friends?” He huffs, fully irritated. “I’ve already said, I’m not your responsibility!” He even raises his voice, although it hurts, his voice still hurts after the strangling.

“I’m not treating you like my responsibility, for fuck’s sake! Jeez, why are you both so stubborn and can’t listen to what I-”

“Then why are you still doing that?” Kokichi’s suppressed emotions get the best of him, finally, and he yells. “Why are you still acting like I am?”

“You’re not!”

“Am too!”

Kaito is getting angrier and angrier. “Why are you so fucking stubborn?! I don’t see you as a fucking responsibility, what’s going on in your head?”

They’re both screaming at each other and although Kokichi is tired and his voice is dying, he feels strangely liberated.

“I dunno, why won’t _you_ tell me? You’ve spent the last months acting like my knight in shining armor, so why did you do it, if you didn’t feel responsible for my death?” He spits. 

“I.. I..” Kaito visibly falters at this argument and Kokichi sees his chance to win so he pushes further.

He can kind of see Rantarou and Saihara ready to step up any minute now but the things haven’t got physical yet.

Not that they will, Kokichi would lose immediately.

“Oh yeah? ‘You’ what? You feel bad because you crushed poor wittle Kokichi under the press? Then jam _that_ into your dense stubborn head because I won’t be repeating myself! YOU DIDN’T KILL ME, I DID THAT TO MYSELF!" He's panting, his throat is burning. He's so tired but not finished yet. He has more up his sleeve. One burning question that he spent _months_ on. "IF I’M NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, THEN WHY DO YOU CARE?!”

“BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE YOU, GODDAMMIT!” Kaito yells back at him.

Kokichi’s words die in his throat, any argument lost, and only a small whimper escapes as he watches Kaito with his mouth open. He can hear a few gasps of surprise between his classmates but he can’t bring himself to care.

His mind is a mess. It’s empty and at the same time, all of the thoughts are spiraling with the speed of light. The dizziness from before, although less severe than at the beginning, is still present and messing with his head.

Yes, that’s what’s happening. He’s so delirious he’s started hearing things. 

Exactly.

Because there’s no way Kaito really said that.

There’s no way Kaito loves him.

**Oh my fucking god why does it hurt so much to even think that**

_-Because there’s just no way anybody can love someone like you, right?-_

“Liar”, he mutters, curling into himself, embracing his small body with his small arms. He feels so small, surrounded by people who think they know him but they don’t. Even his voice sounds small. “You’re lying. I hate liars.”

Kaito doesn’t respond to him but it’s not like it matters. Kokichi wouldn’t even hear him, the sound of his heartbeat and his own thoughts drowning out everything else.

“There’s.. there’s no way”, he says while starting to laugh. It’s not funny at all but he’s laughing. “I mean, it’s me we’re talking about. N-no way you can love someone like me. It’s not funny, Momota-chan, this joke is really not funny, I hate jokes and pranks”, he’s still talking, his laugh turning into sobs while more and more tears are flowing through his face.

He only stops talking when he feels the astronaut hugging him. Exhausted and not caring anymore, he hugs Kaito back, letting his sobs overtake him. 

He should.. say something, push him away, insist this is all bullshit but he doesn’t want to anymore. He’s tired, he wants his safe place back. He’s become so weak, he can’t even recognize himself.

Kaito’s warm. He’s petting his head but doesn’t say anything and Kokichi’s glad for that, shame burning fiercely in his veins. 

Just like his throat is.

* * *

“And.. finished.” Toujo smiles slightly and closes the first aid kit. “Although I still think you should let the nurses and the doctors know, Ouma-kun.”

Kokichi slightly wrinkles his nose while examining his bandaged palms.

“No need, Toujo-chan, they don’t care about us anyway”, he says in a bored tone. He’d wiggle his legs back and forth but he can't really feel them from all that running around. “Besides, you did a better job than they ever will.”

“I am really flattered to hear that”, she smiles softly. “If it’s not a lie, of course.”

He smiles back, as her voice is teasing and doesn’t hold any malice.

He shoots her a knowing look while touching his lips with his index finger. “Who knows~?”

He has a feeling they both know he’s not lying.

They’re currently sitting in the gazebo where Kokichi was forced to bear through Toujo fussing over him and taking care of his injuries. Several of their classmates stuck around while some of them, like Gonta and Hoshi, went to search for Kokichi’s lost cane.

The supreme leader has to say, it feels nice to be taken care of.

He discreetly glances at Kaito who’s standing next to one of the gazebo’s wooden pillars, pretending to listen to Akamatsu talking while in reality he’s watching over Kokichi.

Their eyes meet and Kaito smiles at him softly. Kokichi turns away, feeling his face burning.

“Momota-kun is something else entirely, is he not?” Toujo muses when she notices Kokichi’s awful attempts at hiding his embarrassment. “To say the things he said out loud, in front of everyone, with such a straight face. Not everyone has the strength to do such a thing.”

**Oh really Toujo-chan, you want to dwell on it further and make me suffer more**

“Yeah, it’s scary how good he’s at lying now”, he mumbles.

Toujo smiles while looking at Kaito. “Do you think he is lying, Ouma-kun?”

The astronaut lifts one of his brows but grins and shows her a thumb up. 

“I may not know Momota-kun very well and forgive me for even interfering, but..”, she says while waving delicately to Kaito “I think he is saying the truth. Besides, out of the two of us, you are the one more skilled at lying, right? You should be able to tell.”

He is. He is able to tell. And everything in Kaito practically _screams_ that the boy is telling the truth.

**_but there’s no way. there’s just no way_ **

His thoughts are interrupted by Gonta coming back, a big triumphant smile on his face.

“Gonta and Hoshi-kun found Ouma-kun’s cane!” He exclaims, proudly showing the cane to everyone.

Hoshi stands behind him, smiling softly and eating a candy cigarette. Their classmates gather around, expressing their gratitude to the entomologist.

“Nyahahaha, good job Gonta! Atua is very proud of you!” Kokichi hears Angie say. 

He can’t help but smile as well.

Gonta stands in front of him and gives him the cane while watching him with those big, doe-like eyes of his.

“Now Ouma-kun can walk again, right? Gonta was useful, right?” He asks with a grin.

Kokichi takes the cane from him.

“Yeah, you were, Gonta. Thanks”, he says softly.

He puts the cane by his side, not really able to use it right now but still grateful that he got it back. Gonta smiles at him once more, making Kokichi feel a lot better about himself, but then the giant is already distracted by Angie and Saihara and he moves away, leaving Kokichi alone.

Toujo leaves him a moment later, stating that she needs to put back the first aid kit as it’s not needed anymore and she only borrowed it from the nurses.

Kokichi doesn’t mind being alone (although still surrounded by his classmates), as he can focus on the chaos that’s going on in his mind. Besides, Kaito’s watching him anyway.

He lets his thoughts consume him, tuning out the world around him. 

**So Kaito loves me.. huh?**

_-Quite unbelievable, isn’t it? That someone so bright and shining could be in love with someone like you-_

**I don’t think he’s lying but.. he must be. He’s a better liar than I thought he is, because I can’t believe he would just love me after all of the things I’ve done**

_-You haven’t really apologized to them, right? Not to Kaito, not to Gonta, Miu, anyone really-_

**I..**

_-Come on, Kokichi, say it. Stop lying to yourself for at least a moment and grow a pair-_

**…**

_-…-_

**…**

**I want to be worthy of Kaito’s love**

_-There you go. Good boy. Wasn’t so bad, right?-_

“Ouma” he hears on his right and it’s enough to break him out of his trance.

He looks in that direction and it’s Harukawa. She’s standing at the entrance to the gazebo, unsure, fiddling with the scrunchie on one of her pigtails and bouncing on her legs anxiously. She’s not even looking at him, instead her gaze is fixated on the gazebo’s wooden floor. 

He opens his mouth to say something but he doesn’t have the chance.

Turns out not only Kaito was watching him.

“What the fuck do you want, killer tits?” Miu is immediately by his side, her foul mouth spitting angrily while she warily observes Harukawa.

Both Kokichi and the assassin are taken aback by her sudden interruption. 

“Iruma-chan?” He asks, carefully looking at the inventor.

While her face is scowled and she’s gripping her fists, Kokichi can see she’s shaking and barely standing straight.

Whether it’s because of him or Harukawa, he’s not sure. But he’s still impressed.

“I-I asked.. ‘ _what the fuck do you want?_ ’” Miu repeats and this time her voice wavers a little.

Harukawa furrows her brows, her eyes completely focused on the blonde girl in front of her, glaring. Even Kokichi flinches.

He quickly glances at Kaito who slowly moves from his position next to the pillar, eyes trained on both Miu and the assassin.

“I want to talk to him.” Harukawa explains, her voice calm and cold. 

Miu quietly whimpers but then clears her throat. 

“Oh yeah?” She scoffs, some of her false bravado coming back. “Well, tough shit, _Whorekawa_ , you ain’t talking to him anymore. You’ve crossed the line when you tried to choke that shitty twink.”

Kokichi’s brows shoot up to the sky.

**_twink?_ **

“Why do you care, Iruma?” Harukawa almost seethes which makes Miu take a step back. “He killed you, remember?”

“Nnngh!” Miu whimpers under the assassin’s death glare. It takes her a moment to compose herself. “I-isn’t it the giant idiot who killed me though? A-and, _I can’t believe I’m saying that_ , but I was actually the one who tried to kill the twink’s virgin ass first, right?” She mewls unsure, slowly starting to ramble. “I-I know I’m _the_ gorgeous girl genius but even I have to admit sometimes that I did something wrong. Sure, he did a shitty thing but I-I forced his hand, y’know?”

“Iruma-chan..” Kokichi mutters involuntarily, feeling his jaw drop.

“A-and it’s not like everyone else isn’t at fault!” She yells suddenly and does a 360 to look at them all. “Who here can say that they for sure didn’t just push that lying little abortion off as ‘annoying, a nuisance, the evil incarnate’?” She huffs and stops to look at Kokichi.

Kokichi, who’s looking at her with a completely neutral expression while his heart is breaking.

 _-Hey, are you going_ to cry?-

**....**

**….**

_-Are you even listening?-_

“I mean, I get it, he’s fucked up, and that’s probably an understatement”, she laughs a little too loud while rolling her eyes. “But yeah, half of you impotents are at least as fucked up as he is, if not more”, she shrugs. “I mean, the space nutjob over there suddenly wants to fuck _Twinkichi’s_ brains out while the greatest Iruma Miu is around and ready for action!” She laughs even louder. “Isn’t that weird?”

“Oi, Iruma!” Kaito groans, his cheeks getting red. “Watch your fucking language.”

“Urghh!” She mewls again, cowering.

“Y-yeah! Tenko agrees!” Chabashira, _of all people_ , steps in and joins the conversation. “I mean, Ouma-san is still a degenerate male and Tenko would gladly beat him up if she had to!” She smiles while Kaito rolls his eyes at that. “But Yumeno-san told Tenko that Ouma-san had tried to stop the killing game, right? So he’s not entirely bad, even if he’s a _menace_ and even if he made some awful mistakes.”

“Guys..” Kaito says quietly, a big smile forming on his face. “Yeah, Kokichi isn't so bad when you get to actually know him!” 

Kokichi, still there but not quite, glances at Harukawa who’s standing in the same place she was before Miu’s interruption. 

Their eyes meet. Kokichi smiles sadly.

He’s so fucking tired. He wants to hide in a corner and ~~die~~ cry. 

He wants Kaito to hug him.

“What’s the matter, you gremlin? Are you gonna cry now?” Miu teases him with a smirk and he chuckles shortly.

Then, he takes a deep breath.

 _‘You should confront your feelings when you have the chance, otherwise you’ll regret it later’_ Rantarou said to him once. Or it at least sounded similar.

God, it feels like it’s been so long ago.

“I never wanted to kill you, Iruma-chan”, he says quietly, with a sad smile. “I’m sorry.”

Miu opens her mouth to say something, anything, but she can’t, she’s clearly too surprised. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Harukawa flinching. He takes one last quick glance at Kaito, his safe place, _his sun and star and moon_ , who’s currently wincing slightly but doing nothing to stop him.

Kokichi ever so slightly nods at him. 

Then he starts talking.

“I didn’t want to kill Gonta either. I..” he laughs, doing everything in his might to squish the need to turn everything into a joke. His hands are trembling, he’s scared, so scared to be honest with them. “I felt so dirty when I used Gonta like that. I felt so miserable I had to get rid of Iruma-chan who was such a big factor in my plan. W-without her, I wouldn’t be able to do _jack shit_ ”, he spits out the last words, angry at his own uselessness. 

He’s still scared, so scared, just like he was under the press when he was about to die.

In an instant, strange but slightly familiar words ring in his mind, an echo of the past.

**_i don’t want to die_ **

No, this time, it’s even worse. Everything’s worse, everything’s ten times scarier.

_-You chose this path, Kokichi. It’d be silly to turn back now-_

**I know**

“I had to survive. I had to get everyone out”, he says finally with a sigh. “Or, at least, the ones who were still around. But I couldn’t be like Akamatsu-chan or Amami-chan, I would get killed off otherwise.”

“Ouma-kun..” Akamatsu starts but he shakes his head.

“I..”, he hesitates. “The supreme leader Ouma was made to hate the assassin Harukawa, because she’s a killer and he hates killing”, he mutters. “But no matter how you look at it, Harukawa-chan only caused two deaths during the game while I caused at least four. Iruma-chan, Gonta, myself and Kaito”, he smiles softly, it’s a sad smile. “I’m sorry, Iruma-chan, Gonta, Kaito. Everyone. I didn’t want any of you to die. I tried to stop the things from happening but I didn’t try enough and I lost against the mastermind, just like Akamatsu-chan.”

He looks at the blonde girl and smiles apologetically. All throughout the Killing Game, he constantly made fun of her losing to the mastermind as soon as she’d gotten the urge to kill but didn’t he do exactly the same or even worse?

He didn’t even dirty his own hands with blood, no, he let someone else do it and then take the blame.

_He’s the worst._

“I became a villain so that the mastermind would leave me alone but that _royally_ backfired on me, haha”, he says finally, all of his troubles and thoughts escaping his mouth one after another, as if a dam of some sorts was broken and there’s a flood now. He’s speaking faster and faster as well. “Funny, because I was mad at Kaito for sticking to his hero schtick almost to the point he breaks, meanwhile I was doing the..”

“Hey, Kokichi, stop. That’s enough”, he hears somewhere close and when he snaps from his mantra, it’s Kaito crouching in front of him and holding one of his hands while the other one is gripping Kokichi’s hair. The supreme leader can even feel it sting from the pressure he’s inflicting on the wounds.

When Kokichi looks at him, the astronaut smiles.

“Hi”, he says softly. 

“Hi.” Kokichi murmurs back. The hand slowly leaves his hair alone.

“Sorry I interrupted you but you’re going to hurt your hands once more if you keep on doing that. _And_ your scalp.” The astronaut sighs. 

“Get a room, you two!” Miu scoffs while shaking her head but Kokichi can notice she’s a little bit shaken.

Did he scare them with his words? Or maybe with the way he acted?

“I’ll be fine, Kai-chan”, he says tiredly. “Went through worse.”

“We can go rest if you want?”

“No, it’s okay, really”, he manages to smile. “Thanks.”

Kaito beams at him, his cheeks slightly pink.

“Sure, anytime, Kichi!”

Someone clears their throat and when both of the boys look up, it’s Shinguuji, who was just standing silently in the background up until this moment.

“Even Ouma-kun is human, is he not? The killing game was, certainly, a difficult situation for us all, and all of us have made mistakes we are not proud of, as humans often do”, he speaks calmly. “And while I am, in all likelihood, the last person who is to say something like that, what matters the most is to move forward and not dwell on the past. We survived, despite our mistakes. We were given a second chance and it would be unwise to throw it away because of our previous quarrels.”

While still a creep, Shinguuji makes some sense.

“What the sister fucker probably meant is that we should forgive and forget.” Miu grins. “And I’m all for that!”

“Gonta isn’t mad at Ouma-kun for what happened, too. So Ouma-kun don’t need to worry about that!” Gonta smiles brightly at him.

“We’re all friends, right?” Akamatsu smiles as well. “Just like we promised at the beginning, we got out and we’re friends now. Ouma-kun included.”

“Nyeh, that’s right! We’re all gonna be friends even after we leave the hospital!” Yumeno exclaims which makes Chabashira squeal with excitement or who the hell knows what. 

All of their classmates seem to agree with the magician as they start discussing their plans for the future. Kokichi involuntarily glances at Saihara and sees the detective smiling at him.

He smiles back and they share a look between them, looking at how Kaito sprawled himself over Kokichi’s lap while talking to Hoshi about something. Kokichi rolls his eyes at which Saihara chuckles.

Sighing, too tired to even deal with anything, Kokichi starts to absentmindedly play with the astronaut’s hair, combing it with his fingers. 

Rantarou sits next to him and bumps their shoulders in a way that is supposed to be, Kokichi guesses, reassuring.

It actually kinda is.

“Tired?” The taller boy asks and Kokichi nods slowly. It makes Rantarou smile. “No wonder, it was hectic. You did great though.”

“Not finished.” Kokichi says immediately but then hesitates, alarmed by how easy it was to admit the truth. It’s.. a new thing but not entirely unwelcome. And he did, in fact, say the truth.

He still has some things to say to certain people but they are far too private to say them in front of everyone. There is only so much honesty a liar like him can survive through showing in one day.

Rantarou looks him in the eyes for a moment, clearly searching for something. The supreme leader withstands his gaze, even if its intensity makes him slightly flustered.

Rantarou finally smiles and ruffles his hair. “Got it, Boss.”

The action makes Kokichi wince but he’s too tired to fight back. Kaito looks up at them with his brows lifted.

“Whatcha talking about?” He asks warily, although he’s not hostile, which is a win in Kokichi’s book. Rantarou only shakes his head.

“I was actually telling Ouma-kun that today’s pancakes day at the cafeteria”, the other boy replies, raising his voice. The obvious lie makes Kokichi frown. “And it would be really nice if we all went to get some pancakes, I think.”

The conversations around them subside for a moment and a slow murmur goes through their classmates. Kokichi can fish out the word ‘pancakes’ from all that whispering. He smiles as the realization hit him.

_He’s creating a distraction for him._

Rantarou is smart. Too smart. Kokichi wouldn’t want to _not_ have him on his side.

“Rantarou is right! Atua says that getting pancakes together is a great way to celebrate this beautiful afternoon!” Angie clasps her hands together as if she was praying, while humming cheerfully. “Let us go to the cafeteria, Himiko!” She exclaims and then leaves the gazebo.

“Nyeh, Angie, wait for me!” Yumeno immediately follows her which makes Tenko yell.

“Angie-san, Yumeno-san, wait for Tenko too!”

Once the aikido master catches up with the two girls, the three of them walk away while happily discussing the topic of pancakes and laughing.

It’s so heartwarming to see them like that.

Slowly more and more of their classmates decide to join them. Rantarou winks at Kokichi and ruffles his hair once more, leaving the shorter boy with probably even more knots in his hair but feeling lighter than before. Akamatsu sends a smile towards him and Kaito and waves at them while leaving the gazebo alongside Shinguuji who’s nodding at what she’s saying to him.

Gonta talks to Hoshi for a moment before the two of them also leave. Miu lingers for a while longer, still nervously observing Harukawa, who’s decided to sit on a bench a little farther away but then she locks her eyes with Kaito, of all people.

Kokichi watches the two of them looking at each other, glancing between them, and finally Kaito ever so slowly nods. Miu takes a deep breath, flashes Kokichi with a grin and also leaves to join the rest of their class.

With Toujo already gone, since she had to return the medkit earlier and didn’t manage to come back, the people left are Kokichi, Kaito, Saihara and Harukawa.

Kaito is still sitting on the ground, the upper part of his body sprawled over Kokichi’s lap. Saihara is sitting quite near them while writing something in a notebook and Harukawa is watching the wind playing with the leaves on the trees outside of the gazebo. Kokichi sighs quietly and returns to his previous task of playing with Kaito’s hair.

He still can’t quite fathom just how soft it is, despite all that gelling and torturing Kaito has done to it.

Neither of them say anything for as long as they can hear or see their classmates. Once the silence falls upon them, Kokichi closes his eyes for a moment to gather the last bits of energy he has.

He told Rantarou the truth, he still isn’t done. The easier part, although not actually easy in the slightest, was over, he admitted his main faults out loud and apologized to the ones he directly killed. Now he had to also admit the stuff he did to the three people that he had influenced the most.

Deciding to start with the easiest target out of them all, he opens his eyes, intent to get Harukawa’s attention but then he notices Kaito watching him and their eyes lock.

The magenta ones are smiling at him, just like their owner is.

Can eyes even smile?

_…he’s probably still delirious from before._

“Do you wanna get pancakes too?” Kaito asks and Kokichi shakes his head.

“Mmm, not hungry. Maybe later”, he says. Kaito laughs.

“If there’s even gonna be any left. But sure”, he responds.

Another moment of silence and then the astronaut lifts himself from the ground and sits next to the supreme leader.

“Jeez, your hair’s a mess again”, he sighs and starts working on the strands. “Wish I took a brush with me.”

Kokichi wants to say that it’s ridiculous to carry a brush everywhere but he only snorts and smiles. He closes his eyes and lets Kaito take care of his hair, his muscles unconsciously relaxing against Kaito’s body.

He feels so fucking stupid for thinking that he could so easily let go of that feeling.

“Ouma”, he hears again in front of him and he feels Kaito tense beside him.

He opens one of his eyes and he sees Harukawa standing in front of him once more. She looks less nervous and more determined. He notices her eyes are trained on him as if she doesn’t want to let herself look at the astronaut behind him.

He knows it’s probably difficult for her to look at them at all and he feels a sliver of sympathy for the assassin. It sucks to have your heart broken after all.

“Ah, Harukawa-san, I don’t think it’s a good idea to..” Saihara stands beside her, nervous but ready to intervene if something bad happens again. Kokichi also feels Kaito wrapping an arm around his waist in a protective manner.

The astronaut is sitting still, his posture tense and he’s probably watching Harukawa carefully.

“It’s fine. I’m..” she sighs. “You two can relax. I’m not gonna do anything stupid anymore, I just want to talk to him.”

“Harumaki..” Kaito starts slowly, his voice wary, but Kokichi shakes his head.

“Good. I want that too”, he says curtly. Sympathy or not, he still doesn’t trust her. “You can talk then.”

He has to actively stop himself from insulting or provoking her and fighting against habits is more difficult than he thought.

“Can you two.. give us a moment or something?” Harukawa glances at Saihara and then briefly at Kaito but as soon as she does that, her gaze averts to the floor and she clenches her fists.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Kaito immediately says, his voice stern. For a moment, nobody says anything but then Kaito sighs, his voice softening. “Sorry, Harumaki. I can’t risk stuff happening again, y’know.”

“Yes, I understand”, she mutters, not looking at him. Saihara looks dejected, then glances in Kaito’s direction and sighs.

“Actually, there are things I would also like to say, if I can. A-after Harukawa-san is done, of course”, he says.

Before Kaito can even reply, Kokichi chimes in.

“That’s perfectly fine, Saihara-chan. We can all take turns”, he smiles. “So why don’t you sit. It’ll be like a group therapy session for the four of us~”, he hums, his cheery persona coming back for a second, and points at a nearby bench, the one Saihara was sitting on. “You can move this bench a little closer.”

“Tch, did you have to word it that way?” Kaito hisses while Saihara and Harukawa work together on moving the bench. “I hate that stuff.”

“Sorry, that was a joke.” Kokichi laughs shortly. “There’ll be no boring therapists though, so Kai-chan can relax. We’ll only be talking about the things we _want_ to talk about.”

“If you say so”, he sighs. They don’t drag the conversation anymore, instead opting to wait for the two to finish with their task.

Finally, the detective and the assassin sit on the bench, directly in front of Kokichi and Kaito. Kokichi slowly wiggles out of Kaito’s embrace, much to the astronaut’s dismay.

“I think that it would only be fair if Kai-chan and I weren’t cuddling during all of this.” Kokichi says. “It may make some people here uncomfortable and we don’t want that, do we?”

“Fine”, mutters Kaito but he’s still upset. It’s clear he feels more secure with Kokichi in his arms but the supreme leader thinks they all need to feel equal in the conversation.

Otherwise, it’s gonna end up a mess and they had enough messes for today.

When he ends up sitting next to Kaito instead of almost in his lap, he hears Saihara slowly sigh. Harukawa closes her eyes for a moment, then looks at him.

“So? What are the rules?” She asks. Kokichi lifts one of his brows.

“Rules?” He asks back.

“You thought of the whole thing, so clearly, you’ve established some weird rules”, she scoffs. “So that we’d play your game. So. What are they?”

**Oh, so that’s what she means**

_-How desperate she has to be to want to play by your rules?-_

He ignores that comment.

“There are no rules, Harukawa-chan”, he simply says. “You can talk about anything you want, when you want. Oh, then maybe I’ll actually make one rule. Don’t interrupt each other. When someone is talking, let them say what they want to say and then, when they’re finished, you can be the one speaking”, he smiles. “It’s a simple rule, right? Easy to follow.”

“Fine. So I’ll start.” She speaks curtly, her eyes locked onto Ouma. “I still hate you but I shouldn’t have choked you. And” she looks at Kaito instead “I’m mad at Momota for running away from us, instead of talking like a normal human being. We’re supposed to be friends, right?”

“I..” Kaito hesitates but then sighs. “You’re right. I.. I fucked that up, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not like me or Saihara didn’t realize something’s wrong”, she sighs, her voice softening. “You’d been avoiding us even before Ouma had woken up and after that, you started ignoring us completely, while shooting us the most pitiful expressions I’ve ever seen. That.. wasn’t like you at all.”

“And~ that’s where I have to step in, Harukawa-chan.” Kokichi grins, immediately breaking the one rule he enforced which almost makes Harukawa hiss. “See, that’s the thing. _You think_ it wasn’t like Kaito but what if you’re wrong? What if that’s the real Kaito?” He wiggles his brows, he cannot help himself but provoke the assassin _just a little._

“What”, she deadpans. “And don’t fucking interrupt me, you said yourself-“

“Nishishi~~ I’m a supreme leader of evil, I can do what I-”

“Both of you, stop.” Kaito says sternly and all three of them flinch, even Saihara who wasn’t talking.

They look at him expectantly.

“I..”, he winces and takes a deep breath. “I should’ve talked to you two before, I know that. Even during the game, I already thought that I’m in no way the hero I want to be, that Shuuichi is far better than me at that role and I’m just an imposter”, he smiles but it’s a smile filled with pain. “Remember what I told you right before my execution?”

“Yes, I remember, Momota-kun.” Saihara says slowly. Harukawa winces.

“I was actually relieved to die like a hero, on my own terms”, his smile becomes soft. “But then it turned out to be just a simulation and I didn’t know how to stop pretending”, he stops and then looks at Kokichi. “Kichi was actually right. I.. I became so obsessed with keeping the hero image while we were all wallowing in despair because of the truth about the game, that I really started breaking apart. I couldn’t look you two in the eyes, the actual heroes, so I took a step back and started obsessing over helping someone I killed with my own hands”, he sighs. “And who wasn’t judging me because he was in a coma.”

Kokichi intertwines their hands and gives Kaito a reassuring squeeze. Kaito smiles in return, his eyes locked onto the shorter boy.

“But that went way different than I anticipated. It was Kichi who became my hero instead. He was there for me when I needed him, even if I was lying to myself that I was completely fine”, he says and it’s so sappy, so cheesy that Kokichi wants to yell at him, wants to hit him and then run away but he can only blush furiously and avert his gaze, making Kaito chuckle.

**Me? Being someone’s hero?**

_-Isn’t that a pleasant thought to have, hm?-_

**Yeah, it sounds.. really nice**

“And by the time I started thinking about fixing the mess I’d made, the things got out of control, so yeah.” Kaito laughs again while scratching his neck from embarrassment. “I majorly screwed up, I hope you can forgive me.”

“Well, it’s not like we didn’t already think that was the case, just as Harukawa-san said.” Saihara smiles softly while taking a deep breath. “It was the same thing with your illness, right? You didn’t want to bother us with your problems, although we would have been more than happy to help you shoulder them.”

“Exactly what Saihara said.” Harukawa huffs. “You idiot.”

“Jeez, Harumaki, you’re harsh.” Kaito laughs. “But yeah, I guess I deserve that one.”

“We’re your friends, Momota-kun. Just like you helped us before and continue to still do that, we want to help you too. A-although I’m speaking for myself right now.” The detective chuckles nervously while glancing at the assassin.

Harukawa rolls his eyes but her lips curve into a small smile.

“Saihara’s right. I don’t care whether you’re a hero or not, depend on us more, you big idiot”, she says and it’s affectionate in a weird way.

“You guys..” Kaito says softly and he suddenly straightens his back while covering his mouth with his palm. “You’re gonna make me cry, I swear-“

It makes Saihara laugh and soon Kaito is laughing with him too. Even Harukawa seems happy and more relaxed, letting a chuckle or two herself.

Kokichi watches the three of them with a small smile, delighted that they made up.

“You know, Momota-kun..” Saihara starts after they all calm down. “You’re still a hero to me, even if you don’t see yourself as one”, he smiles warmly. “You were there when I needed you and you pushed me to move forward. Without you, I wouldn’t be able to survive the killing game at all.”

Harukawa nods her head. “The same goes for me. If you didn’t believe in me, I would probably end up dead or as an outcast.” She smiles softly. “You have a weird taste in people but that taste helps them become better versions of themselves.”

Kokichi smiles at that too, as the same could be said about him. Kaito made him into a better version of himself and though the boy is still at the beginning of the road, he feels a string of hope that the things will be alright.

But he says nothing. It isn’t time for him yet to speak out.

“Thanks, Harumaki, I’ll take that as a compliment.” Kaito says, his voice slightly mocking. “And thank you too, Shuuichi. I’m glad you’re my friends”, he says honestly and then shakes his head with a short giggle. “Whew, felt so good to finally let it all out”, he grins widely. “So, who’s next?”

“Ah, if I may, I would like to speak now.” Saihara starts hesitantly, then looks between Harukawa and Kokichi. “Of course, if you don’t mind.”

“I’m fine with that”, the girl shrugs while Kokichi only nods.

Saihara smiles slightly then closes his eyes for a moment while fiddling with his hands. When he’s ready, he takes a deep breath and opens his eyes again. The golden irises are focused on Kokichi who, honestly, started feeling more like a part of the background already.

“I already had that conversation with Ouma-kun before, or at least, a part of it. But I believe my wording wasn’t actually the best at the time”, he laughs, clearly embarrassed. “After I witnessed what happened today, I was able to collect my thoughts”, he stops for a moment, glancing at Kaito but then his attention shifts back to the supreme leader.

Kokichi slowly lifts one of his brows but says nothing, his expression neutral. Kaito squeezes his hand back, their fingers still intertwined, and he can feel the astronaut’s gaze on his face as well.

“I know I’m far too late and I should’ve said it a lot sooner but.. I’m in love with you, Ouma-kun” confesses Saihara and makes Kaito squeeze Kokichi’s hand once more, this time a lot harder, causing Kokichi to slightly wince. “If I dare to believe, I think you had feelings for me too at one point but I completely blew my chance, didn’t I?” He sighs. “And I know that I only hurt you during all of our time spent here, which I’m really, _truly_ sorry about. I can only wish you’d at least want to be friends with me”, he smiles sadly.

Kokichi blinks once or twice, slowly processing Saihara’s words. It’s not shocking to hear the confession, he suspected that’s the case after their last conversation. What’s more shocking to him is that Saihara decided to say that in front of Kaito, who had already professed his love for Kokichi publicly.

_-So you finally stopped trying to convince yourself that Kaito’s lying?-_

**Oh shut up, not now**

_-You’re full of surprises recently, Kokichi, I’m not gonna lie, haha-_

**I said stop**

“Oh, yes, I just wanted to say that out loud, I’m not hoping for anything.” Saihara immediately explains, waving his hands anxiously, while mostly looking at Kaito. “I already know I don’t stand a chance so.. I just wanted you, _both of you_ to know. I don’t want to keep any secrets anymore”, he says and then sighs again.

Harukawa places a hand on his shoulder and squeezes it. The detective shoots her a smile.

Kokichi hums quietly, noticing that the three of them are waiting for what he has to say.

“It’s true that I liked Saihara-chan once. I really, really liked him”, he says slowly. “I felt betrayed when I found out Saihara-chan had toyed with my heart like that, especially when I wanted to give him my trust”, he muses with a small smile. “It really did a number on me and that’s not a lie. I did so~ many stupid things because of what I heard”, he singsongs while leaning against Kaito who immediately places his arm back on Kokichi’s waist.

“But” Kokichi smiles and it’s a little mischievous, a little childish “I know Saihara-chan was just jealous and confused, he did say that himself after all. So I’m fine~ And, I may not have feelings for Saihara-chan anymore but I still enjoy his company, so if he’s okay with that, I’m more than happy to hang out with him. Of course, before we leave this place, because I can’t promise anything after that”, he smirks.

He immediately feels Kaito flicking his forehead and he yelps.

“Stop being a brat.” The astronaut rolls his eyes while Kokichi pouts, his eyes immediately filling with fake tears.

“Boo, Kai-chan is so _mean_ to me, I’m gonna cry! WAAAAH, Saihara-chan help me!!”

“I’m not mean, you’re just being difficult again!”

“Am not!”

“You are!”

“Am not!!”

“You are!!”

“Nu-uh!”

“Kokichi…” Kaito’s voice gets dangerously low while he squints his eyes.

The detective starts laughing at the two of them bickering, and it’s so wholehearted and sincere, it makes both Kokichi and Kaito smile.

“I’m glad to hear you’re fine, Ouma-kun, I really am. And yes, I’d love to spend more time with you”, he says warmly.

They share a look between them and while Kokichi can still sense some uneasiness from Saihara, as it’s probably difficult for him to watch the person he likes being so close with his best friend, Kokichi decides to put his trust into Saihara once again but this time as a friend, not a potential ~~lover~~ ~~significant other~~ partner in crime.

And no. Not Saihara.

**_Shuuichi_ **

“You’re right, Momota-kun, it really feels a lot better to say those things out loud.” Shuuichi says cheerfully and Kaito responds with a grin.

“See, I told you!” He says. “I’m usually right about this stuff!”

“From what I can see, you’re usually an idiot instead.” Harukawa states calmly but her words don’t hold any malice.

It makes Kaito wince anyway.

“H-hey, that’s not really true!” He yelps. “Jeez, really guys, you sure love to insult me, huh?”

Shuuichi smirks slightly while Harukawa gives out a chuckle.

Kaito scratches his beard thoughtfully. “But what about you, Harumaki? You surely have some things you want to say out loud too, right? I mean, more than the stuff you said already. We were arguing about lots of crap after all.”

The girl becomes silent, her gaze dropping to her knees.

“I do, it’s just.. difficult”, she admits reluctantly, not looking at either of them. “I already told you before, it’s the first time I care about something, about others so much. Or at least, that’s what I think, I don’t know”, she shrugs. Her eyes lock onto Kokichi. “So I will do anything to prevent anyone from taking them from me”, she says, her voice lacking any emotion despite her words sounding serious. 

Kokichi tries his best to withstand her intense gaze. It’s not so quite the murder glare she’s so famous for but it’s close second.

Harukawa sighs and some of the tension disappears. Kokichi releases a breath he didn’t even know he was holding.

“But even I have to admit defeat when I know I can’t win”, she mutters. “I’m sorry, Ouma. For choking you today, for what I said earlier, both when we talked alone and in the common room”, she says quietly. “For shooting you back then and for everything before that. Asshole or not, I shouldn’t have let my emotions get the best of me and I had, a lot of times.”

Kokichi smiles sadly.

“I took away the person you care about the most from you. Twice”, he admits. “Even I would hurt someone for that, Harukawa-chan. And” he sighs “yeah. I didn’t exactly help with constantly antagonizing you. Let’s just agree we were never meant to get along, with the way they had written us”, he shrugs.

“Fiction or not, we truly became who we are now, Ouma-kun.” Shuuichi smiles, chiming in. “So there’s no reason not to change some things, correct? It doesn’t have to be exactly the way we were written.”

“Shuuichi’s right.” Kaito grins. “Maybe you two were really made to be mortal enemies but hey. Me and you, we’re supposed to be sworn rivals, right? And look at us”, he says and his voice is warm, affectionate.

“I swear, Kaito, if you say I’m another one of your sidekicks, I _will_ hit you.” Kokichi says bitterly while his face is twisted in an ugly smile. It makes Kaito grimace.

“Hey, what’s wrong with being my sidekick?!”

“A supreme leader like me can’t be anyone’s sidekick, I’m supposed to _lead_ people, you dumbass.”

Kaito huffs. “Don’t call me a dumbass, you dumbass!”

“Very clever choice of words, Kai-chan, I’m _truly_ impressed.” Kokichi mocks, rolling his eyes. “Can you hear in my voice just how impressed I am?”

Before Kaito has the chance to respond, Harukawa sighs loudly while Shuuichi laughs, a single bark, loud and unexpected. 

“You two are such children, I swear”, the girl mutters. “I guess you’re made for each other then, so I think me and Saihara have dodged a bullet.”

“Or” Shuuichi tries to take a breath but he fails, choking on his own giggles “they’re going to be even worse together than they were separately.”

“Hm, I didn’t think about that. Shit”, she winces, shaking her head.

“We’re still here, you know?” Kaito tsks with annoyance.

“ _And_ we can hear you, clear as day.” Kokichi examines his nails, trying to look as bored as possible.

But after a moment of trying to look extremely hurt, their eyes meet and they both start to laugh. Soon, Shuuichi joins them, not able to contain his laughter anymore and Harukawa as well, lets out a laugh or two. 

The atmosphere becomes light and the serious talk is abandoned, for the sake of jokes and other topics. 

* * *

The afternoon gives way to the evening when they finally decide to part ways. Kokichi feels himself getting drowsier and drowsier, exhausted by the events that took place. 

He’s half laying, half leaning on Kaito while also hugging the astronaut’s arm and absent-mindedly playing with his fingers when Shuuichi decides it’s probably enough and they all should go back to their rooms. 

The detective makes an attempt to stand up when Harukawa locks her eyes with Kaito and clears her throat.

“Can I.. talk to you for a minute before you go?” She asks sheepishly. 

Kaito glances quickly at Kokichi who lifts his arms in order to free Kaito from his grasp. The astronaut nods at the assassin and the two of them move to the other end of the gazebo.

Kokichi watches them for a moment but turns his head away when Shuuichi sits back on the bench, sighing.

“So she decided to do it this way”, he mutters.

Kokichi lifts his brows but doesn’t ask. Instead, he notices the detective is watching him.

“If I may ask, Ouma-kun..” He slowly starts speaking but then hesitates “and you don’t have to say anything if you don’t want..”

“Just spit it out, Saihara-chan, stop beating around the bush”, he sighs tiredly. “I hate games like that.”

It’s a lie but he’s exhausted and he doesn’t want to deal with any bullshit.

“I just wanted to ask”, he takes a deep breath, his voice growing confident “because we’re all aware at this point how Momota-kun feels about you, I wanted to know” Shuuichi looks Kokichi in the eyes “if you feel the same about him too?”

The golden irises are swallowing him, pressuring him to say the truth. It’s Shuuichi’s infamous ‘detective stare’, the one with the power to force the truth out of him, whether he likes it or not.

He’s pretty sure no one but him ever noticed that.

He’s also pretty sure he just made it up.

**_god i’m so tired_ **

“I do”, he responds anyway and it’s quiet, it’s hesitant because he didn’t want to really say it, not to Shuuichi anyway, but he’s exhausted and Kaito has changed him, Kaito has made him more honest, _weaker_ even but it’s not like it matters anymore, does it?

**_does it??_ **

Shuuichi smiles and it’s a sad smile but he looks content when he nods and then stands up.

“Rest well, Ouma-kun”, he just says. “See you tomorrow.”

“You too, Saihara-chan. See you tomorrow”, mumbles Kokichi.

Shuuichi nods at him and then walks away. He stops by the gazebo’s entrance to wait for Harukawa. Kokichi looks in her and Kaito’s direction.

The assassin is fiddling with one of her ponytails while the astronaut sighs and talks about something, scratching his neck. Finally, he stops talking and the girl nods. They both smile at each other, although Harukawa’s is sad and a little bit wobbly, as if she was about to cry.

She turns around to join the detective and then they both walk away from the gazebo, leaving Kokichi and Kaito alone. The astronaut watches his sidekicks for a moment before he turns his attention towards the supreme leader.

He walks up to him and sits back on the bench with a tired sigh. Kokichi doesn’t say anything.

“Man, I’m fucking exhausted. ‘s been a day, huh?” Kaito mumbles.

Kokichi only nods.

Kaito bumps him with his shoulder. “Hey. You alright?”

“Tired, mostly”, he mumbles while watching the leaves on a nearby tree moving with the wind.

“How’s your throat? Still hurting?” The astronaut asks with a hint of worry in his voice.

Kokichi hums.

“Only when I raise my voice, so it’s fine”, he shrugs. Kaito moves closer to him and looks at the leaves as well.

“I hope you’re not gonna end up with major bruises on your neck”, he says quietly.

Kokichi doesn’t respond to that.

Now that he’s left alone with Kaito, all of the things he said to him are echoing in his mind, fueling the ever growing sense of guilt. He doesn’t know what to say, he doesn’t even know where to begin, he just knows he feels like a complete piece of shit.

So he does the one thing he knows best. He distracts himself with something else.

“What did you two talk about?” He asks.

It’s Kaito’s turn to hum thoughtfully.

“Harumaki and I?” He asks back but it’s a rhetorical question. “She apologized for what she’d said when we’d been arguing before. I apologized for not returning her feelings”, he shrugs. “She also asked if I’m serious about you.”

“And what did you say to her?” Kokichi asks, trying to sound unbothered but he can feel his heart starting to beat faster.

He doesn’t look at Kaito but he knows the other boy is watching him closely, and not the leaves anymore.

“Kokichi..” Kaito starts, his voice is low and filled with something Kokichi doesn’t know how to name. It makes the supreme leader’s breath hitch a little which in turn makes his throat hurt. The shorter boy doesn’t react to that. “Will you look at me?”

Kokichi turns around to face him, albeit reluctantly. It takes him another moment to look Kaito in the eyes and when he does that, he freezes in place.

The magenta eyes are slightly darkened, whether it’s because of the light of the day slowly escaping and giving way to the darkness of the night, or all the feelings reflected in the irises, Kokichi doesn’t know. What he does know is that the sole power of this gaze is enough to stop him from completely moving.

He’s drowning. They’re like a never ending space ocean and he’s drowning in them.

Subconsciously, he opens his mouth in an attempt to get a breath of fresh air, even though he doesn’t really need it.

“Kichi.. I _am_ serious about you.” Kaito says. “So serious it actually scares me, y’know? But I meant every word I said back there”, he takes a deep breath. Kokichi is listening to every sound he makes, as if hypnotized. “I.. dammit, why is it so hard?” He laughs nervously.

He takes Kokichi’s injured, bandaged hands into his own. The supreme leader briefly looks at their intertwined fingers but then he comes back to Kaito’s face and he doesn’t really know if he’s still light headed from being choked or maybe he completely lost what was left of his mind.

Kaito’s eyes are glowing, the stars reflecting in the vast pool of the magenta irises. Are the stars even visible on the sky already? Kokichi has no idea.

But he understands now just why Kaito is so enamored with them. His eyes, the stars hidden within them, are truly breathtaking.

“Hey, Earth to Kichi, are you still with me?” He hears the astronaut’s amused voice.

He blinks twice, slowly coming back to reality.

Has he drifted away that much?

“Y-yeah”, he mutters. His voice is raspy so he clears his throat. It hurts so he winces. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine, really.” Kaito chuckles. “You just looked like you saw something you’ve never seen before.”

**I did. And it’s beautiful. You’re beautiful**

But he doesn’t say that out loud.

“Hey, Kichi” Kaito whispers, slowly pulling Kokichi’s hands close to his face. “I.. I love you.”

And then he kisses them. Kokichi feels himself blushing, he stops breathing for a moment and just watches Kaito planting feather light kisses on his knuckles, in the places that aren’t covered in bandages.

He wants to run away. He’s scared. He’s never felt something like this before and he’s terrified.

He feels like he’s going to die at any given moment. 

And yet..

_He’s never been happier in his life._

**_believe, just let me believe_ **

“I’m broken, useless and yet.. you love me?” He asks, unsure, scared that Kaito’s gonna say it’s only a joke and thus, will take away all of his hopes and dreams.

He wants, _needs_ Kaito to confirm he’s not dreaming. He _needs_ to believe it’s not going to just disappear.

He’s so fucking dependent on Kaito, so _hopelessly_ pathetic it’s almost unbelievable. What happened to him, when did he change into such a _mess_?

“I don’t care if you’re broken or not, Kichi. If we were to go through another killing game, I.. I would gladly give my life for you”, he replies softly but he’s confident in his words. “Let me be your strength, just like you are mine.”

Kokichi just watches him, his heart swelling with slowly growing hope, his mind filled with swirling thoughts, all of them repeating the same. 

**_kaito loves me_ **

Even his -second voice- is quiet now, not disturbing the moment.

Kaito must’ve taken his silence and lack of reaction the wrong way because a moment later he’s pulling away, those beautiful eyes stuck looking at the floor and he laughs nervously, dejection slowly blooming over his usually shining face.

“O-of course, it’s up to you. I.. dammit”, he grimaces, closing his eyes. “I really went and put you on the spot, huh? I assumed you’re feeling the same since y-you didn’t mind” he briefly glances at Kokichi, his cheeks reddening “when i kissed you, I mean. And you were calling me ‘your beloved’. And.. shit. But you might as well not like it and now I feel like an idiot”, he murmurs. “Dammit, it’s so fucking embarrassing.”

Kokichi isn’t really listening to his rambling, more focused on the fact that Kaito’s slipping further and further away and that’s terrifying, the thought of Kokichi being alone yet again is terrifying and **_please, not again, please, I’ve been so good, I’ve apologized for what I’d done, please don’t leave me alone, please come back_**

“D-don’t go”, he whimpers and he immediately hates how his voice sounds but he can’t stop the panic rising in his head, he can’t stop his hand from reaching to Kaito and he can’t calm his shaking body enough to pretend that he’s fine, that everything’s alright and honestly, who even cares.

No, he’s too busy breaking down at the mere thought of Kaito leaving him behind.

Who was that Ouma Kokichi from mere hours ago, who thought he’d be fine with pushing Kaito away, and what happened to him?

The new, _emotional_ Kokichi would like to know his address.

“Hey, it’s fine, I got you”, he hears Kaito say and indeed, a moment later the astronaut hugs him close to his chest. 

Kokichi takes a deep, shaky breath and closes his eyes, focusing on Kaito’s heartbeat. 

The astronaut slowly rocks them back and forth, stroking Kokichi’s back with one of his hands.

“I just scared you again, didn’t I?” Kaito finally mutters and Kokichi can feel his voice vibrating in his chest. He doesn’t say anything. “I’m sorry.”

 ** _What? No-_** “..you don’t need to be sorry. I just..”, -.. ** _want to say ‘I love you too’ but I can’t,_** he takes a deep breath, Kaito’s scent further calming him down. He slowly chooses his words. “I lied a lot today. I don’t want” **_you to leave_** “to say goodbye”, he mumbles into Kaito’s hoodie.

“Then I won’t.” Kaito just simply says, hugging Kokichi even tighter. “I promise.”

“You’ll get tired of me.”

“I won’t.”

“You’ll want out.”

“I don’t think I will.”

“I’ll.. I’ll scare you off. I know that”, he backs away and looks at Kaito who’s watching him closely.

“Kokichi.. If you don’t believe in yourself, you can believe in me who believes in you”, he smiles softly but then immediately chuckles with embarrassment. “I always wanted to say that.”

Kokichi blinks a few times, dumbfounded, and then starts to giggle himself.

“Dork. Way to ruin the mood with your weird taste in shows”, he shakes his head.

“They’re brilliant shows, y’know.” Kaito grins. “What I meant is.. I believe in you. I want to be there for you, if you let me in. But it’s up to you if you want that too, I can’t.. _I won’t_ force you in any way”, he sighs. “If you don’t want me in the way I want you, it’s okay. Even if you lie a lot, I want you to be true to your feelings.”

“I do..” Kokichi mutters quietly but Kaito doesn’t hear him.

“I.. I’m so proud of you. You’ve done so well today, you’ve been so brave, telling everyone what you really feel”, the astronaut’s clearly rambling and Kokichi can see just how nervous he is. He doesn’t even look at the supreme leader anymore. “I can’t even imagine how difficult it must’ve been for you, especially since you don’t trust others at all. I.. You’ve grown so much, Kichi, I can’t even wrap my mind around how much you’ve changed in such a short time”, he takes a deep breath and finally, _finally_ the magenta eyes are focused on Kokichi again.

**And who do you think is to blame for that, Kaito?**

“I do”, he just repeats and it’s the closest he’ll come to saying ‘I love you too’ in this moment so he has no other choice than to take it.

He hopes Kaito can take it as well.

Kaito blinks, clearly confused.

“Huh?” He breathes.

“Do I really h-have to spell it for you?” Kokichi rolls his eyes in annoyance but he stutters, the coward in him wanting nothing more than to run away and hide and yet **_i can’t be that person anymore, kaito just said i’ve changed-_** “Jeez, Kai-chan, you’re insufferable”, he huffs and then nervously licks his lips. “I. Meant. _I. Do._ Want you in t-that way, that is.”

“Oh.” Kaito mumbles, his eyes clearly focused on something else, somewhere below Kokichi’s own eyes. “Wait, what”, he suddenly deadpans, his attention snapping back to the supreme leader’s annoyed face.

“I won’t repeat it again, no way”, he almost whimpers, growing red under Kaito’s incredulous expression. “Your fault if you weren’t paying attention, space idiot.”

“I..” Kaito lets out a short, quick laugh, a bark almost and then he covers his face with his hands. The magenta eyes peek at Kokichi from between his fingers. “Y-you’re not lying, are you? I _fucking swear_ , Kokichi, _I won’t forgive you if you’re lying_ ”, he says through his gritted teeth, his body slightly trembling.

Kokichi is trembling himself, his heart beating so loud he can barely hear anything else.

“I’m not”, he mutters, his eyes widening. Kaito doesn’t believe him. He needs to convince him he’s telling the truth for once. “There’s no way I would lie about that”, he assures him, sounding just a tad too desperate. His mind is going blank with the sudden wave of anxiety and fear, a mantra echoing within his thoughts.

**_please believe me please believe me please believe me please believe me_ **

“I do, I already told you that.” Kaito breathes with relief overwhelming his voice. Did.. _did he say that out loud?_ “I-If you’re saying it’s not a lie, then I believe you.”

And just like that, it’s over. Kokichi’s fear suddenly disappears, leaving him exhausted, dizzy and hurting.

He starts laughing, no sound escaping his throat.

“L-look at us”, he mumbles. “M-me telling the truth for once and y-you.. believing a liar”, he shakes his head again.

“Yeah.” Kaito smiles faintly. “We’ve changed so fucking much, huh?”

“W-we did.” Kokichi stammers, tripping over his words.

Only now he realizes that it’s already night and he’s actually shivering, but whether it’s from the cold or his intense emotions, he has no idea.

He feels something heavy fall onto his knees. When he looks at it, it turns out to be Kaito’s grey hoodie. He glances at the astronaut who’s scratching his neck while his face is beet red.

“You’re trembling”, he mumbles. “And I’m used to the cold, so..”

Kokichi smiles.

“Thanks.. _boyfriend_.”

“W-what?!” Kaito sputters while the supreme leader puts on the hoodie. 

It’s warm, soft and smells like its owner, Kokichi immediately loves it. Kaito’s not getting it back for sure.

“Aren’t we boyfriends now?” He muses with an ever growing smirk on his face. “Or does Kai-chan plan on breaking my heart so soon? I-I’m gonna cry, if that’s the case, y’know?” He sniffs, fake tears already forming in his eyes.

Sure, he’s barely keeping them open, exhaustion eating away at his body, but there’s no way he’ll ever pass up an opportunity to mess with Kaito.

“I don’t!” The astronaut yelps. “B-boyfriends, huh?” He mutters, more so to himself than to Kokichi, a dumb smile forming on his face.

“Yeah..” The supreme leader also smiles, feeling his stomach being tormented by gigantic butterflies. “And as my boyfriend, it is your duty to carry me back to your room!”

“Sure, but.. my room?” He asks, immediately standing up.

“Kai-chan’s bed is more comfortable than mine”, he shrugs. “Can’t believe you willingly spent so many nights in my room when you had a completely fine bed in yours.”

“Do you really want me to answer that?” Kaito shakes his head while he crouches in front of Kokichi.

The supreme leader puts his arms around his neck, smiling mischievously. 

“No”, he hums. He lifts his brows when Kaito moves one of his arms to look at his palm.

“Does it still hurt?”, he mutters and kisses the unbandaged skin.

“N-no” is Kokichi’s answer while he tries his best not to gasp. “O-only now I realize just how touchy feely you are.”

“Well, learn to deal with that”, the astronaut grunts. 

Kokichi watches his lips moving while he talks. He subconsciously wets his own lips with his tongue. 

_Ah, he wants Kaito to kiss him._

“A-and yet, even after you told me you love me, you still haven’t kissed me”, he blurts out before he can even think about what he’s saying. 

**It’s just teasing** , he thinks to himself immediately after that, embarrassed. **I’m just gonna laugh and tell Kaito that I was joking. Yes. Exactly, I’m just gonna..**

His gaze goes up and locks itself on the magenta eyes that are slowly darkening when the astronaut realizes what Kokichi has just said.

Kokichi instantly forgets what he wanted to do.

“Well.. do you want me to?” Kaito asks, his voice dangerously low. 

Kokichi’s breath hitches but he manages to withstand Kaito’s gaze, his body getting weak under its power. He had no idea Kaito, anyone, could look at him like _that_.

As if he’s the only thing Kaito wanted in the whole world.

“Y-yes”, he breathes out, realizing that it’s not a lie. He wants this, he truly does.

He’s rewarded with a _smirk, the fucker’s smirking-_ from the astronaut as Kaito moves closer to him. 

And then, the world explodes when Kaito finally kisses him.

His lips are slightly dry from the cold air but they taste like stars and planets, and hopes, and dreams, and Kokichi has no idea if any of those things even _have a taste,_ let alone if he should be able to recognize them, but it’s not like he cares.

What matters is the boy next to him, whose strong arms are wrapped around his waist, whose scent is enveloping him like a warm cloud filled with silent promises of heaven and paradise. 

This kiss is as familiar as it is different from all the ones that happened before. If Kokichi wasn’t practically _melting_ in Kaito’s embrace, he’d be able to feel all the love and care hidden behind each touch flitting through the skin, each gasp consumed by greedy lips. They weren’t there before, not in that capacity at least.

He would also be able to sense the urgency, desperation and eagerness conveyed in the way Kaito’s lips move against his own, as if the astronaut had to cherish each and every second of what’s happening between them. As if Kokichi was to disappear at any given moment and never come back.

He would but he doesn’t, as his own touches, muffled whimpers and moves are just as desperate as Kaito’s, if not more. 

Their bodies, _their lips_ fit against each other like a perfect puzzle that’s shining in the warm morning sun, reflecting the perfect shade of white, the very same milk puzzle they both love playing with so much.

Kokichi wishes this moment could last eternity but sadly, it cannot, and they have to pull back, flustered and gasping for air, looking at each other with a strange mix of uncertainty and adoration.

“Come live with me.” Kaito blurts out suddenly, as soon as he catches his breath. “I’m not letting you vanish on me after we leave this place so please, come live with me”, he pleads while his magenta eyes, shining and desperate, are boring into Kokichi’s soul.

“Okay”, he just says, his voice quiet and calm, while also nodding his head. 

He’s not able to say ‘no’ when Kaito’s looking at him like that.

His heart skips a beat when the astronaut beams at him, obviously delighted by his answer. 

He has no chance to recover, to put up a wall of jokes and pranks, before Kaito suddenly pulls him closer and kisses him again, this time more heated, with badly hidden passion and excitement but just as Kokichi leans into it, responding as best as he can, the kiss ends and he finds himself next to Kaito’s face, looking into those beautiful eyes he’s come to love so much, watching him while love, care and attachment are swirling within them.

He'd say he’s disappointed but he’s too overwhelmed by all the affection he’s being showered with.

“I love you, Kichi.” Kaito whispers while slowly stroking Kokichi’s cheek. “Love you so much.” He closes his eyes, linking their foreheads together.

“Me too”, mouths Kokichi, no sound escaping his throat, so that Kaito is not able to hear nor see it.

_Someday, he’ll be able to say it out loud. Proudly, just like Kaito confessed today._

_Yes.. someday._

They stay like this for a moment, neither of them saying anything, reveling in having the other one so close. The magic of the moment is ruined only when it’s Kaito’s turn to start shivering from the cold.

“O-okay, it’s getting really chilly”, the astronaut says while gritting his teeth. “We should probably head back, huh?”

“Yeah. Otherwise you’re gonna turn into ice and I’m _not_ dealing with that”, he huffs, his mind still fuzzy from the kissing.

He can feel his lips are swollen too, when he runs over them with his tongue.

He waits for Kaito to get ready and crouch in front of him so he can get on his back, the same way he always does. Once he’s secured, his cane also in Kaito’s hands, they slowly walk to the astronaut’s room.

They don’t talk during the walk; they don’t have to. More than enough has already been said between them for just one day and Kokichi is more than content to just let Kaito carry him in silence. 

When they reach Kaito’s room and finally also his bed, Kaito places the supreme leader on the soft mattress and then searches for another sweatshirt for himself as the nights are getting cold. Only when he lays next to Kokichi, the other boy relaxes, crawling into Kaito’s embrace.

For the first time in forever, he sleeps through the whole night without any nightmares.

* * *

_“Hey, Ouma. No idea if you can even hear me but I’ve heard from the nurses that you can still hear shit in a coma so, heh, guess I’m gonna talk. It’s not like you can do anything about that, can you? ... It feels weird to talk to myself though, without you constantly annoying the shit outta me. Well.. Haha. Man, I don’t even know what I should be talking about, it’s awkward.”_

**_…._ **

_“Well, you’re probably gonna be pissed after you wake up. Turns out the whole shit was fake and I also fucked up your plan, so yeah, sorry about that.”_

**_…._ **

_“But I don’t think it was all for nothing, y’know? I mean, the whole thing helped Shuuichi, Harumaki and Yumeno defeat the mastermind and get out, so.. yeah. We.. we didn’t die for nothing, man. We won against the stupid bear and the mastermind, even if from the sidelines.”_

**_…_ **

_“Umm, listen man. I.. I’m sorry I killed you. I wish we hadn’t had to do that and I’m.. I’m just sorry I guess.”_

**_…_ **

_“So yeah, you better wake up soon, alright? Everybody’s waiting and.. I want to show them you’re not actually a bad guy, okay? Okay. Talk to you tomorrow then.”_

* * *

_“Hey, Ouma. I met with Shuuichi and Harumaki today. They’re.. tired but they’re doing okay. They both started crying when they saw me, haha. We’re even gonna train later in the evening and I’m excited, it’s been awhile. And.. I don’t have my illness anymore so I can actually break a sweat!”_

**_…_ **

_“It’s weird, right? Still can’t believe everything was fake, even me coughing up blood and shit. Shirogane’s one crazy bitch, I’m actually glad she’s not here, haha. I don’t wanna hurt a girl but if I saw her.. I don’t think I’d be able to resist. We went through hell because of her.. sick fantasies.”_

**_…_ **

_“Some of us still are.. Iruma barely leaves her room ever since she woke up, and Toujo told me she has nightmares every night. And Shuuichi, he.. broke down in tears in front of Akamatsu, when he saw her this morning. It was almost impossible to calm him down, y’know?”_

**_…_ **

_“I.. still have to pretend to be a hero in front of them. It’s tough, man, I’m not a hero they see me as and it’s.. so fucking overwhelming. I can’t top up what I did during the game, when I was dying anyway and had nothing to lose. I can’t meet their expectations, especially Harumaki’s.. I.. I’ve actually ran away from them to come talk to you instead. I’m sure Shuuichi has already noticed but.. haha. Man, I’m so fucking pathetic. A man shouldn’t cry so easily and yet..”_

**_…_ **

_“A-anyway, don’t keep us waiting, man, and just wake up already! Gonta’s been asking about you a lot and you better not leave the big dude hanging!”_

**_…_ **

_“Okay, gotta go now. See you tomorrow, man!”_

* * *

_“Hey, Ouma, umm.. Are you alright, man? It’s been three weeks already, aren’t you going to wake up? Everyone else is already back, well except Kiibo and Shirogane, but yeah, not like we’re going to see **them** anytime soon.”_

**_…_ **

_“I mean, Kiibo was just an AI and Shirogane’s.. Shirogane. So we’re only waiting for you, alright? I hope it’s not another stupid prank of yours and you’re gonna come back to us soon.”_

**_…_ **

_“Harumaki won’t ever tell you that, she says she hates your guts but.. even she’s gonna be relieved once you’re around again, bothering the shit outta her, haha. And Shuuichi too, I often find him outside your door when I leave and I can tell he’s worried as hell, even if we don’t talk about that. So yeah. Better wake up soon or I’m gonna kick your ass!”_

**_…_ **

_“I’m not joking, man. I know you hate jokes and it’s not one. It’s a man’s promise, I’m gonna kick your annoying ass back into the stratosphere if you’re not back here with us soon.”_

**_…_ **

_“Okay. Good talk, man. See you tomorrow.”_

* * *

_“Hey, Ouma, are.. no, fuck this. Are you fucking kidding me, Ouma? It’s been three months already… Are you even gonna wake up at all at this point? I’ve been coming here every single fucking day and you’re still the same, still connected to machines and.. fuck, man, you look like a doll. You’re just so small and pale and **weak** , you never looked like that, not even when you were dying. It’s not you, Ouma, it’s not fucking you..“_

**_…_ **

_“I.. Just wake up already. Annoy the shit outta me, make me so mad I can’t think about anything else than just chasing you around the garden. It’s big, y’know? Big and full of hiding spots, you’ll love it.. Just..”_

**_…_ **

_“..please, come back, Kokichi. It’s so fucking boring without you, just come back and start lying to me, pull pranks on me, anything, just please open your eyes and show me you’re still here, I beg of you..”_

**_…_ **

_“I refuse to give up on you, you hear me? If you’re not gonna wake up on your own, I’m gonna go to hell and pull you out of there myself, whether you’re screaming or not. So stop fucking scaring me, man up and wake the fuck up already. It’s not funny anymore, you little shit.”_

**_…_ **

_“Huh.. Who am I kidding.. I have no idea if you can even hear me.. if you’re still breathing or if it’s the machines doing it for you..”_

**_…_ **

_“Alright, I’m done for today.. See you tomorrow, I guess.”_

* * *

When he wakes up, the first thing he feels are tears. His tears. He’s crying. Whether it’s because of the sun rays softly kissing his cheeks or the sterile white walls of the room he’s in, he doesn’t know. He doesn’t want to know.

**Ah. Is that how the afterlife feels like? It’s… nice**

He feels something or _someone?_ move beside him and suddenly an arm lands on his stomach, the weight of it snatching the breath away from his lungs, forcing him to yelp. He immediately hears a quiet groan somewhere close to his ear while the arm grabs him by his waist and pulls him closer to its owner.

He can feel something coarse scratching his cheek; waves of warm air enveloping the skin of his face.

**The afterlife? More like heaven, it seems**

_Does someone like him even deserve to go to heaven?_

_Well, it’s not like it matters anyway._

Kokichi smiles and slowly wiggles around, trying to make himself more comfortable while making sure he doesn’t accidently wake up Kaito. It’s still extremely early, judging by the sun, so there’s no need for them to get up just yet.

They’re gonna need all the energy they can get, after all, today everything is going to change.

For the better.

He carefully wipes out the rest of the tears from his face, wondering what he had to dream of for him to cry. He doesn’t remember. He hasn’t had any vivid dreams ever since..

_..ever since Kaito and him became boyfriends those few weeks ago._

Kokichi smiles softly once he’s satisfied with how he’s nestled against his boyfriend, _his boyfriend, god, he loves how it sounds_ , and closes his eyes, fully intent on napping some more before they’ll have to start the day.

..but then, not even a minute later, someone starts violently pounding on the door to Kokichi’s room, making them both jump in shock.

“Come on, _fuckbirds_ , it’s time for you to wake the fuck up!!!” Miu is shouting from behind the door, not stopping with the aggressive knocking. “It’s a brand new fucking day and we’re finally getting out of this hellhole!!”

“Well fuck you too, Iruma-chan!” Kokichi yells back, wanting nothing more than to strangle the blonde girl with toilet paper again, this time by himself.

He hears the girl whimper for a short moment but she quickly recovers and starts laughing harshly.

“Well, everyone’s already stuffing their mouth holes with food so you better stop making out, put on your pretty rainbow panties and get out of the closet already!”

“What you just said doesn’t make sense at all, you dumb whore!” He huffs, rolling his eyes.

He decides to ignore Miu’s attempts at dissing them and instead turns to Kaito.

The astronaut looks as happy about the whole ordeal, as Kokichi feels, which means not at all. He sighs and slowly sits up while scratching the stubble on his cheek. Once he catches the supreme leader’s gaze on him, he smiles slightly.

“Hi”, he mutters, his voice still raspy from sleep. Kokichi’s heartbeat picks up a little.

“Hi”, he says back.

“Today’s big day, hmm?” Kaito purrs, his smile growing.

Kokichi can’t help but chuckle softly, not his usual ‘Nishishi~’ but a genuine laughter.

“That’s right. The last day in this place. Can’t wait to finally get out and _not_ see those ugly nurses ever again, thank you very much.”

Kaito laughs as well, the sound low and pleasant.

“We better get going then, right? _Especially_ since Iruma already woke us up”, he says and gets up from the bed. He immediately goes to the wooden shelves, fishing for his clothes.

They’ve moved some of Kaito’s stuff into Kokichi’s room a long time ago, when he started sleeping over every night. They’ve done the same with Kokichi’s clothes when they began switching between the rooms too.

Well, not like either of them had much to begin with.

The more valuable stuff, some trinkets, the starry lamp, a few books and their documents are already packed in one big box that’s standing next to one of the walls, close to the door. Kokichi jumps out of the bed and throws the galaxy blanket on the top of the box.

They’re _not_ leaving it behind, no way.

“It’s the first time in months that I’m not gonna wear hospital stuff or sweatpants.” Kaito laughs, putting on a NASA t-shirt. “Feels weird.”

“It does”, he replies.

The hospital staff has left them their so called ‘pregame uniforms’ for today, which basically means the old uniforms their previous selves used to wear. They did it because Team Danganronpa wants to hide them from the fans of the show for a little longer, at least until they’re settled down.

Kokichi’s blood starts boiling at the mere thoughts of them still being their puppets. It was him who suggested they should all ditch them and just be themselves, which meant neither the talentless high schoolers nor the Ultimates from the Killing Game.

From what Kokichi was told, most of them felt like combinations of both.

He himself isn’t sure, as he has no memories of his previous self, not even the name. But it’s not like he particularly cares.

He is who he is, he’s already decided that. Whether fake, real or something between those two, it doesn’t matter.

_He’s alive._

_His lover is alive._

_His ~~friends~~ ~~underlings~~ FRIENDS are alive._

_His future is alive._

“Are you ready?” Kaito asks once he puts on a purple sweater that Toujo has knitted for him.

Kokichi smiles, his arms drowning in the sleeves of Kaito’s too big, almost too comfy grey hoodie.

Scratch that. _Kokichi’s hoodie._

“Yup~!” He twirls around, a dumb grin on his face. “How do I look?”

“You look like a child.” Kaito snorts with laughter but Kokichi can see his face slightly flushing.

His grin gets even wider.

“ _Perfect_ ”, he purrs. “Alright, Kai-chan, we can go now.”

Kaito hands him his cane and they both leave the room, heading towards the cafeteria. Kaito is walking slowly on purpose, so that the shorter boy is able to catch up to him at ease.

Kokichi is quiet, reminiscing about the last months they spent at this place. He remembers the first time the two of them drove to the cafeteria, when Kokichi thought everyone hated him for what he’d done.

Turns out he was wrong. Turns out they were scared and his paranoia made it look like he was hated.

He’s glad he was wrong.

When they enter the cafeteria, the first thing they hear is the chatter of 12 people talking, and also Miu yelling.

“Finally! We were waiting for you two to stop fucking so we can all eat already!” She huffs.

“Did you wait for us, guys?” Kaito asks, lifting his brows, as they both sit at the table that’s already filled with food.

Shuuichi nods at them while reaching for a toast. “We asked the cafeteria ladies to prepare breakfast for us, as it’s our last day. Or, more accurately”, he shakes his head with a smile. “Akamatsu-san and Amami-san thought of that.”

Akamatsu rolls her eyes. “Oh, stop it, Saihara-kun, it was Amami-kun’s idea, not mine.”

“Oh wow, and they agreed?” Kaito blinks twice. “They _hate_ us.”

Kokichi can’t help but laugh shortly. “I think you meant to say that ‘they hate us, except for Amami-chan’.”

Amami laughs, slightly embarrassed. “I wasn’t joking when I said I need a repellent for the nurses, y’know guys?”

Kaito shakes his head but he smiles anyway. “Whatever, man.”

They finish their breakfast while laughing and joking, although the atmosphere is slightly tense. They’re all scared of the unknown, they’re afraid of what Team Danganronpa is going to force them to do. 

They’re still broken. They’re still fragile.

But at least they’re not all alone in this, they have each other.

When they leave the cafeteria, they all decide to hang out in the common room once more, as they still have some time. Kokichi stops in one place, deciding not to join them.

Kaito turns around and shoots him a questioning look. Kokichi smiles and shakes his head, then he shoos him away with his hand. Kaito lifts one of his eyebrows but doesn’t say anything, simply leaves with everyone else.

Well, almost everyone.

Toujo stops next to Kokichi, smiling at him. He smiles back and they both go towards the patient rooms. 

Once they’re in her room, she pulls up two small packages from one of the boxes, as Kokichi sits on her bed.

“I am not certain if they are exactly like you had them in mind” she says slowly, handing the packages to Kokichi “but I do hope you like them.”

The boy slowly and carefully unwraps the packaging, revealing two hand knitted checkered scarves. He smiles warmly, tying one of them on his neck.

It feels warm. It feels right.

_He missed it so much._

“They’re perfect, Toujo-chan!” He exclaims, not even bothering to tease the girl with his lies. She did a huge favor to him after all. “Thank you.”

“It was a pleasure, Ouma-kun. I’m glad you like them”, she says with a warm, motherly smile. 

“Nishishi, of course I do! There’s no way I wouldn’t like them when they’re made by mom!”

“I am not your mom, but”, she shakes her head with a sigh “thank you. Should we head out to the common room now?”

Kokichi nods, hiding the second scarf in the pocket of his hoodie. Both him and Toujo leave her room and head out to join the rest.

* * *

_“Hey, Amami-chan.” Kokichi started, his voice unsure._

_Rantarou looked at him with small curiosity. “What is it, Ouma-kun?”_

_They were eating breakfast in the cafeteria, just the two of them, as Kokichi had insisted they needed to get up earlier than the others._

_“I think.. I think I want to restart DICE.” Kokichi said out of the blue._

_Rantarou hummed, buttering his toast._

_“You mean your organization from the game? If that’s what you want”, he shrugged._

_“I.. know the memories are fake but, when I think of what kind of organization I want to lead.. and I **do** want one” Kokichi hesitated, looking at his scrambled eggs, ruining them more with his fork. “It can only be DICE, y’know?”_

_“Then go for it.” Amami smiled. “If you’re asking me to join you, sure. I’m your right hand man, right?”_

_Kokichi smiled, his face visibly relaxing. “You are, Amami-chan. In fact, I’ve already asked Toujo-chan to make a scarf for you too.”_

_“A scarf? You mean the checkered one you were wearing in the game?” The other boy lifted his brows. When Kokichi nodded at him, he nodded back. “I see. So that’s what it was.”_

_Kokichi grinned and returned to mercilessly torturing his already smashed eggs. Rantarou stopped moving for a moment, clearly lost in thought._

_“Amami-chan?”_

_“I think you should give one to Momota-kun first. A scarf, I mean”, he said slowly. “Otherwise, I seriously fear for my life.”_

_Kokichi giggled under his nose, still keeping that big grin of his._

_“Don’t worry, Amami-chan, already took care of that. I asked Toujo-chan to make several but she only has materials for two right now”, he explained while rubbing his nose. “And one’s for me, obviously.”_

_“Oh.” Rantarou smiled. “Give the second one to Momota-kun then.”_

_“You really think so?” Kokichi hummed while watching Rantarou closely. “He’s not gonna steal your job though, y’know? He’s not a ‘right hand man’ material.”_

_“More like a ‘partner in crime’, huh?” Rantarou laughed. “It’s fine, Ouma-kun, I can wait. And besides, I’m sure Momota-kun will be happy.”_

_Kokichi nodded to himself while smiling softly. “Okie! My, Amami-chan, you’re so thoughtful! I’m glad I’ve chosen you as my right hand man!”_

_Because that had been his plan all along, he’d just wanted to test the waters. He was actually glad the other boy had offered it himself._

_He was right to put his trust in Amami Rantarou._

* * *

His scarf doesn’t go unnoticed when they arrive in the common room. First, he gets a curious look from Shuuichi but the detective doesn’t say anything. 

Then Miu notices it and she comments on it loudly, stating that she can’t believe he found the ugly thing again. He rolls his eyes at that and tells her she’s the only ugly thing there, which makes her squeal.

He shares a small smile with Rantarou who’s playing cards with Harukawa, Shinguuji and Hoshi on the floor. Then he also looks back at Toujo and shares the same smile with her.

Gonta, Miu, Akamatsu, Rantarou, Toujo, Shuuichi. Six. It’s a good start and maybe, with time, he’ll ask the others to join too. 

Maybe they’ll all become the new and improved DICE, freed from the Killing Game and Team Danganronpa’s influence. 

For now, six is enough, even if only one actually knows. But he’ll have to wait for Toujo to make those six scarves and then he’ll ask them, hoping they’ll say yes. 

For now, he has to create DICE again first. And he doesn’t want to do it alone this time.

Kokichi’s smile grows bigger as Kaito notices him too and points at the scarf tied on the other boy’s neck. Kokichi does his best to shoot him the most innocent look he’s able to muster.

The biggest challenge of them all, to ask Momota Kaito, the _hero_ , to join his secret ~~evil~~ organization. 

No, scratch. To _create_ one with him. 

Much better.

But he doesn’t go to the astronaut immediately. Instead he sits next to Akamatsu and Shuuichi and engages in a conversation with them, pretending he doesn’t notice Kaito watching him. He waits and waits until curiosity finally wins in the astronaut.

What he didn’t anticipate is that it apparently involves being swept out of his feet and thrown over Kaito’s shoulder. 

He lets out the most embarrassing of squeaks, and a moment later he’s met with shocked faces of both Akamatsu and Shuuichi while he swings off of Kaito’s back. He’s sure his own face has a similar expression.

“‘m borrowing this one for a moment.” Kaito mutters and, not explaining anything to anyone, carries Kokichi out of the room. 

The supreme leader only limits himself to angry grumbling and making sure he doesn’t accidentally drop the other scarf hidden in his pocket.

Once he’s back on the ground, they’re in Kaito’s room. It’s been cleaned and devoid of any signs of life for a few days now, since Kaito has been staying in Kokichi’s room instead.

Kokichi lifts one of his brows but then quickly pouts, pretending he’s upset.

“What’s with the manhandling?” He mumbles angrily. “D-did you want me to break a bone or get a bruise?” He sniffs and takes a deep breath to start his usual ‘ _WAAAAAH KAITO IS SO MEAN_ ’ fake crying shtick.

“Cut the crap.” Kaito just says. “What’s with the scarf?”

“Oh, this one?” He grabs the soft material with his fingers and lifts it up. “I asked Toujo-chan to make it for me. She did a great job, right?” He smiles, fake tears completely forgotten.

Kaito doesn’t say anything for a moment and then he sighs, a worried look painted over his face.

“It looks well made but..”, he hesitates. “Is it okay? I mean, it looks the same as..”

“..the one I had in the simulation?” Kokichi finishes Kaito’s sentence. “I know. It’s okay, I wanted it to be like that.”

“Why?”

“I..”, he hesitates and then sits on the bed, not looking at Kaito. “What was in your motive video?” He asks.

“You mean the one from Toujo’s case?” Kaito scratches his neck and sits next to Kokichi. “They got switched, remember? Shuuichi got mine and he said it was about my grandparents”, he shrugs. “I mean, only Toujo got her own, right?”

“No, it wasn’t just Toujo-chan”, he smiles sadly. “I got my own too, back then.”

Kaito winces slightly and immediately throws his arm over the supreme leader, gently rubbing on his shoulders.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asks gently and Kokichi is thankful for Kaito asking instead of pressuring him to answer.

They both have grown so much. 

“I had an organization. I know, it wasn’t real, but at the time when I watched the video.. It might have as well _been real_ ”, he smiles sadly. “There were eleven of us, including me, and we called ourselves DICE”, he frowns. 

“DICE? I think.. I heard you talk about that during your sleep once or twice.” Kaito says slowly. 

Kokichi hums. He squishes away the memory of nine people he loved, all beaten up, miserable, covered in pink hued blood. He pushes back the thoughts of that one missing person, whose name he couldn’t even recall.

“DICE was a group of clowns that lived day by day while having fun”, he smiles fondly, trying to piece together the fabricated images in his head. “We had.. one rule that was absolute and no one was to _ever break it._ ”

“What rule?” Kaito asks, still rubbing his shoulders.

“No killing”, he says slowly. “We were never to kill anyone. We could pull pranks, we could make jokes of people but killing wasn’t allowed. And everyone abided by that rule.”

Kaito takes a deep breath and Kokichi tenses slightly, the scarf in his hoodie almost burning.

**_please don’t assume I’m lying_ **

“So that’s why you..” Kaito mutters and Kokichi doesn’t hear any disbelief in his voice. No, Kaito sounds as if he finally understood.

The shorter boy smiles. “Yeah. That’s why I hated the Killing Game so much and wanted to end it, no matter the price.”

Kaito nods to himself and for a moment neither of them say a word. The astronaut is still focused on Kokichi’s words while the supreme leader doesn’t know what to say next.

How to properly convey his feelings.

_-Just.. Take a deep breath. And say out loud what you’d say to yourself. Or to me-_

**_…_ **

He listens anyway.

Kokichi takes a deep breath, fingers reaching for the small package in his pocket. He turns to face Kaito who’s still looking at him, magenta eyes glistening with care.

“I want to restart DICE”, he says simply, the same thing he said to Amami days ago. “I want it to be real this time”, he adds, his voice getting weaker, his words speeding up.

Kaito is only watching him, not saying anything. It makes Kokichi even more nervous.

“Would.. would you..”, he pulls the package from his hoodie and places it on his lap. “Would you start DICE with me?”

When Kaito doesn’t immediately answer, Kokichi closes his eyes, too scared of rejection, too afraid to look at the astronaut’s face.

He has half a mind to blurt out that **_it’s a lie, Kai-chan, it was just a prank, I actually got this one for Amami-chan and just wanted to pull a cruel prank on you_** when he feels Kaito’s hands slowly taking the package away from his fingers. He doesn’t hold onto it, no, he lets Kaito take it.

He hears paper tearing; then nothing. 

He hears some shuffling; then nothing.

He feels a hand slowly caressing his own; but hears nothing.

He slowly opens his eyes.

Kaito’s not looking at him anymore, instead he’s looking at the floor, his face aggressively red. A black and white checkered scarf is tied on his neck. 

Kokichi feels his heart flip and he can’t stop a huge grin forming on his face.

“I look stupid.” Kaito mutters, trying to hide his face in his palms. 

Kokichi doesn’t let him, grabbing them with his own.

“No, you don’t. You look amazing and everyone saying otherwise is dumber than Iruma-chan”, he purrs, his face practically glowing. Then, he reflects for a moment. “Does that mean ‘yes’, Kai-chan?”

“W-what do you think, you idiot?” Kaito huffs. “I wouldn’t put this on otherwise.”

Kokichi laughs shortly, bringing Kaito’s hands close to his face and cupping it with them. He closes his eyes. He feels Kaito relax as well.

_-If you want to say it at all, it’s now or never-_

**_…_ **

“Thank you”, he mutters, unsure. He opens his eyes again.

Kaito shifts at that, his brows slowly furrowing. “For what.”

“For” **_agreeing, sticking with me, believing in me, wanting me, loving me_** “saving me.”

“Of course”, he laughs quietly. “I’m the Luminary of the Stars, remember?” He says fondly and it sounds more like a playful banter than boasting. “Always here to save your sorry ass.”

“Poor, pitiful me.” Kokichi giggles. “Thank god I have my own personal hero, right?” He winks.

It makes Kaito laugh even louder.

_-Don’t be a coward, Kokichi. You know you want to say it-_

**_…_ **

“Oh shit, I just realized.. I kind of kidnapped you, didn’t I?” Kaito winces. “Didn’t actually mean to.”

“It’s fine, Kai-chan.”

“You want to go back now?” He asks, fiddling with his own scarf, fixing it a little. 

He’s so careful with it, making sure he doesn’t pull on the corners with too much strength. Watching him fills Kokichi with a strange warmth. 

Even if Kaito doesn’t exactly understand the situation, he knows it’s important to Kokichi and he makes it seem as if it’s just as important to him. 

It’s so like him to be that way.

“In a moment, yes”, he hums, trying to sound as carefree as possible.

He wants to say it so badly, he can’t back away now. It really is now or never.

“Everything’s alright, Kichi?” Kaito muses and ruffles his hair. “You’re tense all of a sudden.”

Kokichi opens his mouth to say something, to assure Kaito that he’s fine but no sound escapes his throat. Kaito frowns, obviously worried. Kokichi tries again.

“I..” **_love you_** “I..” **_LOVE YOU_** “I..” **_l o v e y o u_** “Shit!”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Kaito catches him in his arms and pulls him closer, magenta eyes focused on the lilac ones. “You’re fine. _We’re fine._ Whatever you’re trying to force out of yourself now, you don’t need to do that, y’know? Give yourself some time”, he smiles. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Kokichi takes a deep breath and his anger disappears.

“Duh. We have an evil organization to create”, he mutters, still upset at himself. 

“Yeah, about that. I have no idea how to lead an organization like that.” Kaito laughs nervously. “But damn if I don’t like a challenge. And it’ll be nice to create something together.”

“It will”, he smiles. “Oh, I already asked Toujo-chan to make more scarves. We’re gonna have ten thousand members before we even know it! Nishishishi.”

“Ten thousand my ass”, he scoffs with a smile. “More scarves, hm? Do you have some particular people in mind?”

Kokichi smirks. “Glad you asked, Kai-chan. I was thinking about, of course, Amami-chan as my right hand man. Then Saihara-chan, Akamatsu-chan, Toujo-chan, Gonta and Iruma-chan. If they agree, that is”, he says but then he hesitates a moment before adding “and us two as leaders” to show Kaito that he’s willing to share the power.

“Then I want Shuuichi to be my right hand man!” He grins. “And we gotta ask Harumaki too.”

“What? A killer girl doesn’t belong in DICE”, he scrunches his nose. 

Kaito snorts. “Come on, Kichi. She deserves a chance as much as we all do. She’s not a bad person. She even apologized, right?”

Kokichi tries to glare at Kaito but the dumb space head is looking at him with those gleaming eyes and that big grin of his and finally, he gives up.

“ _Fine_ ”, he says with a sigh. “But she better respect the rule too.”

“She will, I’ll make sure of that”, he nods eagerly and then just looks at Kokichi with a silly, lovestruck smile.

Kokichi blushes but says nothing, even when Kaito slowly brushes some of his hair away from his face and plants a chaste kiss on his forehead, not backing away even when he does so.

“I’m glad.” Kaito murmurs into his hair. “I’m glad you’re here, with me, and that you gave me a chance. I won’t betray your trust, I promise.”

His voice is quiet and calm, almost a whisper but not quite, while he softly presses more kisses onto Kokichi’s hair. The supreme leader closes his eyes, letting himself relax with a deep sigh.

He’s content like this. He feels safe like this. In Kaito’s arms, in his safe place, he doesn’t need to worry about a thing.

“I.. love you”, he murmurs, finally, finally being able to say it out loud. It also ruins the moment completely and he no longer feels relaxed at all.

He instantly wishes Kaito didn’t hear him, as he feels his face getting hot, his ‘fight or flight’ instinct kicking in. Kaito’s body tenses up for a moment and then the astronaut sighs, burying his head further in Kokichi’s hair, hugging him tighter with no intention of letting go.

Kokichi yelps quietly when some of the air that was kept in his lungs escapes from them against his will. There goes his escape plan.

“I love you too”, he hears from above, the sound muffled by his hair, while Kaito hides his face from him. His voice sounds.. shaky and wet. Is he crying?

Kokichi simply hugs him back, the desire to escape forgotten, replaced by warm mush enveloping his heart, his body, his mind, silencing all the thoughts inside his head. He.. doesn’t mind spending the rest of this life with this sappy, lovely idiot.

_His own personal hero._

Kokichi closes his eyes, feeling them sting as listens to Kaito’s quiet sobs and waits for him to calm down. He’ll gladly spend the rest of his life assuring him that what he had just said was not a lie.

_He’ll gladly spend it loving him and being loved in return._

Kokichi smiles slightly, his own mind finally being at peace with itself, tears slowly flowing through his face.

**Ah, so that’s how heaven-**

_-..feels like. It’s..-_

**_-really nice-_ **

Doesn’t matter what he did to deserve all that, he’s never going to let go.

* * *

**_i don’t want to die_ **

_He sat on the cold metal, shivering violently. Whether it was from the lower temperature interacting with his feverish body, or from the poison coursing through his blood, he wasn’t sure. He’d love to move the galaxy jacket closer to him to sit on it but it was neither possible nor smart to do that. He needed it in the exact same place it had been when he’d recorded the first part of the video._

**_i don’t want to die_ **

_“Look, man..” Momota was standing in front of him, his white shirt covered in blood. Whether it was his own blood or Kokichi’s, Kokichi didn’t know. He didn’t care anymore. “....we can still think of something else. We don’t have to do this..”_

_Kokichi laughed, or tried to at least, a short and rough sound escaping his hurting throat. Even laughing was impossible at this point._

_Poor, sweet Momota. Ever the hero, even in the face of death._

_“It’s time, Momota-chan”, he muttered, his voice weak and strained. With each passing second he had less strength, less will to keep himself awake and alive, and they needed him alive until the very end if they wanted their plan to work._

_There was no time to waste. They both knew that. And yet.._

**_i don’t want to die_ **

_“Ouma, you..” Momota winced, his face bearing the same worried and pitiful expression he was always aiming at Shuuichi, or Harukawa, or anyone who wasn’t Kokichi. Why was it aimed at him now, of all times?_

_Momota Kaito, the noblest person in this whole game, feeling remorse at the thought of killing his own rival who was about to die anyway._

_Scratch that. Second noblest person, right after Gonta._

_Gonta.._

**_no time to think about gonta just yet_ **

_“C-could you.. help me?” He pleaded, his eyes helplessly glancing at the jacket and then back to Momota. Momota, who looked more and more like he was about to cry._

**_i’m sorry i’m forcing you to do this, momota-chan_ **

_“S-sure.” The astronaut muttered and he moved closer, carefully grabbing Kokichi and positioning him on his own jacket._

_Kokichi let him do whatever he wanted, no strength left to fight back or complain, even when Momota started needlessly fixing the creases on the jacket just to prolong the inevitable._

_He couldn’t be mad at him. After all, he too.._

_..but he couldn’t give up. He owed it to Gonta. He owed it to Iruma._

_He owed it to Momota too. And everyone else who’d died._

_“Momota-chan.. you need to move.. to the press button”, he muttered, his voice barely above whispering._

_Momota sniffed, once, then nodded._

_“Right”, he said, his voice slightly breaking. Despite that, he didn’t move an inch. “I..”_

_“It’s okay, Momota-chan..” Kokichi forced himself to smile even if it hurt. Even smiling hurt, what good of a clown he was if he could neither laugh nor smile? “I trust you.”_

_It wasn’t a lie. He trusted Momota with his plan, he trusted Momota with his biggest secret.._

_..he trusted Momota with his life too._

**_i don’t want to die_ **

_That seemed to do the trick as Momota nodded and, sniffing once more, lifted himself up and slowly walked away, stopping only once._

_“See you.. around.. Momota-chan..” Kokichi smiled at him one last time when Momota turned back to look at him one more time. “And hey, at least I wasn’t.. boring, right?”_

_“No, you weren’t.” The astronaut sighed slowly, forcing himself to smile. “See you around, Ouma.”_

**_you’re a bad liar, momota-chan but.. thank you_ **

_Kokichi closed his eyes, listening to Momota slowly making his way to the platform. Once the sound of steps subsided, it was replaced with quiet sobs that didn’t belong to the supreme leader._

_Kokichi wanted to smile, but he had no strength left to even move a muscle._

_Kokichi wanted to quote Momota’s own words to him, that ‘ **a man shouldn’t cry so easily** ’ but he could no longer bring himself to even open his mouth, let alone articulate words. _

_Besides, he’d already said his goodbyes, it’d be a waste to say something else._

_Instead, he closed his eyes, finally letting himself be consumed by his thoughts, no longer having to focus on anything else aside from waiting. It was up to Momota now, Kokichi had played his role to the fullest._

_His mind foggy, yet still somewhat functioning, he traced back to those first days when none of them had known the horrors that were awaiting just yet; he traced back to those people he’d failed; the people they’d lost._

-I’m sorry Amami-chan-

**_i enjoyed talking to you, i wish i had the chance to get to know you better. i’m sorry i couldn’t help you when you wanted to end the Killing Game. i’m sorry i couldn’t save you from getting killed just because you wanted to save us all_ **

-I’m sorry Akamatsu-chan-

**_i admired your power, even if your way of thinking was sometimes naive. i’m sorry for not realizing your plan sooner. maybe, if i’d interfered, you wouldn’t have had to sacrifice yourself for us. you wouldn’t have had to try to defeat the mastermind on your own_ **

-I’m sorry Hoshi-chan-

**_i pitied you, even if right now i’m doing the same thing you did, sacrificing myself. i’m sorry for not helping you with finding a reason to live. maybe if i’d tried more, if i’d pushed more for us to watch all of us motives together, maybe we’d have been able to help you_ **

-I’m sorry Toujo-chan-

**_kind and amazing, you were truly like a mother figure to us all, not only me. i’m sorry for failing you. i’m sorry for not being enough. i’m sorry for watching you die. maybe if i had talked to you, if i had realized something’s wrong, maybe i would’ve been able to change your mind_ **

-I’m sorry Angie-chan-

**_i didn’t understand you, our views on the world were completely different from one another. but even if i disagreed with you and i considered you dangerous, i never wanted to see you dead. i’m sorry i couldn’t do anything about it_ **

-I’m sorry Chabashira-chan-

**_you were strong in your own, slightly weird way. i hope you can see how yumeno-chan grew because of your words. although you hated men, therefore me, i still wish you hadn’t died right in front me. i wish i could’ve stopped that, instead of being in the same room and listening to it happen_ **

-I’m sorry Shinguuji-chan-

**_you were sick. i couldn’t listen to you yap and yap about killing others for someone who’s already dead. it was disgusting. and yet.. i can’t help but wonder, maybe if i’d cared enough, maybe i would’ve been able to stop you from hurting anyone. maybe no one would’ve had to die_ **

-I’m sorry.. Iruma-chan-

**_you were the most important piece for my puzzle, the most important of my chess figures, the one who allowed me to follow through with my plan. without you, i wouldn’t have been able to do anything. i’m sorry you had to die. if only I could've avoided it. if only i could’ve done something different_ **

-I’m sorry.. Gonta-

**_it hurts to think about you, gonta. and yet i know, i’ve hurt you a lot worse than i am hurting now and i deserve everything that’s happening to me simply because of that. i miss you, gonta. you were the only person who’d showed me so much kindness in this rotten world filled with killing and crying. i hope you’re better off in the place you’re in now_ **

_And also, one more person, one final goodbye._

-I’m sorry.. Momota-chan-

**_i’m sorry for being a nuisance, for hitting you, for making you kill me and forcing you to go along with my plans. i’m sorry you’re dying and i can’t do anything about that. i wish.. i wish we could’ve met in a different world, in a different life, as different people. somewhere where we wouldn’t have to watch our friends die and kill each other to survive.. maybe.. we’d have become friends then?_ **

**_…_ **

**_you certainly weren’t boring, momota-chan. i’m leaving the rest to you_ **

_He briefly thought about Shuuichi, Harukawa, Yumeno, Kiibo and Shirogane, hoping they would survive, hoping they would forgive him, especially Shuuichi._

**_i will never regret loving you, saihara-chan. i’m sorry for.. everything_ **

_And finally, as he heard the press lower, Kokichi took one last deeper breath, tears slowly rolling to the sides of his face._

_One final thought, before the world would end._

**_alright, everyone. see you in the afterlife_ **

_The press stopped, as it reached its destination with a loud crunch, making that one person who remained in the hangar sob uncontrollably._

_And then, there was darkness._

=END=

**Author's Note:**

> Man.. If I were to explain every single bit of symbolism, every little secret and hidden meaning I've left here and there, it'd take me another 99 pages if not more :D
> 
> I've had way too much fun writing this, I've lived and breathed this fic, 'celebrating' each milestone (which meant constantly nagging and complaining to my friends that it's getting bigger and bigger and I've yet to see the end). I've loved every second of it though, so as I said, no ragrets :D
> 
> I loved writing Ouma and Momota so much, I'll probably come back with more in the future. Although, I hope, not as long as this one is.
> 
> If you've enjoyed it at least half as much as I enjoyed writing it, then my job is done. Feel free to leave any comments, questions, thoughts about this piece below. I'll gladly respond to them all~
> 
> Thank you for your attention. See you around c:


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